[Due to the weather (it snowed), we weren’t allowed onto the field for the
show--so there are two formations for each segment: the original, and in
brackets, the revised.]
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Brown Band is
slamming, hip, and rhythmically funky--no, wait, that’s James Brown’s band,
the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
Band downfield to DT1.
Brown University is known for their flexible curriculum and graduation
requirements – that is to say, they don’t have any. If you can endure Brown for
four years, you get a sheepskin. Brown students also don’t have majors; they
have concentrations, which work like this:
Write all the classes down on cards and lay them face down. Pick up any two – if
they match, keep
em.
If they don’t, keep ’em anyway. There’s no rule at Brown that your courses have
to match each other, or, for that matter, anything else. Watch now as the band
picks its courses and plays everyone’s favorite concentration song.
Band forms D.U.H. and plays Jepoardy.
[Watch now as the band forms a blank sheet of paper and plays everyone’s
favorite concentration song.]
Brown students complain that they’re tied with Emory in the latest college
rankings. We’d like to point out that this is because, from a Hanover
perspective, they’re both second-rate southern schools.
Please rise as student conductor Angela Schie’bout time you got here! leads
the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater, and please remain standing as
Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts the National Anthem.
Band goes to concert formation and plays Alma Mater and National Anthem.
Halftime:
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that’s never seen a sheep at
Dartmouth, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
Band downfield to DT1.
The DCMB is happy to welcome the Brown University Band to Hanover. We’ve
noticed that after nearly being eliminated two years ago for lack of interest,
they’ve grown quite a bit. This is because the easiest way to get Brown students
to group together is to convince them they’re being different. We also feel the
need to issue an apology for our show last year, which caused a lot of bad blood
between the bands. We called Brown students stereotypical freaks, which is
wrong. We’re sorry – what we meant, of course, is prototypical freaks.
And that comment we made about Brown students all having green hair – it was
uncalled for. It just wasn’t fair to all the bald Brown women.
Watch now as the band forms a bald head and plays "You Can Call Me Allison."
Band forms a head and plays "You Can Call Me Al".
[Watch now as the band forms a football field and plays, "You Can Call Me
Allison.]
We admit that being up in Hanover can sometimes isolate us from the rest of
the world. The DCMB wants to help, by offering a news digest of events at our
guest university.
Item: There has been an increase of crime on the Brown campus. Rhode Island
police are having a difficult time catching perpetrators, as they can’t run a
block without crossing a state line.
Item: The Young Communists’ League took over the administration building. No,
we only wish we were making this up.
Item: The admissions department decided that all possible admissions criteria
were socio-economically dependent, and thus in the spirit of fairness, students
would be chosen at random. This change is not expected to have a noticible
effect.
Watch now as the band forms a seeing-eye dog and plays "Three Blind
Admissions Officers."
Band forms a seeing-eye dog and plays "Three Blind Mice."
[Watch now as the band forms the intellect of a Brown Student and plays
"Three Blind Admissions Officers."]
As you just heard, the most exciting news at Brown recently has been the
Young Communists’ League’s invasion of University Hall, where they presented a
list of demands to top administrators. Recognizing that this kind of thing seems
stranger to Dartmouth students than to Brownies, the DCMB offers insight into
the workings of a Brown mind with the top ten demands presented by the
Communists:
10. Iron shower curtains.
9. No grades so everyone is equal – wait, they have that.
8. Vodka in the cafeteria.
7. Restriction of trade and free speech.
6. A Five-Year Plan, for those who can’t graduate in four.
5. Flexibility in major classes – wait, they have that.
4. Embalmed past presidents on permanent display.
3. Shoot protesters in the square.
2. Switch mascot to the "Bears." – wait, they have that, too.
and the number one demand of the Communists at Brown,
1. They want a name change to "Red University."
Watch now as the band forms a hammer and sickle and plays the "New World
Order Symphony."
Band forms a hammer and sickle and plays the "New World Symphony."
[Watch now as the band forms Siberia and plays the "New World Order
Symphony.]
Thank you for coming out today, and we hope to see you next week as the Big
Green take on the Princeton Tigers.
