PREGAME

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that Demosthenes and Thucydides are Greek for "Beavis and Butthead" … the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Well, once again the DCMB has made the annual trip to New York City and once again we are discovering that the place has been completely overrun by arrogant, ultra-serious lunatics with lousy haircuts and silly outfits… is it the UN's 50th anniversary or did we witness a rehearsal of the Columbia Marching Band? We'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to the Cleverest Band in the World… but they're not here. So instead, please rise as student conductor Dave "Inside Joke" Mattingly leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

HALFTIME

And Now… the Cleverest Band in the World of Reality… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

This week Canada narrowly avoided the secession of Quebec in a very close referendum vote. The DCMB is pleased that Quebec decided to remain part of Canada since that cut down on the paperwork when Canada decides to join the United States. But seriously… who would have wanted to drink "Clearly Quebeckian" flavored water? And who would have gone to see a hockey team named the Montreal Quebeck-ians? Watch now as the band forms a [first formation] in honor of Canada staying together and plays "O Canada."

Since the DCMB is rather fond of Hawaii, we can't help comparing that great set of islands with the island of Manhattan. There are important differences. For example, in Hawaii people wear grass skirts. In New York, they smoke them. In Hawaii, Lai's are a sign of friendship and welcoming. In New York, they're deadly. In Hawaii, volcanoes randomly spew foul gas and hot air. In New York, the same is true of the Columbia Marching Band. And finally, in Hawaii our favorite show "Hawaii 5-0" was shot on location. In New York, pedestrians are shot on location. Watch now as the band forms [second formation] in honor of Gotham City and plays "Batman."

The DCMB was happy to discover that Columbia Marching Band has their own trademarked motto: The Cleverest Band in the World. Certainly a motto to be proud of. However, we couldn't help thinking that perhaps the phrase may be somewhat dated, and so we offer our Top Ten suggestions for a New Columbia Marching Band Motto:

10) The Cleverest Band in this Row

9) In our former lives we were musicians.

8) CUMB: The Cleverest Untalented Mob of Bozo's

7) Gee, Band is really smurfy!

6) The Mets’ Pets

5) Mayor Giuliani’s Biggest Fans

4) Gee, look at all the little black dots…

3) Instruments? We don't need no stinkin' instruments!

2) A Dearth of Smurfs

And the number one New Columbia Marching Band Motto is...

1) The Dirty Half-a-Dozen

Watch now as the band forms [third formation] and plays the Theme to the Magnificent Half-a-Dozen… plus one.