PREGAME

And Now... the only band in the Ivy League that may or may not be wearing underwear, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

In the interest of avoiding a Crisis in New Hampshire, so that CNN doesn’t have to make a new logo, the band would first like to serenade the opposing stands with our favorite UNH song.

This week hundreds of human population geneticists flocked to Durham, New Hampshire, home of UNH. Now in the interest of starting a crisis in New Hampshire, the DCMB wonders what exactly does UNH stand for anyway? We came up with several exciting alternatives, such as Unnecessarily Neanderthalic Humans, Utterly No Hope, Unrelated? Not Here!, and finally, Uniquely New Hawaii! Watch now as the band forms a palm tree, complete with coconuts, and plays Hawaii 5-0!!!

Please rise as student conductor Ross Nova leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and remain standing as DCMB faculty director Max Culpepper conducts the national anthem.

HALFTIME

And now... the only band in the Ivy League that really, really, really loves milk, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB would like to welcome the UNH wildcats to Dartmouth. We’re wondering what it’s like to have a wildcat as a mascot. Our own mascot is relatively low maintenance, but a wildcat on the other hand probably has many problems associated with it. For one thing, the litter box would be huge, and who would want to clean it? Also, the hairballs would be bigger than the football players! Playful nipping would often result in amputation, and look out cheerleaders when it wants to mark its territory! Then there’s the problem of opposing bands stealing the big ball of yarn, and of course a nearsighted wildcat might mistake the UNH football players for small furry rodents. Watch now as the band forms a big litter box and plays the Pink Wildcat.

Turning to Hanover news, Campions has moved and now sells only women’s clothes. What store will fill the vacancy left by the old Campions? We don’t know, but here are the top 10 rejected store ideas:

10) Ludwig’s Discount Plutonium Shop

9) Everything for a thousand dollars

8) Hanover Police Municipal Donut Shop

7) Peter Atheist’s

6) Jimmy’s Adults-only Store

5) Fun Spot Skee Ball Palace

And the number one rejected store to fill the space left by Campions,

1) Nothing But Anchovies

Watch now as the band changes subjects completely, and forms a luncheon special from the Hop, “Hey Guy, it’s the lunch special at the Hop! Code 2? I love code 2!” and plays the theme to the Magnificent Seven.

That’s right folks! At UNH we’ll educate anyone, while-u-wait for only $99.95. Sally Struthers says “At UNH you can major in Corn Growth, snowmobile repair, or even get your High School degree.” While at UNH, don’t miss the fabulous courses such as Foreign Cultures: Going to Massachusetts, Marine Biology: learn every inch of the 18 miles of coast, Psychology: the Oedipal Complex and you, and finally a college course entitled Crossroads: tracing your family tree. Watch now as the band forms Sally Struthers and plays Star Trek, the Inbred Generation.

The DCMB thanks you for coming to today’s game, and we wish the football team luck next week as we follow them down to Yale and Jello!