Dartmouth vs. Columbia, 10/21/00 (Away)

And now…  the only band in the Ivy League that wants to see the Subway Series derail, killing all aboard… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

[Band downfield to DT1]

            Ladies and Gentlemen, the gauntlet has been laid down. The Columbia University Marching Band has accused the DCMB of being “painfully unclever” and taking “cheap shots at other schools that aren’t even in the form of a joke.”  We assure you that we’ve taken this criticism to heart.  We believe we can be just as clever as you… and we’ve tried to prove it.

            First, we decided to copy the exquisite Columbia band uniforms, featuring smurf-blue sweaters made of virgin wool.  This plan was thwarted when we remembered that there wasn’t any virgin wool in Hanover. “Bah bah bah.”

            Next, we asked our better halves how to best achieve the level of cleverestness which the Columbia band has attained. They advised us to adopt the strict humor policy used Columbia band, which includes banning jokes from The Simpsons, South Park, Spinal Tap, Monty Python, Jim Lehrer, Science Fiction, and, most heartbreakingly, our beloved top ten lists. Presented with this dearth we turned to the only remaining known source of topical humor: [make farting sound] However, we were told that this was inappropriate for anything but the likes of Jim Carrey and the greatest Mel Brooks films.  Surely not Ivy League material.

            Finally, in a last-ditch effort, we consulted with Dartmouth’s finest professors to compose the funniest, wittiest joke Halftime Shows have ever known.  We conferred with top men from leading humor institutes, and they assured us that not only was our achievement in the form of a joke but definitely contained no cheap shots.  The DCMB now proudly presents it… to you: [dramatic pause]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Columbia is dumb!

[Rimshot]

Watch now as the band assumes the form of a joke and “Blames it on the Boogie.”

[Band forms a joke and plays Blame Canada]

The band would now like to deliver a message from our very own celebrity percussionist, Scott.  He requested that the following letter be read aloud to a certain, special “K. Holmes” … [Scott voice]

Oh Katie,

So many nights I’ve dreamt of your sweet embrace, at a midnight rendezvous beneath the artificial stars of the Columbia Bio-Dome.  ‘Twas but one year ago when you burst onto the screen and into my heart, in a work that redefined the landscape of popular culture – ahh, yes… the unforgettable Muppets From Space.  I was smitten by your wit, your eyes, your huge… tracts of land.  No, never again would I consider settling for that genetically mutated Paquin chick.

            – Sincerely, Scott        

PS – OK, let’s cut to the chase.  You like me.  I know.  Don’t worry – I won’t make you say it in front of all these people.  But, please, my phone number is (603) 646-5214.  Yes, that’s (603) 646-5214.

[pause, return to Dave voice]

            Watch now as the band says “S-C-O-T-T – Score, Scott, Score!” and honors dear Katie’s claim to fame by playing The Muppet Show.

[Band forms a heart shape and plays The Muppet Show]

We hope you enjoyed or halftime presentation.  Maybe someday, with a little hard work, all of you, too, will be clever enough to get those Dartmouth acceptance letters.  But for now, please watch as the penultimate cleverest band in the Ivy League takes the field…