And now, the only band in the Ivy League that’s preparing for Y2K by stocking up on beer, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

Please rise as faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the DCMB in “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Coming soon to Celebrity Deathmatch... Bill Gates vs. the G4, as ref’d by Dartmouth alum: Thomas the Penfield Jackson. Gates has a lot of muscle, but the G4’s speed and agility will make this a close competition. Expect to see Bill take off his gloves and whip out his personal edition of Monopoly, with weighted dice and his own set of rules. Gates seems to have the advantage... but the G4 is faster, tougher, more powerful, and a lot cuter. If you’re interested in betting on the outcome of this match, throw money now.

Stay tuned as the band treats the Brown Bears to one of their favorite tunes.

Sarcastically: Gee, that song was almost inspiring. Please rise now as Lauren “Pacha” Bellucci conducts the DCMB in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

And now, the only band in the Ivy League whose fight songs are for the right to party, the Dartmouth College Marching Band.

The DCMB has been receiving pressure from some mature adults to make its shows more kind and tasteful. We don’t know the meaning of these words, though, so they wrote the following segment to serve as an example:

Pristine voice: Today’s opponents are from Brown University, a gated community in the coastal city of Providence, Rhode Island. Brown fosters creativity in the intellectual spirit. Brownies are highly experimental students. Without any grades these students are unhampered by competition. Even their athletic teams aren’t very competitive. The extensive Josiah Carberry library catalog, named for their professor of cracked pots, is full of wonders. The loving faculty at Brown recently initiated a new academic study about “values.” Professors are doing this from a very unbiased and objective viewpoint, since they do not have any values themselves. Watch now as the band forms a warm fuzzy and plays “I’m Walking on Sunshine."

Normal voice: The student assembly is currently offering $1000 to anyone who has an idea for a campus-unifying event. We’ve come up with the following ideas. Checks may be made out to the Dartmouth College Marching Band.

• Give every student 25 cents.

• Create a mock student assembly to debate made-up issues. Oh, wait, we’ve already got one of those.

• Remodel the women’s bathroom on the 3rd floor of South Mass. Please!!

• Bring the Indigo Girls to campus. No, wait... that’s already happened about 10 times.

• How about building a Club Super *beep* so students won’t have to make that long trip to Montreal?

• Buy 12 kegs to replace those empty ones in Alpha Chi’s basement.

• One-way plane tickets to Hanover for Matt Damon and Claire Danes.

• Feed the band lobster!!

Watch now as the band forms a lobster and plays “Cook Me Up With a Cup of Butter.”

We originally wrote this show as an issue of Cosmo, but the rest of it was censored. The only remnants are a couple of horoscopes.

Watch now as the band forms this month’s lucky number and plays “Gimme Some Lovin.’”

Thanks for coming to the game today. We look forward to seeing you here in Memorial Field next week as the Big Green take on the Princeton Pussycats.