And now, the only band in the Ivy League to play for the team with the longest unbeaten streak in college football, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Please rise as Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts the National Anthem.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Memorial Field for Dartmouth Football’s first home game of the 1997 season. We’d especially like to welcome our guests from Cornell, who successfully resisted temptation at several narrow bridges to make it here.

The news at Cornell these days is all about housing. Apparently at the focus of the debate are Cornell’s ‘theme houses,’ not to be confused with its theme parks--like undergraduate admissions. The DCMB today offers a short introduction to some popular theme houses at Cornell:

Many of the Cornell students with us today are in the combined Marching Band/ROTC house. As the only difference between the two organizations is that ROTC can actually march, this is a happy and natural union – unlike those found at the next house, the Animal Husbandry House and Stable, which features private stalls. The largest theme house at Cornell is a support group for those who still wish they’d been accepted by a state school. Any state school. The School of Hotel Management also runs a house; a hotel, actually, so that its students can practice real-world techniques like placing mints on the pillows, turning the "no vacancy" sign on and off, and billing by the hour.

The DCMB dedicates this playing of the [Cornell Song] to our favorite theme house: entirely made of singles, it’s reserved for cellists and translators of Catullus.

This is the first home game for the entire class of 2001, which has spent the last three weeks being told by the administration that they’re the smartest class ever, the most diverse, the best at this and that. The band offers a remedy; here are the top ten facts the administration won’t tell you about the class of 2001:

10. 6% can pronounce "Catullus."

9. 42% think of a cello first when they hear the word "G-string."

8. 9% of them think Blitz is a football term.

7. 54% Have a crush on their UGA’s.

6. 21% had eaten cous-cous before their DOC trips.

5. 50% of them have already gotten into a fraternity party.

4. The other 50% are male.

3. 63% don’t yet know the difference between Dash and Green Card.

2. 36% will peevishly insist they’re the first class to graduate in the next millenium.

And the number one fact about the class of 2001:

54% of them dry towels on their illegal torchiere-style halogen lamps.

Before we finish today, the DCMB would like to ask for a moment of silence now in honor of the memory of several members of the Dartmouth Community.

Thank you.

Please rise as our student conductor, Angela "Cross Country" Schiebout leads us in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that hasn’t seen Marv Albert in a garter belt, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The big news this week is the resignation of College President James Freedman. Known best for trying to make Dartmouth a place where the ‘creative loner’ would feel welcome, President Freedman leaves after 11 years of service to Dartmouth. His is the latest in a series of high-level administration resignations. The College must now fill the positions of Dean of the Medical School, Dean of the Thayer School, Provost, and President. In the spirit of service and helpfulness, the DCMB would like to offer some suggestions for replacements.

– For Med. School Dean: Given his high profile, familiarity with public relations techniques, and of course his well-demonstrated grasp of anatomy and physiology, we recommend a man who knows how to deal with politics and backbiting – Marv Albert.

– For Thayer School Dean: Our nomination goes to the unnamed astronaut on MiR who accidentally disconnected eleven key cables and set the station adrift. After nearly costing three lives and billions of dollars, any mistakes he might make as dean will seem minor.

– For Provost: The Provost is a highly visible person who does mostly invisible and mysterious things. Naturally, a person with experience in a similar position is preferred, so the best candidate here is David Copperfield.

– For President: We decided that it would be best to name Jim Wright president without a formal search. However, the faculty protested and we reconsidered. Our new candidate is a creative loner, and we’ll get his name as soon as we find his hiding place.

Watch now as the Band forms creative loners and marches to the beat of a different drummer.

The Dartmouth recently announced the departure for Middlebury College of DDS head honcho Pete Napolitano. DDS is now adrift, awaiting the appointment of someone to take his place. Whoever it is – good luck! In the meantime, the DCMB is pleased to offer its services in suggesting things we’d like to see in the dining halls.

– At Home Plate, expand the bottled water selection. We already have Dartmouth spring water; we’d like to see water from other schools, too. For example: Princeton spring water, which closely resembles Perrier; Penn spring water, which closely resembles motor oil; and Cornell’s Cayuga spring water –with floaters.

– At Food Court, we’d like to see a Buffalo THEME SECTION. We have Buffalo Burgers and Buffalo wings – let’s add Buffalo fries, Buffalo Beverages, and Buffalo chips.

– At Topside, we’d like to see fresh fruits and vegetables. The key word here is ‘fresh.’ Heck, we’ll settle for ‘edible.’

– At the Hop, we’d like to see a name change. Who really calls it ‘Courtyard Café?’

– And of course, at Westside, (also known as Full Fare) we have just two suggestions: more chicken dishes, and a beer tap.

Watch now as the band forms a beer tap and plays "Miller Time."

Thank you for coming out today, and enjoy the second half of the game! We’ll see you on the 25th as the Big Green battle Lehigh.