Pregame:

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks New Haven is neither new, nor a haven, the Dartmouth College Marching Band.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for joining us today at the Yale Bowl. We’re delighted to be here, ourselves, but then our team wins its games.

Yale University has again turned down a gift from a wealthy alumnus. Larry Kramer, a gay playwright, has offered Yale millions of dollars to endow a gay studies professorship. Although they already offer several classes, Yale declined the gift because they didn't feel gay studies was a legitimate field. Why Yale keeps turning away donations is only slightly more puzzling than why they offer courses in a field they don’t believe is legitimate. Of course, both pale next to the mystery of why they continue to play football... I guess we’ll never know.

Watch now as student conductor Angelalapalooza Schiebout conducts the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Halftime:

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that has turned over all its videotapes to the Justice Department, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The most striking news on the Yale campus lately has been a discussion of Dr. Lorna Sarrel’s lecture, "Demystifying the G-Spot." No, we only wish we were making this up. It seems that at Yale, where even the football players can’t score, everyone needs a little... direction. Dr. Sarrel dispensed advice, information, and anecdotal evidence of unusual ways in which women achieved a word we can’t say over the loudspeakers.

In response to the talk, it seems that a number of extra-curricular activities have found new adherents. Here are the top ten fastest-growing extra-curriculars at Yale:

10. Rope Climbing.

9. "Homework."

8. Bike Riding.

7. Facial grimace and toe pointing practice – just in case.

6. Playing with the Bulldog.

5. Getting The Edge to tattoo directions to the G-spot.

4. Playing Handball.

3. Handcuffing Freshmen to furniture.

2. Bridge crossing.

and the fastest-growing activity at Yale,

1. Key-card entry.

Watch now as the band forms a bridge and plays Gimme Some Lovin’.

Renovations of the Yale law library are underway, though it has become a one step forward, two steps back situation – construction accidents are a growing problem. One worker set fire to the roof by carelessly tossing away a cigarette. The response from the fire department caused water damage to their stacks. On top of that, workers have begun dropping things, most notably a piece of pipe and a hammer, on terrified students. The DCMB has learned that these were not accidents. The Law School, alma mater of the Clintons, has decided to add falling-object dodging to the draft dodging and subpoena dodging curriculum.

Watch now as the band forms a hammer and plays Hail to the Moolah.

New Haven gets a bad rap, but there are many more things to do here than most people realize. For example, on Thursday afternoons you can go to Stirling Library and listen to the crazy religious lady tell you why you’re going to hell. Every morning you can shower in a coed bathroom. There are always the Women’s Center’s lectures to go to, and if you’re really desperate, you can join an a capella group. Of course, these all mean staying in the city; naturally many Yalies have a growing need to escape New Haven, to return to nature. Just north of campus is East Rock Park, a hill with the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Monument, grassy slopes, trees, and... views of the city.

Watch now as the band forms the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Monument and plays The Land of a Thousand Pollutants.

Ladies and gentlemen, please cover the ears of any small children you have with you today, because next up is the Yale Precision Marching Band. Which is neither Precision, nor Marching – aw, forget it.