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Dartmouth vs. Yale, 10/07/00 (Home)
Pregame:
And Now, the only band in the Ivy League with
more gold medals than Mr. T. … the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1]
It’s been brought to our
attention that an epidemic of Olympic Withdrawal is sweeping the television
viewers of the world… but the DCMB is here to help. This afternoon, we present
the Hanover 2000 Marching Band Olympics. As a special treat, the Yale Precision
Marching Band returns to Dartmouth for the first time in decades, seeking that
ever elusive Marching Band gold medal. They can only hope that this will prove
more fruitful than their quests for that ever elusive Dartmouth acceptance
letter. Watch now as the band welcomes Yale back to the frozen tundra of
Memorial Stadium for an epic battle of Olympian bands by playing their favorite
song. Yale Boola.
[concert formation – play Yale Boola]
Now watch as the band recovers our sense of
dignity and plays the Dartmouth alma mater, under the direction of student
conductor Andy “Take My Wife – Pease”
[formation – play alma mater]
Now, please stand as the band plays the national
anthem under the direction of Faculty Director Max Culpepper.
[play Star Spangled Banner]
Halftime:
And Now, the only band in the Ivy league that
picked the Chinese Table Tennis team to win the gold medal by 2 ½ cups… the
Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1; about 20 yards from the
end, Drum Major trips and falls]
Announcer: Ouch. That mistake’s going to cost
her some points. Let’s see that again.
[Band marches
backwards 10 yards playing random notes, then everyone picks up at the
appropriate place, playing DT1 until completion. Drum Major trips again in same
spot.]
From the time when
they were old enough to walk it has always been the DCMB’s dream to compete in
the Marching Band Olympics. But success didn’t come easy for these scrappy
young athletes. Facing a difficult youth in the plains of rural Hanover, they
were often denied the competitive edges that other bands take for granted, such
as fast food. When militant rebels from Vermont turned Hanover into a war-torn
province, the band was forced to abandon their instruments and flee for their
lives. Hiding in Frat basements for months on end, these dedicated youths were
forced to survive on nothing more than a diet of Beer and EBA’s. And then,
weeks before their competition, tragedy struck when their student conductor was
disabled in the bizarre “spork incident.” But despite all these adversities,
these bandies never gave up their dream… and with hard work and determination
they survived to make it here today.
Let’s wish the band luck
as they form some Olympic rings and plays Gonna Fly Now [or
Eye of the Tiger, whichever sounds better]
To help achieve their Olympic dream, the DCMB
has received sponsorship from the Mentos corporation, but we promise our fans
that this will in no way affect the integrity of our shows. We’re still all
about the music.
Now, a salute to two of Dartmouth’s own Olympic
athletes:
Adam Nelson, Class of ’97,
received the silver medal in the shot put, coming only three inches short of the
gold. According to Nelson, he couldn’t have done it without “hard work,
determination, and [Mentos, the freshmaker].”
Ted Murphy, Class of ’92,
won a silver medal in pairs rowing. Regarding his training style he said simply
“Everybody needs a little freshness. Get some, give some, share some! Get
fresh.” A puzzling comment indeed.
Watch now as the band
congratulates our Olympians by forming a pair of silver medals and playing
The Olympic Theme.
[play Mentos Jingle instead. At
the end, everyone yells, “Mentos, the freshmaker!”]
We now return to
our Olympic coverage to announce today’s winner. Here’s a hint: they come from
the clean end of the Connecticut River, where the fish have only two
eyes, and they didn’t ask for a “Get out of Yale Free” card last Christmas.
That’s right, the gold medal goes to the DCMB. What put our local Olympians
over the top?
·
As you can see from our midfield visual
representation, Dartmouth won handily in the crucial Shortest Ivy League Drum
Major competition. [Kaitlyn stands next to tall cardboard cut-out]
·
Secondly, the Yale Precision Marching Band
didn’t realize that today’s competition was a free-style marching band
event – not that silly synchronized marching band stuff.
·
And, finally, the Yale bandies were disqualified
after testing positive for illegally high blood content levels of … [commercial
style] Mentos, the Freshmaker. Nothing gets to you, staying fresh, staying
cool.
Watch now as the
band celebrates its victory by forming the Olympic torch and playing The
Olympic Theme. (turns into Mentos Jingle?)
[Band off field]
Thanks for watching our halftime show today. We
hope you appreciated our lack of cheap George W. Bush jokes, and we hope to see
you back at Memorial Stadium next week against Holy Cross. And please, thank
the visiting Yale bandies for overcoming their Hanover-phobias and showing up
today (“what a bunch of major league bozos”)…
UNCENSORED
Pregame:
And Now, the only band in the Ivy League with
more gold medals than Mr. T. … the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1]
It’s been brought to our attention that an
epidemic of Olympic Withdrawal is sweeping the television viewers of the world…
but the DCMB is here to help. This afternoon, we present the Hanover 2000
Marching Band Olympics. As a special treat, the Yale Precision Marching Band
returns to Dartmouth for the first time in decades, seeking to exorcise the
demons of their past. What specter haunts this band, you ask? What keeps them
tossing and turning, awake at night? That is, besides the bedwetting
thing. [pause, then melodramatic] The trauma began 31 years ago today… on a
fateful afternoon, upon the frozen tundra of Memorial Stadium. The Yalies were
enjoying their favorite jokes [band members keep saying “bah, bah” to each
other, and laughing hysterically], and performing their favorite song, when a
demon emerged from the depths of the freshman class, amid cries of “You can’t
catch them all” … and ruined it all. Watch now, as the band reflects upon the
past and plays a little Boola.
[concert formation – play Yale Boola]
[re-enactment scene, with Oliver]
Now watch as the band recovers our sense of
dignity and plays the Dartmouth alma mater under the direction of student
conductor Andy “Take My Wife – Pease”
[formation – play alma mater]
Now, please stand as the band plays the national
anthem under the direction of Faculty Director Max Culpepper.
[play Star Spangled Banner]
Halftime:
And Now, the only band in the Ivy league that
picked the Chinese Table Tennis team to win the gold medal by 2 ½ cups… the
Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1; about 20 yards from the
end, Drum Major trips and falls]
Announcer: Ouch. That mistake’s going to cost
her some points. Let’s see that again.
[Band marches
backwards 10 yards playing random notes, then everyone picks up at the
appropriate place, playing DT1 until completion. Drum Major trips again in same
spot.]
From the time when
they were old enough to walk it has always been the DCMB’s dream to compete in
the Marching Band Olympics. But success didn’t come easy for these scrappy
young athletes. Facing a difficult youth in the plains of rural Hanover, they
were often denied the competitive edges that other bands take for granted, such
as fast food. When militant rebels from Vermont turned Hanover into a war-torn
province, the band was forced to abandon their instruments and flee for their
lives. Hiding in Frat basements for months on end, these dedicated youths were
forced to survive on nothing more than a diet of Beer and EBA’s. And then,
weeks before their competition, tragedy struck when their student conductor was
disabled in the bizarre “spork incident.” But despite all these adversities,
these bandies never gave up their dream… and with hard work and determination
they survived to make it here today.
Let’s wish the band luck
as they form some Olympic rings and plays Gonna Fly Now [or
Eye of the Tiger, whichever sounds better]
To help achieve their Olympic dream, the DCMB
has received sponsorship from the Mentos corporation, but we promise our fans
that this will in no way affect the integrity of our shows. We’re still all
about the music.
Now, a salute to two of Dartmouth’s own Olympic
athletes:
Adam Nelson, Class of ’97,
received the silver medal in the shot put, coming only three inches short of the
gold. According to Nelson, he couldn’t have done it without “hard work,
determination, and [Mentos, the freshmaker].”
Ted Murphy, Class of ’92,
won a silver medal in pairs rowing. Regarding his training style he said simply
“Everybody needs a little freshness. Get some, give some, share some! Get
fresh.” A puzzling comment indeed.
Watch now as the band
congratulates our Olympians by forming a pair of silver medals and playing
The Olympic Theme.
[play Mentos Jingle instead. At
the end, everyone yells, “Mentos, the freshmaker!”]
We now return to
our Olympic coverage to announce today’s winner. Here’s a hint: they come from
the clean end of the Connecticut River, where the fish only have two eyes, and
they didn’t ask for a “Get out of Yale Free” card last Christmas. That’s right,
the gold medal goes to the Big Green of Dartmouth. What put our local Olympians
over the top? Our judges listed three criteria:
·
The Yale Precision Marching Band didn’t
realize that today’s competition was a free-style marching band event –
not that silly synchronized marching band stuff.
·
Secondly, as shown by our midfield visual
representation, Dartmouth won handily in the crucial Shortest Ivy League Drum
Major competition. [Kaitlyn stands next to tall cardboard cut-out]
·
And the final reason for Dartmouth’s triumph is
that the Yale bandies tested positive for illegally high blood content levels of
going to a school that, quite frankly, blows.
Watch now as the
band celebrates its victory by forming the Olympic torch and playing The
Olympic Theme. (turns into Mentos Jingle?)
[Band off field]
Thanks for watching our halftime show today. We
hope you appreciated our lack of cheap George W. Bush jokes, and we hope to see
you back at Memorial Stadium next week against Holy Cross. And please, thank
the visiting Yale bandies for overcoming their phobias and showing up today
(“what a bunch of major league bozos”).
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