Columbia Show – 10/26/02 (Away)
Pregame:
And now, in a world where laughter was king… in a land, in a time, in
a land before time… when your life is no longer your own… in an
outpost… on the edge of space… a girl… two girls…
a renegade cop, a robot renegade cop… now more than ever… the
Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1, stay in lines while first part of the segment
is read]
We in the DCMB are
happy to bring you our traveling Scatter Band show. This proud Ivy League
band tradition was recently summed up by Columbia Band Manager Thomas Berman,
who said: “A scramble band is a band that doesn’t march. We just
sort of run around the field while a joke is being read.” Like this.
[now the band scatters and runs around the field, ending up in concert
formation]
But this is no new-fangled marching band technique. Few know that Ivan the Terrible, Phillip of Macedonia, and even the great Caesar enjoyed scatter band shows… and through the ages, the Dartmouth College Marching Band has been there to entertain them all. Granted, Catherine the Great was none too pleased by our erotic horse segment… but, damn, did our Caligula show bring down the house.
Watch now as the
band plays the Dartmouth alma mater, under the direction of student conductor
Chris “operators are standing by for your” Collier.
[concert formation – play alma mater]
Halftime:
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that knows the Columbia band reputation
is going down like Smurfette... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1]
There are many sights to see while visiting New York in October: the Statue of Liberty, a Broadway show, or a Yankees World Series game [pause, da-da ching on field from percussion]. But, really, what most people come to see is the Columbia University Marching Band, New York’s most amazing national treasure. Just ask them! The Columbia Band has recently declared itself: “the preeminent scrambling humor force in the world.” Funny, we thought that was your football team.
Sadly, of late, these wonderful band smurfs have been publicly maligned as “very self-important little creatures.” Perhaps, it’s because they’ve proclaimed themselves to be “the cleverest smurf band in the world.” Or perhaps it’s because one of them yapped all day long on the Phil Donahue show. But we think it’s most likely because they’ve taken to using their name for every part of speech. For example: “That Smurfette was feeling really smurfy last night. I hear she smurfed five different smurfs… at the same time!”
Of course, none of them smurfed her smurf quite like a Dartmouth smurf could.
Watch now as the
band forms Smurfette’s wide-eyed innocent eyes and plays “The
Smurfer.”
[Band forms Smurfette’s eyes and plays “The Stripper”]
Of course, the recent media coverage of the Columbia Band should come as no surprise. Who wouldn’t expect scandalous news at Columbia, what with all the famous actors here, like… that guy… with the long hair… who was in that movie. You know who I mean. Columbia even gets Hollywood attention for their lab-grown, genetically enhanced super-spiders.
We in the Dartmouth Marching Band have to go to much greater lengths to get the scandalous publicity we deserve. You Columbia fans probably don’t know that we lit our own football field on fire last year at our Homecoming. We’d hoped to share this tradition with you, but, sadly, our budget for bail has been cut.
Of course, way up in the New England boondocks, we can always cause mischief outside the football stadium by traveling to Kennebunkport to go cow-tipping on President Bush’s ranch. And we’ve also found some, er, other ways of abusing livestock that have made us infamous among Ivy League schools.
Watch now as the
band forms a barnyard animal and plays “The Power of Love.”
[Band forms a barnyard animal and plays “The Power of Love”]
And now it’s time to cuddle up with your sheep and cover your ears,
because here comes the Big, Bad, and painfully unfunny… Columbia Marching
Band!