And now, the only band in the Ivy League that, if it had to choose a syndrome, would choose Tourette’s, the <beeeeep> Dartmouth College <beeeep> Marching <beeeep> Band!

DT1, Band Downfield

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen and stodgy Crimson-Tux-Wearing Bandies. Please rise as Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts the band in our National Anthem.

SSB, Concert Formation

Well, just when we thought that the social life at Yale was as bad as you could get, along comes the Harvard Crimson, telling us that dating at Harvard just isn’t happening. What can you expect from a school that relies on MIT for the bulk of its social options? To resolve the problem, dorms at Harvard are sponsoring "Dating Game" themed events. The DCMB wondered how successful the attempts were, and found these reports:

"I just wanted someone who was normal," says one sophomore. Not likely in Cambridge, says the DCMB.

One freshman girl remarked that after her date, she was "pretty embarassed." Not because the guy was that bad, but because even Harvard men didn’t want to date her.

And a Harvard junior found the biggest problem with the dating game was scheduling. It seems his date was continually washing her hair.

The most realistic survey of the dating scene at Harvard, though, surely came from the sophomore who said, "I wasn’t expecting much."

The DCMB feels bad for those suffering from the Harvard social life. To ease their pain, we invite them to commiserate with the 10,000 other lonely men of Harvard.

Harvard Fight Song, Reverse Concert Formation

Please rise as Student Conductor "Lauren? Nope, Doesn’t Ring A" Bellucci leads the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Alma Mater, Concert Formation

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that would like to thank President Wright for having the ‘02’s read Brave New World and not Atlas Shrugged, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

DT1, Band Downfield

That’s right, the word on the streets of Hanover this term is Capitalism. Since the debate began in the pages of the D, we’ve overheard a number of debates on the topic. We thought we’d share a few of our favorites:

Perhaps Capitalism Boy vs. a Drill Instructor:

"The return of child labor would clearly allow for an improvement in the quality of parents’ lives."

[French] "Je m’appelle Maurice. Et tu, comment t’appeles tu?"

[Band snaps at one another in drill instructor like way]

Capitalism Boy vs. Bear Bones Character

[High Pitched, Read Fast] "The minimum wage will lower employment rates, while at the same time raising prices."

[Drunk] "I haven’t been sober for forty-eight hours and I have an exam in ten minutes! Help me Boozy!"

Or, Capitalism Boy vs. Food Court Grill Guy

"Persons who consume rotten meat from corrupt vendors are obviously stupid and deserve the ensuing illness."

[Surly] "Do you want the gravy on just the fries or on the cheesesteak, too?"

Or, Capitalism Boy vs. the Inflatable Moose:

"In the absence of government, poverty would not exist, as the poor would not have food long enough to reproduce."

"Hssssssss....."

Finally, Capitalism Boy vs. the DCMB:

"The political system..."

[Interrupting:] "Watch now as the band forms a [capitalist?] and plays [Hey, Big Spender?]..."

[Pig?], [Hey, Big Spender?]

Some might argue that rather than mocking the capitalist debates, we should be happy about the intellectualism being seen on campus. To this we respond, "Who says we’re not intellectual?" To prove just how intelligent Dartmouth students can be, we’ve decided to pit a Dartmouth student vs. a Harvard fan in a current events contest:

[Band forms a Pumpkin]

Question 1: Today is Halloween. What traditional halloween decoration do you see here?

Dartmouth? [Drunk Again] "It’s a really big keg. Yeah, a keg."

Harvard? [Nasal] "I think it must be the Starship Enterprise."

No, sorry, guys, but it’s a pumpkin. Maybe we’ll try something easier.

[Band forms a Broom]

Question 2: Witches are an important part of Halloween. What mode of transportation unique to witches is in the picture below?

Dartmouth? "Umm... A keg tap?"

Harvard? "It is clearly a Klingon Bird of Prey."

Wrong again, kids. It’s a broom.

[Band forms a Ballot Box]

Maybe you guys just aren’t the Halloween types. Question 3: Tuesday is election day. The picture here is a box which holds ballots. What might one call such a box? Ballot box is an acceptable answer.

Now, Harvard, you guess first: "Umm... The Borg Cube?"

No... Dartmouth? "It’s a keg again, only on its side, dude..."

Okay, so maybe Dartmouth isn’t intellectual after all. But at least we’ve got a strong affection for beer. Watch now as the band forms [a keg, for real this time], and plays [Son of a Gun for Beer].

[Keg], [Son of a Gun for Beer]

Thank you all for coming out to today’s game, and enjoy the second half. Be sure to come next week for your last chance to see the 1998 DCMB here at Memorial Field.

DT1, Band Off Field