And now, the only band in the Ivy League that has been sanitized for your protection, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The Cantankerous Uzbekhestani Military Banderos, or C.U.M.B., likes to call itself the Cleverest Band in the World with all the pretension of a Harvard student. Their mascot is just a few stripes away from the Princeton tiger. The C.U.M.B.’s wool sweaters itch as much as a UPenn Quaker. They are just a few body piercings short of becoming Brown students. Their section of bubble blowers and mail box bangers would fit right into the Yale Precision Marching Band. But we’d hate to ever see you guys acting like the Cornell Band. To thine own selves be true. Watch now as the D.C.M.B. salutes the C.U.M.B. with “Roar, Lion, Roar.” Scramble on!

Please rise as Lauren Bellucci-cootchie-coo conducts the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that’s fundraising for spring break in Hawaii... come see us if you’re interested in hiring a flaming tuba for your next party... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

When we were considering our options for spring break, we originally planned to spend a week in Columbia. But then we found out that we wouldn’t be safe going out at night: they’re under an oppressive regime, very few residents speak English, most of them overdose on coffee and coke, and everyone carries a gun. And to top it off, the Boston to Bogota flights were booked solid. We next considered coming here to practice on the plush wall-to-wall all-weather astroturf, but had to discard the idea for the exact same reasons. Since then, our band motto has become “Hawaii or Bust!” and, forgive us if we boast, we think it’s pretty clever. Watch now as the band forms our cruiseliner and plays “Blue Hawaii.”

We’re having a pleasant stay here in New York, but... it’s not Hawaii. We’re looking forward to getting a lei as soon as we step off the plane there. Upon arrival here, we just saw a lot of trash. Hawaii has 8 major islands; New York has three islands and a bunch of trash heaps. Hawaii was formed by volcanoes. New York is built on trash. People go to Hawaii to speak the language of love; in New York they just talk trash. The state fish of Hawaii is the Humuhumunukunukuapua`a. In New York, the state fish is most commonly found dead in the sewer next to some trash. In Hawaii, people float around in the water, in New York... well, okay, there are some people floating next to the trash... but in Hawaii the people are alive. Watch now as the band forms a Hawaiian rainbow, the kind New Yorkers dream about when looking into puddles of oil, and plays “Aloha Oe.”

The best thing about Hawaii, however, was that it served as the inspiration for our favorite song. “Hawaii 5-O” made that state police force the most famous in the world, despite the fact that Hawaii doesn’t actually have a state police force. We just found out that Hawaii 5-0, the movie, is in the works. The big question on everyone’s mind is, “Who has the courage and the hair to be the next Jack Lord?” We’ve got a few ideas and are leaning toward Max Culpepper, faculty director of the DCMB. Until the movie’s release, however, we’ll keep ourselves satisfied by watching such classic episodes as: “Yesterday died and tomorrow won’t be born,” “Diary of a gun,” “The big aloha,” “Requiem for a saddle bronc rider,” “The big kahuna,” “Horoscope for murder,” and “The joker’s wild, man, wild.”

Watch now as the band forms Hawaii and plays that catchy tune you’ve all been waiting for, “Hawaii Five-O!”

Thank you for coming to the game today. And now for your listening pleasure, we suggest that you buy two hot dogs and stick them in your ears, because here comes the Columbia University Marching Band.