Pregame:
And now, the only band in the Ivy League with four sixes and a (rolls dice in
cup) ROTC!, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
Band Downfield to DT1
Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to Memorial Field for the final football game
of the season. We’d also like to welcome the number one band in the US to
Dartmouth today, but we’re not the kind of band that pats itself on the back.
[Adam, we’ll only use this line if they mention in pregame that they won the
ESPN college band poll.]
The University formerly know as Princeton decided last year to tear down
their football stadium. We’d like to point out that "tear down" is a euphemism
for "finally let it collapse." The maintenance staff had been trying for years
to keep chunks of concrete from braining unsuspecting Princeton students, and we
can all see how poorly that worked. The lack of a stadium means every one
of the team’s games this year has been away; rumors that the band deliberately
chipped away at the structure in order to spend this season far from New Jersey
have not been substantiated.
Watch now as the band forms New Jersey and plays a song to make the
Princetonians feel at home.
Band forms New Jersey and plays the Princeton Song.
Please rise as student conductor Angela "Only one type left, and that’s
water" Schiebout leads the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater, and remain
standing as Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts the National Anthem.
Halftime:
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks its announcer is a piece
of – hey, who wrote this? – the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
Band downfield to DT1.
The plans for the construction of the new Berry Library have been raising
controversy, with some students going so far as to [make this dramatic] Sign A
Petition. Good thinking – that’s worked so well in the past.
Anyway, it seems the petition claims the building will look too much like a
factory. What would they mass-produce? Some have suggested J. Crew and
baseball-cap wearing students, but Dartmouth already has that factory: we call
it the Greek system.
It hasn’t reached petition status yet, but the DCMB is sure controversy will
also arise about who should be included in the names to be carved on the
library’s façade. No one will want it to be just the traditional Western Canon,
so the DCMB has come up with a compromise. Put these three together: Plato,
Jimmy O, and Napolitano.
Watch now as the band forms a cool mill and plays Big Spender.
Band forms $ and plays Big Spender.
The College Committee on Alcohol and Other Drugs just released their report
on alcohol at Dartmouth. Their recommendations included further limits on the
number of kegs on campus and allowing Campus Po’ to enter and monitor parties.
We began to wonder: what would happen if this were taken to extremes? Well, the
Starbucks section of Collis would have to move down to Lone Pine, where
21-year-olds could drink up to three cups per day. Safety and Security would
post a 24-hour guard on the chem department’s supply of ethel alcohol. You’d be
ID’d if you tried to buy NyQuil. And Hanover would secede to Quebec when the
drinking age was raised to 64.
Watch now as the band forms ? and plays "When I’m 64".
Band forms a bottle of NyQuil and plays "When I’m 64".
This is the last game of the season, and we’d like to thank our Faculty
Director, Max "Yes, I sent the banner back to Yale" Culpepper, our alumni and
fans, and especially our seniors. This is their last football game as Dartmouth
students, and we’d like to recognize them now and thank them for their
dedication and leadership. They are:
Rena "Sugar-Free" Chicklas
Peter "Hot off the" Cobb, Secretary
Ilyas "District of" Colombowala
Christal "How much does that" Costello
Tiffany "Go" Downing
Tim Farrell "Horse"
Glen "damn a give don’t I dear my ly-" Frank
Dave "Beat ’em beat ’em, buck ’em buck ’em, lay ’em down and really" Markham
Julia Mueller? I hardly know her!
Jen "re" Peters
Scott "DWI" Rankin, President and scape goat
Ange"la-di-flippin-da" Schiebout, Conductor.
Karen "Long and" Thickman, Social Chair
Heather "brick" Walling, Librarian
Adam "A Bottle of Red" Weinstein, Announcer
Mark "my words" Wenzel, Show Chair
Shadrick "-ter scale" Williams
Watch now as the band forms the year they never thought would actually come,
and sends the seniors off with pomp.
Band forms a ‘98 and plays Pomp 5-0. Seniors cry. ’Shwomen and ’shmen confess
their love. The heavens open up and music reminiscent of both "Ride of the
Valkyries" and "Also Sprach Zarathustra" swells from all sides. A great voice
booms out across the land:
Thank you for coming out today and all this season, and we’ll see you again
next year!
Band off field to DT1.
*I was also tempted to write, "And now, the only band in the Ivy League that
put the OD in CCAOD, the DCMB!" But I didn’t.
