The First Sabbath

by Josh Kornburg '13

Premise:Although the Bible states that God rested on the seventh day, he was actually struggling woo to his child-hood crush, Mary of Nazareth.  In fact, it should not surprise anyone that the “universe in six days” was really just an elaborate PR slogan.  This is what really occurred on that first Sabbath.

God – Clearly attracted to Mary.  Wearing a tuexdo and far too much cologne.
Mary – Very pretty and very pale.  Fiddling nervously with her wedding ring, a scintillating four karat diamond surrounded by two other three karat diamonds, all seemlessly fit into a platnum band.
Bob – God’s ingratiating, nerdy assistant.

Setting: God and Mary sitting at opposite ends of an extremely large round table. God is slowly and conspicuously sliding his chair closer to Mary.  He snaps his fingers; the lights dim and soft, jazzy music begins to play.  A few seconds later, after a technical problem is quickly resloved, an eighties disco ball drops from the ether and begins to swirl above them. God knows the time is right.

Mary: (Very anxious and uncomfotable) Sir, before we begin, I’ve been hearing some rumours about me and you lately.  I don’t know if…

God: Mary, sweet Marry.  Just drink your wine.  Don’t even think about Joseph.  I mean look at what Moses agreed to!  Or Jesus- that’s your sons name.  (too himself)  Or is it mine?  We haven’t figured that one out yet.  (imploringly) Anyway, sweetie, you know you would really be taking one for the team… my whole plan depends on you.  Let your hair down a little, eh?

Mary: (Noding her head in agreement) Yes Sir, that would be nice.  If you could just reiterate again, Sir.  What’s in it for me?

God: Mary, think of all those parents whose only joy comes from pushing their slightly above average, yet still only mildy coordinated, kids to practice sports so that, vicariously, they can relive the rush of hiting the winning shot at the buzzer.

Mary: Okay?

God: Now multiply that pride by three.

Mary: (Face bright) Sir, it sounds great.  Really.  I appreciate the offer. (Her countenance becomes clouded and she looks concerned).  I guess it’s just that I don’t see why you need a married woman, a virgin still, to do the dirty work for you.  Couldn’t you just use that same dust maneuver you used with Adam?

God: (Offended and unnecessarily defensive) It’s not because I’m lonely or anything!  I mean, if that’s what you are insinuating anyway.  (Stretches back, let’s out a feigned moan)  You understand.  I’m a busy guy, King of the Universe (winks).  I simply don’t have time for a stunt like that.  And plus, the guys in Accounting are predicting a major shortage of converts unless we add some more drama to the sequel.

Mary: But Sir, what will this do to my image?  And will I still lead a virgin life after Jesus is born?

God: Mary, I will leave that up to you… (chuckling to himself)  But surely you’ve heard some of the other girls say I’m…supernatural (raises one eyebrow playfully).

Mary: But what about my reputation?

God: Don’t worry about it.  I’ve got you covered.  We’ll just keep the whole operation ambiguous.

Mary: How so Sir?

God: Well, I’ve found that obfuscation and equivocation are simply the best ways to resolve such unnecessary semantics.  As long as the bible does not explicitly say that you must lead a virgin life after you give birth to Jesus, you’re always welcome around here for seconds (Reaches upwards and upon coming down tries to put his arms around Mary, who has stealthily moved beyond his reach).

Mary: Sir, I am sure you realize the kind of problems a policy of ambiguity could create.

God: (Waves his hand dismissingly) Sure, sometimes my strategy might lead to crusades or jihads.  And some minor ideological disagreements will splinter communities into rival, fanatical fractions, resulting in long, yet avoidable, internecine power struggles which will ultimately erupt in a global conflagration of apocalyptic terror.  (smiling and seemingly calm) Buthey, it’s not the skin off our backs.  Pun intended by the way (chuckles nervously).

Bob walks in

Bob: God, I am sorry.  Excuse me Sir.  The guys down in Construction are wondering: black holes real or myth.

God: Real.

Bob.  And you said that you also wanted to include the spaghettification phenomena?

God: (Becoming angry) Yes.

Bob: Just to be clear here, you do not want objects in the black holes to become spaghetti. Instead they will simply be stretched indefinitely so as to look like a piece of spaghetti. Correct?

God: (Menacingly) Yes Bob!  Now leave us alone!  You are killing the mood! (pops a Cialis)

Mary: No Bob, it’s quite alright.  I was just telling God that I am already an hour and a half late for my dinner reservation with Joseph tonight.  I really do have to be going now.  We’ll keep in touch.  Goodbye Sir.

Mary sprints out of the room.  God remains seated in the chair disappointed.  He looks up, surprised that the clock reads 11:59.  There were so many things he still had to rectify in the ill planned and broken world that he had just created: cancer, HIV, genocide, the Jonas Brothers…

God: Holy sh (but before he can finish his last word, a blinding flash of the purest, most intense light in history shines across the Universe.  Seconds later a colossal bang is heard thundering throughout the cosmos.)