Dartmouth vs. Harvard, 10/27/01 (Away)

PREGAME

And now the only band in the Ivy League that would rather be in the Bermuda Triangle than Harvard Square... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Band downfield to DT1

In these hard economic times, families are learning more than ever the value of a dollar. Well, fear not, recession-watchers, for the DCMB is here to help. For example, why spend $35,000 a year for college when we can tell you everything you learn at Harvard right now:

5. Your parents hate you. After all, they sent you here.

4. Other people are scary. You should avoid them as much as possible by studying alone in your dorm room.

3. Smart is sexy. Nerdy is not sexy.

2. You can’t really pahk your cah in Hahvahd Yahd.

And, the most important thing that you learn from a Harvard education:

Don’t go to Harvard. Don’t ever go to Harvard.

Watch now as the  band forces the old Crimson strength to yield and plays “10,000 Socially Awkward Men of Harvard.”

Band plays 10000 Men of Harvard to “home” stands. Run to our stands.

And now we’d like to welcome the Dartmouth faithful and wish our Big Green well by playing our Alma Mater under the direction of Chris “Flea” Collier.

Band plays Alma Mater and marches off field to DT1.

HALFTIME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that can only be heard by the pure of heart... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Band marches silently downfield while pretending to play.

It has come to the attention of the DCMB that Harrison Pope, a researcher at Harvard, has recently produced a study entitled: "Cognition Unaffected by Pot Use", according to a recent issue of the Harvard gazette.  In his survey, Professor Pope studied individuals who performed well on psychological tests, even if they claim to have smoked marijuana at least 5,000 times in their lifetime.  Granted, Cambridge is no New Haven, but there really must be something else to do in this city. 

Regardless, the DCMB has learned that 75% of the students tested had actually been trying to smoke pencil shavings the entire time, yet insisted that they experienced some form of disorientation.  That's funny... similar numbers have been reported for those who realize how much money they've wasted upon receipt of a Harvard diploma. 

Professor Pope also insisted that even though marijuana users performed fine on psychological tests, pot smoking has certainly had a negative effect on their mental health and social functioning.  The DCMB questions this conclusion, as we can't see how Pope could then tell pot smokers from your average, albeit lonely, Harvard student. 

Watch now as the band forms a Harvard test subject and plays “Blame Cannabis.”

Band forms a rat and plays “Blame Canada.”

A recent edition of the Harvard Crimson’s Magazine asked “Is Irony Dead?”  Judging from the fact that you invited Jane Goodall to be the keynote speaker at a conference entitled “What does it mean to be human?”, we’re guessing the answer is no.

In related news, as part of an effort to increase species diversity, Harvard has announced that the university will be admitting chimpanzees to the Class of 2006. The average GPA of Harvard students is expected to rise significantly.

Watch now as the band offers you a yummy banana, and plays “Gorilla Time”

Band forms a banana and plays “Miller Time”

Last Friday, hundreds of Harvard students descended upon the Park Plaza ballroom to compete for one of the most prized and exciting opportunities of their lives... no, it wasn’t a meeting about transferring to Dartmouth. It was tryouts for “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”

We here at the DCMB are also big fans of useless trivia. Take Michael Philpy, our illustrious bass drummer... please. <on field, badum-ching> Ah, but seriously folks, he can tell you the #1 Billboard hit for every week from 1956 to 1986 AND recite the entire length of “Casey at the Bat” from memory.

In honor of his enormous wealth of knowledge, we at the DCMB are proud to present Michael Philpy’s Top 10 Favorite Numbers.

10. 16 - Kirstin Wells’ age as of today. Happy Birthday Kirstin from all of us at the DCMB!

9.  44 - the number of members of the DCMB on the field today

8.  43 - the number of people in attendance today to whom this segment is funny

7.  300 - the number of years that Yale has been a thorn in your side

6.  7200 - the capacity of Philpy’s high school gymnasium... go Hoosiers!

5. 42 - the meaning of life

4.  1 -   oh wait, this is a Harvard bandie’s favorite number, as most members of the HUB can look forward to a life of lonely solitude

3.  603-646-5180 - Philpy’s phone number. Ladies, he’s available!

2. 14 - how many lame sheep jokes will probably be in the Harvard show

and Philpy’s number one favorite number is....  24 - not only is it six times four, it’s also eight times three. And that’s our final answer. <badum-ching>

Watch now as the band forms Philpy’s giant brain and plays Final Countdown.

Band forms a brain, and plays the world premiere of Meghan Fitzgerald’s arrangement of “Final Countdown”.

And look out because here comes the only band that the jerkstore ran out of.... the Harvard University Band.! 

Band off field to DT1.