Swine Flu: A True Illness, or a Clever Guise?

by Matt Moses '13

You head to class on a normal Wednesday morning, leaving your sick and decrepit roommate behind, his hacking cough resonating through your small room.  The infirmary has confined him to the dorm, he says.  As soon as you reach your first classroom and sit down in your seat, two rows from the back, the real action in your dorm room begins.

Your roommate has pulled your leg, so to speak. H1N1 is just a cover.  What your friendly tenant is doing all day while you absorb information is something so sneaky… so horrifying...

He is masturbating.
All day.
“Dick’s House,” hmm?

I see through your lies.  The H1N1, more aptly described as 1N1H—1 Nerd, 1 Hand, is merely a mask for a morning of masturbatory madness, a fallacy to cover up a feverish flurry of fingers, a scheme for a swift sunrise stroking.

How is your roommate’s piece for the entertainment section of “The D” coming along? Better than you would have ever expected.  And that Jack-O article? Likely story. His sickness hides an all-too-common hobby.
“Why the hell is the door locked?” you ask when you return after a long day of academic pursuits.
“Uh, wait, dude…  One minute.  I…uh…I locked it to keep the germs in,” your roommate replies, quickly closing his computer, tucking, and hobbling to the door.

Your roommate is playing you.  He is playing you like a video game with his joystick.
This H1N1 trickery is widespread, and is supposed to infect almost ten thousand upstanding citizens of college campuses this year alone.  Be vigilant, nip the secrecy in the bud, and be wary.  “Swine Flu” could strike you next.