PRE-GAME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks "The D" is just the grade you get on a bad paper with lots of errors… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Last week, during a home game at Yale, the Yale Band drum major and a former drum major were married on the fifty-yard line during half-time. The event was covered in the New York Times, calling Yale "The Edsel of Marching Bands at the Mercedes of Universities." We sympathize with the Yale Band, and feel this remark was unwarranted; after all, Yale is more like the Yugo of Universities. We do hope the marriage works out, but rumor has it that there was an illegal procedure before the wedding. Officials are now reviewing the tapes, and it seems that the bride and the best man were caught off-sides late in the first quarter. The expected ruling is an annulment and loss of down. We'll keep you posted as the groom tries for the extra point; meanwhile, watch now as the DCMB forms the proverbial wedding march down the aisle, and plays [].

Please rise as student conductor Ross Nova leads the band in the playing of the Alma Mater.

Please remain standing as Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts our National Anthem.

HALF-TIME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League who thought that the big fire on the Green last night was the burning Pizzagalli construction crane… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

We would like to welcome back all the alumni in the stands today, and we ask you to give a warm welcome to the Marching Band alumni now joining us on the field.

Speaking of alumni, Dartmouth's newest alums, the Class of 1992, has had a tough time finding jobs, in spite of President Bush’s assurances that the economy is in great shape. Of course, George himself may end up in the same position come November. It is in this spirit that the DCMB presents the Top Ten Jobs Available to the Class of 1992 and/or Mr. Bush:

10. Pizzagalli construction worker

9. Political advisor to Ross Perot

8. EBA’s delivery-person

7. Script writer for Murphy Brown

6. Speed bump

5. Department store Santa

4. Dan Quayle

3. Manager at New Haven McDonald’s, overseeing recent Yale graduates

2. Hanover Po’ driver’s ed instructor

And, the number one job for 92’s or George Bush,

1. Crash test dummy

Watch now as the band forms Al, the crash test dummy, and plays his theme song, "You Can Call Me Al."

Late last week, the Tuck school’s newest building under construction caught fire – twice. We think it is ironic that the new building is to be christened "Byrne Hall." It makes us wonder what has been going on in other buildings on campus. Similar incidents were reported in Baker Library and Cook Auditorium, while for some reason, Safety and Security answered a call to the laundry room of French. In a related story, large groups of engineering students were seen flocking to Cummings Hall, but nothing came of it. Watch now as the band forms a vibrating dryer in French Hall, and plays "Sit on My Pants."

Yale has also been having trouble with their buildings lately. They’ve put off maintenance for so long that many buildings are in danger of collapsing. We can’t really blame the Yale administration for letting their decrepit tenements run down. After all, surrounded by all the other slums of New Haven, a little deterioration is easy to overlook. There was talk of cutting academic programs to save the buildings, but since their academics are in bad enough shape already, they chose instead to cut the budget in a less sensitive area. Administrators announced that Yale will now use a cheaper toilet paper. Coincidentally, the Daily D recently announced that they have stepped up their circulation by nearly 100%. No one is sure where all the extra copies are going, but the DCMB overheard a Yale student comment, "I don’t mind all the errors in the D. And it’s softer, too." Watch now as the DCMB forms a roll of toilet paper, and plays [].

Thank you for joining us for Dartmouth Homecoming 1992. We hope to see you at Harvard in two weeks, and we wish the team good luck in next week’s game at Cornell. Enjoy the second half, and have a nice day.