And now, the only band in the Ivy League that went through all 15 major and minor keys until it found the one that opened the liquor cabinet... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!!

Good afternoon football fans, and welcome to Homecoming Weekend at Memorial Field for today's game, as the Big Green of Dartmouth host the Sheepdogs... oops, we're sorry... Bulldogs of Yale University. As some of you may know, US News and World Report recently published their annual ranking of the Top Colleges and Universities in the United States. Surprisingly enough, Yale was ranked #1, which surely must have pleased all those Yalies back in beautiful New Haven, Connecticut. We in the DCMB would like to congratulate Yale on making top billing this year, but we must admit, we're just as shocked as you are! I guess school location and campus safety weren't two of the evaluating criteria this year!

It also seems that our Jello-chugging counterparts, the members of the Yale Precision Marching Band, once again decided to stay at home this year, rather than drive up here to Hanover for today's game. Boy, you'd think that anyone given the opportunity to escape New Haven for a couple of days would jump all over it! Maybe their bus was hijacked by a overzealous crowd of leaf-peepers, or perhaps they thought today's game was down in Connecticut at the Yale Bowl, which as we all know, could use a good flushing!

We in the DCMB would like to say that we're sorry that the Yale Band didn't show up today, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to lie like that. We would, however, like to welcome the Bulldog Faithful that did visit Hanover this afternoon by playing that ever-popular Yale fight song, "Boola, Boola!"

Please rise as Student Conductor Karen "Hazy Shade of" Wenner leads the Band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater, and remain standing as DCMB Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts our National Anthem...

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that Yale University in flames would have made for an even better bonfire last night, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!!

The DCMB would like welcome back all alumni returning to the Hanover plain this weekend, and thank them for all the generous support they have given us year after year. Please welcome all the Band alumni as they now join us on the field.

Yes folks, the news is out, and it's taking the pop music world by storm... Madonna is now a mommy. Just this past Monday afternoon, the one and only "Material Girl" gave birth to a 6 pound, 9 ounce baby girl. Upon hearing the news, many people were left wondering... "Is Madonna really serious about this? Is this just another one of her publicity stunts? Has she gone too far this time? "Well, we in the DCMB must honestly say that we think Madonna would in fact make a great mother... for various reasons...

She could teach her child about the "birds and the bees" with her best-selling book, "SEX"...

Hell, she's bound to be better at parenting than movie acting!...

She already owns a wide variety of teething objects...

And what do you know, she already has had experience dealing with pesky little boys... case in point -- former hubby Sean Penn...

Watch now as the Band forms ____________________ and plays ____________________

Ah yes, Homecoming... the time when many loyal (and generous -- hint! hint!) Dartmouth alums return home to their Alma Mater. Though 'round the girdled Earth they roam, her spell on them surely remains. Several things have changed on campus over the past few years, some of which alumni may not be aware..

Take, for example, the old hospital... or should we say what used to be the old hospital, after it was blown away this past year to make way for a brand spanking new parking lot! Woo hoo! Funding for this project was rumored to be provided by the Will to Ex*plode* Campaign...

Let's see... what else is changing around here? Well, the leaves change! Every year in fact, and around this time, no less! Wait! Maybe we shouldn't speak so loudly... there might be a group of leaf-peepers "rustling" nearby! Shhh....

Despite all these changes, however, it is still common to hear alumni cry out with emotion, "Lest the old traditions fail!" Dartmouth remains a college rich in tradition, dating back to the days of its beloved founder, Eleazar Wheelock.

Watch now as the Band forms ____________________ and plays ____________________

(in a whining, mocking voice)

--"Yale is in New Haven, Yale is in New Haven!"--

We know, we know, Yale students have probably heard this chant sung to them many times, and are more than likely sick and tired of it. But face it folks, you've got to wonder why anyone in their right mind would want to go to school at Yale! Ok, let's take those iron bars on the gates, windows and doors, for example. What are they really there for? To keep unruly New Haven residents, vandals and thieves off the Yale campus? Why frankly, we think they're put there to keep Yale students from escaping! After all, the best part about going to Yale is knowing that you eventually get to leave! If you're really lucky, you could get kicked out, which would make trying to escape that much easier! In an effort to make everyone's lives just a bit easier, the DCMB presents the Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of Yale...

#10 - Take the bulldog out to get "fixed"

#9 - Send cries of "Blasphemy" among the Yale faithful by singing the words to the sacred "Yale Boola" backwards... "Aloob, aloob... aloob, aloob..."

#8 - Mock your professors for not being able to find better jobs

#7 - Walk into every class shouting at the top of your lungs, "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!"

#6 - Take a leak on the statue of Eli Yale

#5 - Insist that Yale was your first choice... you'll promptly be removed on charges of insanity

#4 - Streak the Yale campus in protest of Playboy Magazine (Wait a minute, wasn't it just a few months ago I saw... uh, let's go on...)

#3 - Bite into a sandwich at the dining hall and shout, "Eww... I taste bulldog!"

#2 - When your major advisor asks about prerequisites, tell him, "Oh yeah? I got your prerequisites right here!"... then show him

and the number one thing that will get you kicked out of Yale...

Kidnap the Bulldog mascot for (ahem...)"recreational purposes"!

Watch now as the Band forms ____________________ and plays ____________________

The DCMB would like to thank you all for attending today's Homecoming Game! Enjoy the second half, everybody! Come see us at Hahhhvad in two weeks, and then back here at Memorial Field the following week for our final home game of the season vs. those pussycats of Columbia University.

*REVISED*

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that Yale University in flames would have made for an even better bonfire last night, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!!

Good afternoon football fans, and welcome to Homecoming Weekend at Memorial Field, as the Big Green of Dartmouth host the Sheepdogs... (cough) Bulldogs of Yale University. As you may know, US News and World Report recently placed Yale #1 in their annual college ranking. This must have pleased (and surprised) all those Yalies back in beautiful New Haven. The DCMB would like to congratulate Yale, but we must admit, we're just as shocked as you are! I guess school location and campus safety weren't two of the evaluating criteria this year!

It also seems that our Jello-chugging counterparts, the Yale Band, once again decided to stay at home this year. Boy, you'd think they'd jump at the opportunity to escape New Haven for a few days! Maybe their bus was hijacked by a crazed crowd of leaf-peepers, or perhaps it was stolen right outside of the Yale Bowl!

We would like to say that we're sorry that the Yale Band didn't show up today, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to lie like that. We would, however, like to welcome the Bulldog Faithful that are here this afternoon by playing that ever-popular Yale fight song, "Boola, Boola!"

Please rise as Student Conductor Karen "Hazy Shade of" Wenner leads the Band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater, and remain standing as DCMB Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts our National Anthem...

HEY BAND!

"LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!"

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the letters Y-A-L-E stand for "Yet Another Lame Education", the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!!

The DCMB would like welcome back all alumni returning to the Hanover plain this weekend, and thank them for all the generous support they have given us year after year. Please welcome all the Band alumni as they now join us on the field.

The news is out... Madonna is now a mommy. Just this past Monday afternoon, the one and only "Material Girl" gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Upon hearing the news, many people were left wondering... "Is Madonna really serious about this? Is this just another one of her publicity stunts? Has she gone too far this time? " Well, we in the DCMB think Madonna would in fact make a great mother...

She could teach her child about the "birds and the bees" with her best-selling book, "SEX"...

Hell, she's bound to be better at parenting than movie acting!...

She already owns a wide variety of teething objects...

And what do you know, she already has experience in dealing with pesky little boys... like former hubby Sean Penn!

Watch now as the Band forms a cone-shaped bra in honor of Madonna and plays "The Stripper"...

Ah yes, Homecoming... the time when many loyal and generous Dartmouth alums return home to their Alma Mater. For those of you who haven’t been back to campus in a while, we would like to point out some of the changes that have taken place over the years...

Take, for example, the old hospital... it was blown away this year to make way for a brand spanking new parking lot! Woo hoo! Funding for this project was rumored to be provided by the Will to Ex*plode* Campaign...

Let's see... what else is changing around here? Well, the leaves change! Every year in fact, and around this time, no less!

And do you see those young women over there? They go here now.

And while it is still common to hear alumni singing with vigor, some of the traditional songs’ lyrics have been deemed politically incorrect. But the tunes are still good, so watch now as the Band forms a bowl, fills it up, and plays Eleazer Wheelock. Alumni, feel free to sing along!

We all know that Yale is probably sick of hearing jokes about New Haven... but face it, why would anyone in their right mind want to go to school there?!? Let's take those iron bars on the gates, windows and doors, for example. What are they really there for? To keep unruly New Haven residents, vandals and thieves off the Yale campus... or to keep Yale students from escaping?!? After all, the best part about going to Yale is knowing that you eventually get to leave! If you're really lucky, you could get kicked out, which would make trying to escape that much easier! In an effort to make everyone's lives just a bit easier, the DCMB presents the Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of Yale...

#10 - Take the bulldog out to get "fixed"

#9 - Send cries of "Blasphemy" among the Yale faithful by singing the words to the sacred "Yale Boola" backwards...

#8 - Mock your professors for not being able to find better jobs

#7 - In class, shout out your answers as if you were a contestant on MTV's "Singled Out"

#6 - Flush the Yale Bowl

#5 - Insist that Yale was your first choice... you'll promptly be removed on charges of insanity

#4 - Streak the Yale campus in protest of Playboy Magazine (Wait a minute, wasn't it just a few months ago I saw... uh, let's move on...)

#3 - Bite into a sandwich at the dining hall and shout, "Oooh... I taste bulldog!"

#2 - When your major advisor asks about prerequisites, tell him, "Oh yeah? I got your prerequisites right here!"... then show him

and the number one thing that will get you kicked out of Yale...

Kidnap the Bulldog mascot for (cough) "recreational purposes"!

Watch now as the Band forms an exploding bulldog and plays "Jeremiah Was a Bulldog"

The DCMB would like to thank you all for attending today's Homecoming Game! Enjoy the second half, everybody! Come see us at Hahhhvad in two weeks, and then back here at Memorial Field the following week for our final home game of the season vs. those pussycats of Columbia University.