PREGAME

Greetings football, fans. The DCMB would like to welcome you all to another Big Green Football season. We would also like to welcome the visiting marching band from Cornell, where according to the school's motto, "any person can find instruction in any study." Cornell University prides itself on living up to this standard, which is why students there can study Motel Management, where they learn the financial meaning of "Big Red," Wine research: "I wish I'd gone to Dartmouth," and Geography: "Getting out of Ithaca." Recently, Cornell introduced a triple major program called "S is for Success: Sega, Sleeping, and Sportscenter." We'd like to salute Team Nothing and all its Cornell members by playing their school song.

The DCMB would now like to ask for a moment of silence for Sarah Devens, '96. The college mourns her loss.

Please rise as student conductor Dave "the truth" Mattingly leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and remain standing as DCMB faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the national anthem.

HALFTIME

And now... the only band in the Ivy League that threw the "granite of New Hampshire" through "Windows '95," the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB would like to welcome you all to today's game, especially our newest fans, the members of the class of '99! By now you probably know that the class of '99 is the first class at Dartmouth that has more women than men. But did you also know the following fascinating statistics about the '99's? 50% of you entered your entire first name as a Blitzmail nickname. 20% of you think "RAM disk" is an installation procedure. 95% of you eat dinner at 6:00. The other 5% eat at 6:03. Only 2% of you think Chicken Cordon Bleu is worth $6.25, and all 100% of you could have gone to Cornell, but you wanted a real education. Watch now as the band forms [first formation] and plays [first song].

Speaking of freshman, the incoming class must not only learn how to use Blitzmail, they must also learn the new DarTalk voicemail system. To help them, and to make it clear for all the upperclassmen as well, the DCMB would like to offer the following public service demonstration:

Hello, and welcome to DarTalk voicemail. If you would like to enter your mailbox, press 1. If you would like to enter someone else's mailbox, press 2. If you can't hear this message, press 3. For caller ID, press 4. For fake ID, press 5. For additional crosstalk, press 6. For less crosstalk, please hang up, and transfer. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please get a clue. If you are clueless, press 99. And for a free trip to Hawaii, press 5-0!

Watch now as the band forms [second formation] and plays [second song].

If you've looked around campus recently, you've probably noticed a large pile of rubble where the Old Hospital used to be. Some of you may have been present when the hospital was imploded, others of you have perhaps seen its destruction on video tape. But for those of you who were not at the great event, we'd like to let you in on the Top Ten things overheard at the hospital demolition:

10) Wait, this isn't Bradley!

9) This brings all new meaning to the phrase "getting bombed."

8) Ok, so part of this building is going to land in front of the Hop in a couple weeks?

7) Run, 'shmen, run!

4) Since it's imploding, will it go "moob"?

3) Wile E. Coyote, what are you doing here?

2) Wait, our slush fund is in there!

And the number one thing overheard at the hospital demolition:

1) Never mind, we found it!

Watch now as the band forms [third formation] and plays [third song].

The DCMB would like to thank you for coming to today's game. We'll see you next week when the Big Green takes on LaFayette.