V-I-C-T-O-R-Y, victory is our battle cry...
PREGAME
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that finds 80 proof in its pudding,
the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
Coming from a sleepy town in New Hampshire we usually take this time to
comment on crime in New Haven, but it has come to our attention that many more
serious problems are occuring right in Yale itself. We haven’t tipped off the
animal rights activists yet, but the white “Y” design in the fur of their
present bulldog can have only one explation: eugenics. A while ago there was a
serious hazardous waist problem, namely, the waistline of the statue of alumnus
President Taft. The immense weight of the statue caused it to topple off a
building, narrowly missing half the student population. Oh yeah, and then
there’s the fraternal branding of a certain presidential candidate. Bet you’ve
been wondering why you haven’t seen Yale alum George W. Bush flex his triceps on
TV yet, haven’t you? W. is trying to protect his greek house, but we’re
wondering how long he can keep his shirt on.
Watch now as the band plays for the other team. Anyone for a little “Boola
Boola”?
[Enemy formation - “Boola Boola”]
Watch now as the band practices fleeing for its life and plays the Dartmouth
College Alma Mater under the direction of Lauren Hootchie-Cootchie Bellucci.
HALF-TIME
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that will be gettin’ jiggy with it
faster than the Yale Precision Jell-O Jigglers, the Dartmouth College Marching
Band.
Our conductor, a future band teacher from the neighboring town of E. ‘Staven,
has warned us to keep our show clean in case there are any prospective employers
in the stadium. We’ve gone a step further by writing a cover letter for her. All
you clueless Yale seniors may want to take notes on how to do these right. Oh,
wait- forget that. Applications to MacDonalds don’t require cover letters.
Dear Sir or Madam:
You may remember me from pregame, when I was introduced as Lauren
Hootchie-Cootchie Bellucci.
I will now tell you how much I love your school and how much I always wanted
to work there. I will then subtly switch the topic of conversation to me, tell
you about my teaching and conducting experience, and relate an amusing anecdote
about how this one time, at band camp, I took my oboe....
And in closing, I will suggest selling my soul to you if you will hire me and
let you know that I will call, fax, and write you 20 times a day and suffer
sever agida until I hear from you.
Thank you very much for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Lauren Butt-Smooching Bellucci
Watch now as the band forms Lauren’s wide-eyed innocent eyes and plays “The
Eye of a Band Teacher.”
[Eyes - “Eye of a Tiger”]
And now, we send our love to the best thing to come in a can since the
can-can, that heavenly substance known as whipped cream. What makes this divine
form of sustenance so extraordinary that it deserves its own segment when we
could be using this time to make fun of Yale alums? While it’s not quite as
white, fluffy, full of air, or whipped as a Yale alum, it leaves us with a much
better taste in our mouths. So we bring you the top 3 reasons why whipped cream
will be the official cream of the year 2000.
À la Conan O’Brien:
In the year 2000... it continues to help things go down smoothly,
particularly when drizzled with chocolate.
In the year 2000... whipped cream luge will be the newest sport in the
Summer Olympics, returning the games to the naked tradition with which they
began.
And the number one reason why whipped cream will be the official cream of the
year 2000... Dartmouth will modify its outdated Latin motto to “Vox Clamantis
for Dessert-o with whipped cream and a cherry.” Watch now as the band forms a
can of whipped cream and salutes another canned substance with “Welcome to
Miller Time”
[Can of whipped cream - “Miller Time”]
We recently heard a story about how Hillary and Bill first met in a class at
Yale. Apparently, Bill was spending most of class time staring at her. In order
to get the situation under her control, Hillary had to go up to him after class
and introduce herself. It seems to us that Yale students really need some help
in the pick-up line department. Here’s the one we think will bring you guys the
most success:
Did you know that I’m actually an exchange student from Dartmouth College?
Watch now as the band pays tribute to Yale relationships by forming the White
House of Love and playing “The Power of Love”
[White House - “Power of Love”]
