|
Dartmouth vs. Princeton, 11/18/00 (Away)
Pre-Game
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that’s suing
the “Garden State” for false advertising … the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1]
Ladies and Gentlemen, the DCMB brings you sad tidings
from the entertainment world. 71 year-old Dartmouth alum Fred Rogers recently
announced his intention to cease taping new episodes of the beloved children’s
show, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. No longer will little boys and girls be
able to follow the trolley to the magical world of make-believe. But never
fear… the DCMB will always be here, teaching your children to use their creative
potential to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the
lamentation of their women.
Watch now as the band forms the only thing you can trust and says, “Of course we won’t be your neighbor… you live in New Jersey.”
[form Conan’s sword – play 25 or 6 to 4]
Please
rise as the band runs like a bat out of New Jersey and plays the Dartmouth
alma mater under the direction of our electrifying student conductor, Andy
“extending you his ‘olive branch’ of” Pease.
[concert formation
– play alma mater]
Halftime:
And Now the only band in the Ivy League that
accidentally voted for third-party candidate Pat Sajak… the Dartmouth College
Marching Band!
Ah, here we are at Princeton University…
And speaking of
garbage, what's the difference between a garbage bag in Jersey and a Princeton
student? The garbage bag gets taken out once in a while… but, of course, they
both still end up cold and lonely on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Here
are our top five tips for Princeton undergrads looking for a good time:
5) You’ll shed those clothes in no time if you shed
that elitist image. It’s easy. Just say you’re from New Jersey.
4) Whatever you do
– never say you’re from New Jersey. Instead, say you’re from New York, and you
just “forgot to shower.”
3) Look for the most desperate people on earth.
Fortunately, you’re already at Princeton.
2) Try some fail-safe pick-up lines, like “What’s
your exit, baby?”
And the number one tip for Princeton students:
1) Transfer to Dartmouth.
Watch now as the band forms the antlers of New
Jersey’s favorite overpopulated animal by playing Son of a Gun for Deer.
[form deer antlers – play Son of a Gun for Beer]
The DCMB would like to honor the great Bob Dylan with
the following rendition of his famous tunes: [sung, or at least spoken with
appropriate rhythm]
[The Hurricane]
Dartmouth apps sent out on a lonely night.
Enter Patty Valentine from Admissions Hall.
She reads their essays in a burst of laughs,
Cries out, “My God – reject them all!”
Here comes the story of the Princeton Band.
Their state smells just like rancid SPAM.
Oh the things they’ve never done,
Stuck in New Jersey swamp, but one time they could-a been
At the best school in the world.
You’re a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone…d Princeton undergrad?
Dylan once said: “In Jersey everything is legal as long as you don’t get caught.”
Watch now as the band forms our favorite stoned rock ‘n’ roller and sends the 5-0 after him.
[form Bob Dylan – play Hawaii 5-0]
Ladies and gentlemen… it has come to our attention that our show has offended the sensibilities of some fans in attendance. In response, the DCMB challenges you to the Death! No… to the Princeton!
Not familiar with that phrase? We’ll explain using small words so you’ll be sure to understand. “To the Princeton” means the first thing you lose will be your brains from your heads, then your sense of class. Then your social life. The next thing you lose will be your dignity, followed by your credit rating.
But your nose you keep, and we’ll tell you why; so that every scent of every reeking trash heap is yours to cherish. Every whiff of toxic fumes, every stench a passing trucker leaves upon your blighted state will linger in your perfect nose. That is what “to the Princeton” means. It means we leave you in anguish, wallowing in fetid misery, forever.
Watch now as the band forms a giant landfill and plays the Fetid Misery Rag.
[form New Jersey – play Salty Dog Rag]
Pre-Game
And now, the only band in the
Ivy League that’s suing the “Garden State” for false advertising… the
Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1]
Ladies and Gentlemen, the DCMB brings you sad tidings
from the entertainment world. 71 year-old Dartmouth alum Fred Rogers recently
announced his intention to cease taping new episodes of the beloved children’s
show, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. No longer will little boys and girls be
able to follow the trolley to the magical world of make-believe. But never
fear… the DCMB will always be here, teaching your children to use their
creative potential to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to
hear the lamentation of their women.
Watch now as the band forms the only thing
you can trust and says, “Of course we won’t be your neighbor… you live in New
Jersey.”
[form Conan’s sword – play 25 or 6 to 4]
Please rise as the band runs like a bat out
of New Jersey and plays the Dartmouth alma mater under the direction of
our electrifying student conductor, Andy “extending you his ‘olive branch’ of”
Pease.
[concert formation – play alma mater]
Halftime:
And Now the only band in the
Ivy League that accidentally voted for third-party candidate Pat Sajak… the
Dartmouth College Marching Band!
[Band downfield to DT1]
Ah, here we are at Princeton University…
And speaking of garbage, what's the difference between a
garbage bag in Jersey and a Princeton student? The garbage bag gets taken out
once in a while… but, of course, they both still end up in the gutter. Here
are our top five tips for Princeton undergrads looking for a good time:
5) You’ll shed those clothes
in no time if you shed that elitist image. It’s easy. Just say you’re from
New Jersey.
4) Whatever you do – never say you’re from New Jersey.
Instead, say you’re from New York, and you just “forgot to shower.”
3) Look for the most desperate
people on earth. Fortunately, you’re already at Princeton.
2) Try some fail-safe pick-up
lines, like “What’s your exit, baby?”
And the number one tip for Princeton students:
1) Transfer to Dartmouth. Trust us – sheep are better
than deer.
Watch now as the band forms the antlers of New Jersey’s
favorite overpopulated animal by playing Son of a Gun for Deer.
[form deer antlers – play
Son of a Gun for Beer]
The DCMB would like to honor
the great Bob Dylan with the following rendition of his famous tunes:
[sung, or at least spoken with appropriate rhythm]
[The Hurricane]
Dartmouth apps sent out on a lonely night.
Enter Patty Valentine from Admissions Hall.
She reads their essays in a burst of laughs,
Cries out, “My God – reject them all!”
Here comes the story of the Princeton Band.
Their state smells just like a used bedpan.
Oh the things they’ve never done,
Stuck in New Jersey swamp, but one time they could-a been
At the best school in the world.
[Like a Rolling Stone]
How does it feel
With Jersey as a home
You’re a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone…d Princeton undergrad?
Dylan once said: “In Jersey everything is legal as long
as you don’t get caught.” Yes, Princeton students, this includes your
sisters.
Watch now as the band forms our favorite stoned rock ‘n’
roller and sends the 5-0 after him.
[form Bob Dylan – play Hawaii 5-0]
Ladies and gentlemen… it has come to our
attention that our show has offended the
sensibilities of some fans in attendance. In response, the DCMB challenges
you to the Death! No… to the Princeton!
Not familiar with
that phrase? We’ll explain using small words so you’ll be sure to
understand. “To the Princeton” means the first thing you lose will be your
brains from your heads, then your sense of class. Then your social life. The
next thing you lose will be your dignity, followed by your credit rating.
But your nose you
keep, and we’ll tell you why; so that every scent of every reeking trash heap
is yours to cherish. Every whiff of toxic fumes, every stench a passing
trucker leaves upon your blighted state will linger in your perfect nose.
That is what “to the Princeton” means. It means we leave you in anguish,
wallowing in fetid misery, forever.
Watch now as the band forms a giant landfill
and plays the Fetid Misery Rag.
[form New Jersey – play Salty Dog Rag]
|
