PREGAME

And Now... the only band in the Ivy League that knows it's not the size of the drum that matters, but how you beat it, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

No folks, that's not the Hanover High Band on the opposite side of the field. Hiding behind those ties is the Harvard Band. Nice gun you have there, guys, but you're not going to need it here in Hanover. You better put it away before you make the Safety and Security officers jealous. Why isn't the Harvard band funny? Because the students at MIT invented a giant humor sucking machine, and all the Harvard students were to busy studying to notice. If there's no humor there, then what do they do for fun? Mostly sit around and compare who has the most Harvard alums as relatives. You'll probably be hearing a lot of sheep jokes out of the Harvard band later on today. All that tuition money spent and they can't seem to grasp that there are probably more sheep floating in Boston harbor than anywhere near the Dartmouth campus. Watch now as the band salutes Hahvahd by playing their song, the 10,000 Men of Hahvahd who wish they'd gone to Yale.

Please rise as student conductor Dave Mattingly leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and remain standing as DCMB faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the national anthem.

HALFTIME

And Now... the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Hanover Police should be arrested for internal possession of doughnuts, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Phillip Hendler, Harvard '94, once said, "Nobody really likes Harvard, we just put up with it because it's famous." It's a Dartmouth tradition to paint the famous statue of John Harvard green on Head of the Charles weekend. Hey 'shmen, here are some ideas for turning the statue green when you go down to Boston next year: cover the statue with chia seeds, or paint it yellow and wait for the Yale students to show up with blue paint. The best way to turn the John Harvard statue green is to give it a beer. After all, that's about all it takes to turn your average Harvard student green. Of course, if you do give it a beer, watch out that the Hanover police don't arrest the statue for internal possession. Watch now as the band forms two doughnuts in honor of the Hanover Po' and plays Miller Time.

Out of the Strange But True file, it seems that first year Harvard Law students are being required to read "Juice: The O.J. Simpson story." We did a little digging and we found the top ten other books that Harvard students are required to read.

10) Audubon field guide to pocket protectors

9) Ethel the aardvark goes quantity surveying

8) How to get a date at MIT.

7) Women who hate Harvard men and the Dartmouth men they go out with.

6) Nasal spelunking for fun and profit

5) The National Enquirer.

4) We regret to inform you that #4 never learned to read and is currently using "Hooked on Phonics".

3) How to have no friends and alienate people

2) The graphic novel version of Dan Quayle's "Standing Firm"

1) A course guide listing the best TA's at Harvard and the classes they teach.

Watch now as the band forms a Harvard mutant stickman, and plays the theme from the magnificent seven, because there are only seven good schools in the Ivies.

Yes it's that time of the year again, Halloween! What are the latest ghoulish fashions in Cambridge? Obviously those Harvard students too cheap to buy a costume are going as nerds. The Harvard Band was seen trying on Green blazers to masquerade as a band with talent. Most enterprising Harvard students are dressing up as grad students so they can actually have real professors teach their classes. Watch now as the band forms your brain on Harvard and plays the Looney Toon's theme.

The DCMB thanks you for coming to today's game, we're sorry that we couldn't be out here longer, but our time was cut to make way for the Chevrolet paid-promotion you are about to see. Watch now as the Heartbeat of America suffers a heart attack, because here comes today's Chevrolet.

*UNREVISED*

PREGAME

And Now... the only band in the Ivy League that knows it's not the size of the drum that matters, but how you beat it, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

No folks, that's not the Hanover High Band on the opposite side of the field. Hiding behind those ties is the Harvard Band. Nice gun you have there, guys, but you're not going to need it here in Hanover. Put it away before you make the Safety and Security officers jealous. They might give you a breathalyzer test and arrest you for internal possession. Why isn't the Harvard Band funny? Because the students at MIT invented a giant humor sucking machine, and all the Harvard students were too busy studying to notice. If there's no humor there, then what do they do for fun? Mostly sit around and compare who has the most Harvard alums as relatives. You'll probably be hearing a lot of sheep jokes out of the Harvard band later on today. All that money spent and they can't seem to grasp that there are probably more sheep floating in Boston harbor than anywhere near the Dartmouth campus. Watch now as the band salutes Hahvahd by playing their song, the 10,000 Men of Hahvahd who wish they'd gone to Yale.

Please rise as student conductor Dave Mattingly leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and remain standing as DCMB faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the national anthem.

HALFTIME

And Now... the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Hanover Police should be arrested for internal possession of doughnuts, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Phillip Hendler, Harvard '94, once said, "Nobody really likes Harvard, we just put up with it because it's famous." Let's face it folks, the only people with real lives in Boston go to MIT. That's why MIT is always playing all of those pranks on Harvard. Dartmouth students have been known to play a few tricks themselves though, such as painting the statue of John Harvard green on Head of the Charles weekend. Hey 'shmen, here are some ideas for turning the statue green when you go down to Boston next year: cover the statue with chia seeds, or paint it yellow and wait for the Yale students to show up with blue paint, or throw it in the Charles river and wait for it to turn green. But the best way to turn the John Harvard statue green is to give it a beer. After all that's about all it takes to turn your average Harvard student green. Of course, if you do give it a beer, watch out that the Hanover police don't arrest the statue for internal possession. Watch now as the band forms two doughnuts in honor of the Hanover Po' and plays Miller Time.

Out of the Strange But True file, it seems that first year Harvard Law students are being required to read "Juice: The O.J. Simpson story." Maybe they should read a few Hanover police reports for their class on entrapment! We did a little digging and we found the top ten other books that Harvard students are required to read.

10) Audubon field guide to pocket protectors

9) Ethel the aardvark goes quantity surveying

8) How to pick up men at MIT.

7) Women who hate Harvard men and the Dartmouth men they go out with.

6) Nasal spelunking for fun and profit

5) The Weekly World News.

4) We regret to inform you that #4 never learned to read and is currently using "Hooked on Phonics".

3) How to have no friends and alienate people

2) The graphic novel of Dan Quayle's "Standing Firm"

1) A course guide listing the best TA's at Harvard and the classes they teach.

Watch now as the band forms a mutant Harvard stickman, or a Harvard Professor, depending on how you look at it, and plays ???

Yes it's that time of the year again, Halloween! What are the latest ghoulish fashions in Cambridge? Some Harvard students are dressing up as MIT students, so they can get a date. Others are trying on lifelike masks of Ted Kennedy. The Harvard Band was seen trying on Green blazers to masquerade as a band with talent, while those Harvard students too cheap to buy a costume are going as nerds. Most enterprising Harvard students are dressing up as grad students so they can actually have real professors teach their classes. Watch now as the band forms Your Brain on Harvard and plays the theme from the Muppet Show.

The DCMB thanks you for coming to today's game, we're sorry that we couldn't be out here longer, but our time was cut to make way for the Chevrolet paid-promotion you are about to see. If you're lucky enough to win one of their cars, it might even run well. At least you won't have to pay sales tax in New Hampshire! Watch now as the Heartbeat of America suffers a heart attack, because here comes today's Chevrolet.