And now, the only band in the Ivy League that be Illin’ (illin’, illin... illin’...), the RUN-DCMB!

Band Downfield (doubletime) to DT1

Please rise as faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the band in the National Anthem.

Concert Formation, Star Spangled Banner

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and to all the alums out there, welcome home. Today’s game features the Dartmouth Big Green, who plan to beat the starch right out of the Yale Sheepdogs’ collars. It may seem at times during the game that Yale didn’t actually bring its team to Hanover. In fact, they just learned to play ball in New Haven. Conspicuously absent, though, is the Yale Precision Marching Band, who instead of playing with us and chugging Jell-O have decided to stay home and play with themselves.

Speaking of which, the DCMB has learned that Yale was featured recently in Playboy’s annual college issue. After procuring a copy of the magazine for research purposes, we found an article by a Yale religious studies student on sex in New Haven. It seems that inexperience is on the rise among the Elis, and that rather than dating, more Yale students are simply reading more Playboy.

And what survey of Yale students not having sexual relations would be complete without mentioning Yale’s contribution to the presidential crisis. It seems President Clinton has decided not to attend his 25^th Yale Law School reunion. In related news, the Yale daily newspaper has issued an editorial calling for the President’s resignation. Talk about enforcing alumni contributions.

In light of all the controversy, the DCMB would like to comfort the Yalies by playing what we hear is Monica’s favorite fight song.

Reverse Concert Formation, Boola Boola

Please rise as Student Conductor Lauren "New Haven is a safe, clean, and culturally endowed city" Bellucci leads the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Concert Formation, Alma Mater

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that would like the ‘shmen to stop building bonfires and start building libraries, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Fancy Marchout, DTs 3 & 4

The band would like to welcome all returning alumni back to the Hanover Plain this weekend. In particular, we want to thank the band alumni for the support they give us year after year. Please welcome the lifetime members of the DCMB as they join us in the center of the field.

Alumni "D," Trumpet Fanfare

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, if the leaves are turning, the air is crisp, and you have a really bad hangover, then it must be Homecoming, the most popular of the quarterly drinking binges that drive grades into the ground and spark new romances that you probably won’t remember in the morning. And it gives us younger folks a chance to hobnob with the alums.

We here at the band have to wonder, though, what’s in it for the alums? The DCMB asked around, and while most talked about the cliches of reliving one’s college years and refinding one’s camarades of yore, one alum was completely honest with us. Mr. Ginifred N. Tonic IV (Gin for short), Class of 1969, told us: "Sure, nobody likes to hang out in a crowded smelly basement drinking really cheap beer. But when we see all the haircuts on the recent pledges, our balding doesn’t seem so bad anymore."

Watch now as the band forms (a pledge’s haircut) and plays (Miller Time)...

(Spiral Shape), (?)

Of course, what really separates October from the rest of the year is the bonfire. The Class of 2002 did a fine job on the whole affair, though as always, the band has some complaints. Accordingly, we offer the top ten shortcomings we found in the Dartmouth Night festivities:

10. The bonfire didn’t come out well enough on the Baker Web-Cam

9. DCMB Faculty Director Max Culpepper didn’t have to pull anyone out of jail.

8. It would have been more productive to burn down the River Cluster.

7. No one told us which books we should be reading this weekend.

6. Wayne Schlobaum should have hung out with the band.

5. Oh, why didn’t we have a luau in Hawaii instead?

4. The moose didn’t melt.

3. The ‘02’s were born too late to run around the fire 99 times.

2. Wearing wool blazers next to a raging inferno.

and our biggest complaint about the bonfire?

1. Not Enough Cans of Whoop-Ass

Watch now as the band forms (a can of whoop-ass) and plays (?)...

(Can), (?)

Alums and upperclassmen alike will be partying hard this weekend. But as any ‘shmen who got turned away from a fraternity last night know, it might be a bit tough to sneak into the best parties this weekend. For the sake of the ‘02’s who aren’t cute enough to get let into the dance parties this evening, the DCMB has come up with a list of things that the freshmen can do to amuse themselves during Homecoming:

Start a second bonfire in the basement of Parkhurst…

Finally send that breakup blitz to your hometown honey…

Convince your roommate that you bought this month’s Playboy for the Yale article…

Run around the empty center of the green twice…

Resume that age old Gap vs. Abercrombie & Fitch debate with your UGA group…

And for our last suggestion we’re taking a play right out of the College’s playbook. What with the recent cable decision, you can watch the Spanish Language Network right in your very own dorm room…

Watch now as the band forms (a cable TV) and plays (the theme to our second-favorite show on Univision, El Programa de los Muppets).

(TV), (The Muppet Show)