PREGAME

A Columbia student is credited with calling Dartmouth students "anti-intellectual." We asked a few Columbia students what they do for fun on weekends and they replied: "Well, we mostly pile into a cab, go downtown to bars, and get drunk." Well Columbia, all we have to say to that is: we save cab fare. In other Columbia news, it seems the debt-plagued university recently sold off their student center! They're also reported to be selling off their home stands because last year in New York, the Dartmouth Band outnumbered the Columbia fans. They also tried to sell off their quote-un-quote "band," but no one had exact change for a penny. They were lucky enough to sell off their mascot to Disney for the upcoming sequel "Lion King II: Simba Goes to 42nd St." Finally, the Columbia Lion will soon be replaced by the more appropriate light-blue Columbia Smurf. We'd now like to play the new Columbia fight song, Roar Smurf Roar.

Please rise as student conductor Dave Mattingly leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and remain standing as DCMB faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the national anthem.

HALFTIME

Since this is our last home game of the year, we decided to come up with the most tasteless Top 10 list we could find. Thus, we now present the top ten things overheard in Thayer dining hall, and/or the morgue.

10) I'll have the special!

9) Hey, hand me a spork.

8) Do you really need that many napkins?

7) Just looking at that makes me lose my appetite.

6) Do you want regular or extra-crispy?

5) Please push your tray all the way in.

2) I'd like a Harold burger please.

1) Look! Another Columbia student: What a waste of human life!

At Dartmouth, students run to stay fit. At Columbia, they run to stay alive. We were taking an early morning jog down what used to be Elm street, and we noticed a big steaming hole in front of Gerry Hall. Is this some kind of sick psych department experiment to make us think we're in Yellowstone park? Maybe it's coming from Dragon senior society's huge underground mud-wrestling arena. Did somone forget to put the seat down? We asked some Columbia students to explain it, but they just said it reminded them of home. We tried to go down the hole to investigate, but were stopped because some Hanover Police officers wanted to arrest the hole for internal possession. Watch now as the band forms the Shower Tower disappearing into a steaming hole and plays Down Under.

As this is the last home game of the season, and we'd now like to read the DCMB credits: Special thanks to Max Culpepper, our faculty director, for all the support and advice he's given us this year. We'd also like to thank our censor, Dick Jaeger for not cutting too much stuff this year. A financial thanks [money] goes to the Dartmouth [money] Co-Op for the [money] support and the brand new [money] Dartmouth flag. More thanks to the Hanover Police for humor material and for not arresting any of us. But the biggest thanks of all goes to the DCMB seniors, those wonderful, amazing, charming, scintillating, possibly employed, potentially having lives next year, and all around swell folks, the Class of 1995. We really appreciate all you guys have done for us in the past four years, so we would now like to salute the following:

Amy Barto - general manager

Jon Belk

Laura Broughton

Will Dorris

Jason Duty

Jen Jeitles - secretary

Pete Jolicoeur - president and class of '95 rep

Rahul Mathur - lounge chair

Scott Meacham

Alison Moll - social chair

Alex Nikas - show chair

Kim Schmitt

Matt Siano - announcer

Sara Wasserbauer

and last but not least,

Sam Wilkinson

We'd now like to salute the class of '95 by playing pomp and circumstance, DCMB style!

The DCMB thanks you for coming to our shows all season. We'll see you again in the following weeks at Brown and Princeton, and we'll be back at memorial field once again next fall. See you then!