And now, the only band in the Ivy League that "Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don’t cry, it’s the Dartmouth College Marching Band!"

Please rise as faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the Band in the National Anthem.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Memorial Field for Homecoming weekend.

The Harvard Crimson had a special report last week on aphrodisiac foods, to remedy what they called, "a perennial complaint of Harvard students: lousy sex lives." There’s no need to resort to special foods. For struggling Harvard students, the DCMB has a few tips:

– First, date professors. Since your classes are taught by grad students, there are none of those nasty issues about misuse of an authority position.

– Second, date grad students. Sure, they’re teaching your classes, but because they’re also Harvard students and just as desperate as you are, there are none of those nasty issues about misuse of an authority position.

– Third, join the band. People in uniform are sexy.

– And finally, the guaranteed way to improve your social life at Harvard is: transfer to Dartmouth.

Watch now as the band forms a Harvard stickman and plays Ten Thousand Lonely Men of Harvard.

Band forms Harvard Stickman and plays Ten Thousand Men of Harvard.

The DCMB has been watching faculty and administrators debate who ought to occupy some of the top positions at Dartmouth. However, according to the D this week, they’ve decided the current provost will keep his job until the new president is named. We congratulate them on finally finding their Mr. Wright.

On a more serious note, the DCMB wishes Adam Dansiger, class of 2000, good luck and a swift recovery.

Please rise as student conductor Angela "Downhill" Scheibout leads the Band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

And now the only band in the Ivy League the Athletic Department has on a 3-second censorship delay, the Dartmouth College Marching -Beeep-

The DCMB welcomes all the Dartmouth alumni who are back in Hanover for the weekend, especially the Band alumni with us on the field today.

The Florida Marlins won the World Series on Sunday night, making them the most recent team ever to do so. Their flirtation with a seventh-game win went to two extra innings. It was a steamy evening in Florida: they tried everything. They tried different pitches: screwball, change-up, slider, spitball. Success depended on the strength of their battery. There were no exotic double plays or foreign substances allowed. As a last resort, they even tried the suicide squeeze. In the end, though, it was sliding into home that finally took them over the top.

Watch now as the band forms a baseball bat and plays "Hey, Battah battah battah..."

Michele Hernandez, a Dartmouth alumna and former admissions officer, has published a book called A is for Admissions, which the introduction claims "will greatly improve your chances of being accepted at an Ivy League college." The DCMB, however, noticed that it only covers undergraduate admissions – it doesn’t help people get that other coveted position, a job on the Safety and Security force. Here’s a preview of the DCMB’s upcoming book, S is for Safety… and also for Security.

Chapter 8:

Your employment at S&S is almost entirely dependent on the sample incident log you submit. Here is a sample of the kind of writing they’re looking for:

October 27th.

Information: Possible complaint almost reported. Protocols were followed.

October 28th.

Alcohol: Case of beer found in green minivan. The case is now under investigation.

October 29th.

Investigation: Strip-searched member of a sorority. She was found to be fine.

October 30th.

Moving Violation: Green minivan parked illegally.

October 31st.

Fire – Actual. Bright blaze on the Green. Responding officer was trampled by ‘shmen.

Watch now as the band forms a well-secured doughnut and plays a song for those who know it's not easy, driving green.

Thank you for coming out today, and enjoy the rest of the game! We’ll see you in two weeks, when Dartmouth takes on the Brown Bears here at Memorial Field.

*REVISED*

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that "Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don’t cry, it’s the Dartmouth College Marching Band!"

Please rise as faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the Band in the National Anthem.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Memorial Field for Homecoming weekend.

The Harvard Crimson had a special report last week on aphrodisiac foods, to remedy what they called, "a perennial complaint of Harvard students: lousy sex lives." There’s no need to resort to special foods. For struggling Harvard students, the DCMB has a few tips:

– First, date professors. Since your classes are taught by grad students, there are none of those nasty issues about misuse of an authority position.

– Second, date grad students. Sure, they’re teaching your classes, but because they’re also Harvard students and just as desperate as you are, there are none of those nasty issues about misuse of an authority position.

– Third, join the band. People in uniform are sexy.

– And finally, the guaranteed way to improve your social life at Harvard is: transfer to Dartmouth.

Watch now as the band forms a Harvard stickman and plays Ten Thousand Lonely Men of Harvard.

Band forms Harvard Stickman and plays Ten Thousand Men of Harvard.

The DCMB has been watching faculty and administrators debate who ought to occupy some of the top positions at Dartmouth. However, according to the D this week, they’ve decided the current provost will keep his job until the new president is named. We congratulate them on finally finding their Mr. Wright.

On a more serious note, the DCMB wishes Adam Dansiger, class of 2000, good luck and a swift recovery.

Please rise as student conductor Angela "Downhill" Scheibout leads the Band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

And now the only band in the Ivy League the Athletic Department has on a 3-second censorship delay, the Dartmouth College Marching -Beeep-

The DCMB welcomes all the Dartmouth alumni who are back in Hanover for the weekend, especially the Band alumni with us on the field today.

The Florida Marlins won the World Series on Sunday night, making them the most recent team ever to do so. In the end, it was sliding into home that finally took them over the top. Watch now as the band forms a baseball bat and plays "Hey, Battah battah battah..."

Michele Hernandez, a Dartmouth alumna and former admissions officer, has published a book called A is for Admissions, which the introduction claims "will greatly improve your chances of being accepted at an Ivy League college." The DCMB, however, noticed that it only covers undergraduate admissions – it doesn’t help people get that other coveted position, a job on the Safety and Security force. Here’s a preview of the DCMB’s upcoming book, S is for Safety… and also for Security.

Chapter 8:

Your employment at S&S is almost entirely dependent on the sample incident log you submit. Here is a sample of the kind of writing they’re looking for:

October 27th.

Information: Possible complaint almost reported. Protocols were followed.

October 28th.

Alcohol: Case of beer found in green minivan. The case is now under investigation.

October 29th.

Investigation: Strip-searched member of a sorority. She was found to be fine.

October 31st.

Fire – Actual. Bright blaze on the Green. Responding officer was trampled by ‘shmen.

Watch now as the band forms a well-secured douhgnut and plays a song for those who know it's not easy, driving green.

Thank you for coming out today, and enjoy the rest of the game! We’ll see you in two weeks, when Dartmouth takes on the Brown Bears here at Memorial Field.