And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks a blind date with Frankenstein would be less frightening than a visit to Harvard, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

Today the Harvard University Band is celebrating the fact that it was formed 30 years after the DCMB. The band even enticed some alums to join the celebration by describing itself as “hip.” Dig that 60’s jive. Maybe in another 30 years they’ll be as dope as the DCMB is today. But to be fair to the band, we have to point out that being out-of-date seems to be a general Harvard trend. As if there wasn’t enough pretension at Harvard, the lyrics of their favorite song are in Latin. I guess that’s the only way the students here can get away with swearing in front of their parents. So sing it out loud, ‘03s, as we play “Ten Thousand Astardsbay of Harvard.”

I didn’t hear you. But I guess you don’t even know the words since this is probably the first time you’ve left your books long enough to attend a football game. What a pity. We would now like to ask all of our loyal Big Green fans to please rise as La-ra, ra, ren, I kicked his pen... ra, ra, rass, I kicked his Bellucci conducts the DCMB in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that won the Belittling League World Championship, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

We’d like to thank the parents of Natalie Portman if they’re in the stands today, and send our greetings to all of the parents visiting their precious little muffy-wuffins. We hope that all of you mums and daddums are having a pleasant stay. You must be so proud of that sweater your son knit for you. Proud of the way you pay so much money to a school that’s so wealthy and PC that even its football coach is well endowed. Proud of the way your daughter has learned to parallel pahk her SUV in Hahvahd Yahd. Proud that he or she made the wait-list at Dartmouth.

Watch now as the band forms a handknit sweater and plays “Land of 10,000 Knitters.” Who are you??

Hahvahdish pirate voice: (ad lib piratisms) Yahhhhrrr! This is Roy McCur here, Hahvahd class of ‘43, economics major, professional pirate. You might remember me from such pirate adventures as “Captain Shnook and the Crock Pot,” “Bluebeard Goes Clubbing” and “Captain, My Chaplain.” That scalawag announcer from Dartmouth was so ceaseless in her excruciating slurs against the Crimson Tide that I felt obligated to halt the outrage and forced her to walk the plank. Ahhrrr. Please join me now in singing my favorite fightin’ ditty, “Yo ho! The good ship Hahvahd is goalward bound again” while the band forms a Harvard plank. No, no, band. Not the Dartmouth plank! The Harvard plank. Yo ho ho and a tiny taste of rum!

Pirate cont’d: And now, the top 20 reasons why Hahvahd is the best university in the world!

#20 - The library. I love the way they look through the bags of all their patrons and don’t share their books with anyone else!!

#19 - The profs!! Er... the TA’s! I mean.... uh...

#15 - The band!! No... that’s not funny...

#10 - After going here for four years, swabbing decks sure was fun.

#2 - A chance for a first mate!

#3 - Avast, thar she blows!

Watch now as the band forms my hook and plays “I’m called little Buttercup.”

Normal: O-kay.... Thank you for joining us for the game this afternoon, and we hope to see you again next week as the Big Green takes on the Little Blue Smurfs at Columbia.