PREGAME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League who thinks that the favorite food of New Jersey motorists is Nestle’s Toll Booth Cookies, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

As we were whizzing down the New Jersey Turnpike on our way to the stadium, we had to stop at a number of service stations. We noticed that, for some reason, all the stations were named for famous figures. We don’t know why New Jersey found it necessary to name their pumps, but we were often amazed at how well the character of the stations matched their namesakes. For instance:

At the Roseanne Barr service station, once you start the pumps, you can’t shut them off.

The Admiral Stockdale service station was perpetually in gridlock.

The Pee-Wee Herman station was self-service only.

The George Bush station was going out of business, while the pumps were busiest at the Madonna station.

At the Princeton service station, the gas was really expensive, but didn’t seem to get you very far. Watch now as the band forms the New Jersey Turnpike, complete with the Princeton exit ramp, and plays the Theme from Peter Gunn.

Please rise as student conductor Ross Nova leads the playing of the Dartmouth Alma Mater.

HALFTIME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that Eating Clubs are just fraternities that can’t read greek, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Last Sunday saw the first snowfall of the year in Hanover, and we were reminded that at Princeton, they celebrate the first snowfall of the year with the Naked Olympics. Rumor has it that ESPN has bid to cover the Olympiad this year, but only on the condition that they hold more events than the standard 200 meters around the Quad. Here are our suggested Top Ten Events in the Princeton Naked Olympics:

10. Pole vault

9. Competitive Frostbite

8. 4x400 Baton Relay

7. Pommel horse

6. Ice-fishing with live bait

5. Jousting

4. Dan Quayle

3. Biathalon- ski five kilometers, then hit a target at 5 meters

2. Freeze Tag

And the number one event in the Naked Olympics,

(1.) The three-legged race!

Watch now as the band forms a naked Olympic torch, and reminds all those athletes competing this year: for all you do, This Bud’s For You.

Dartmouth College is always getting its reputation tarnished by the wacky antics of the Dartmouth Review. We’ve been wondering if Princeton University has the same trouble with the Princeton Review. There are some similarities. After all, neither one will help you score. But when you come right down to it, the two Reviews are very different.

The Princeton Review uses sneaky ways to get around multiple choice questions. The Dartmouth Review uses sneaky ways to get around the truth.

The Princeton Review ignites your hopes for high performance on the SAT. The Dartmouth review is great for igniting fires on those cold winter nights.

The Princeton Review is supported by high fees. The Dartmouth Review is supported by low morals.

The Princeton Review is to SAT scores as studying is to grades. The Dartmouth Review is to journalistic integrity as a fish is to a bicycle.

Of course, the Dartmouth Review often makes fun of Dartmouth’s newspaper, the Daily D. We wonder if the Princeton Review also makes fun of the Princetonian – or is it the daily P? Watch now as the band addresses this question by forming a fish without a bicycle, while playing the theme song of those wacky ‘toons at the Dartmouth Review.

Thanksgiving is approaching, and soon families all over the country will be getting ready for the big traditional meal. [switch to commercial mode] But who has time to labor over a hot stove for hours? Save time and money this year with a New Jersey Turkey, born and bred near the country’s greatest radioactive waste sites. It’s self basting… and self-cooking. No more wondering if your turkey is done with those inaccurate pop-out gauges – just check with the included easy-to-read Geiger counter. And with a New Jersey turkey, there’s finally enough drumsticks for every kid in the family – and then some. A half life of 500 years insures plenty of left-overs. Yes, with a New Jersey Turkey the holiday meal will have that special glow that will stay in your hearts and thyroids forever. Watch now as the band forms a mutant New Jersey turkey, and plays that holiday classic, Gimme Some Stuffin’!

Thank you for coming to this exciting season of Big Green football. [ad lib something]

*PRINCETON SHOW BY Alex Nikas*

Princeton Test Show

Fall '92

PRE GAME

AND NOW, the only band in the Ivy League that lost five years off its life driving through New Jersey, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB would like to welcome all Dartmouth students and alumni to scenic Princeton, NJ 90210 – we hope you had a nice drive here. On our trip down we stopped for gas on the New Jersey turnpike. As we were getting a Tiger put in our tank by a recent Princeton graduate, we noticed that the service station was named for Vince Lombardi. In fact, all the service stations on the New Jersey Turnpike are named for famous people. Here are just a few names and slogans that we saw:

The Pee Wee Herman Service Station – self service only

George Bush – going out of business

Madonna – please pay before pumping

Dan Quayle – this space intentionally left blank

Ross Perot – We'll take a look under your hood and figure out what's wrong!

The Princeton Marching Band – free uniforms with every fill up!

[Suggested formation: gas pump]

HALF TIME

AND NOW, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that Princeton's newspaper should be called the Daily P, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

As any good 60 Minutes viewer knows, we have a certain newspaper at Dartmouth known as the Dartmouth Review. Here at Princeton they have the Princeton Review - a service to help future Princeton students actually break 400 on their SATs. We've noticed a few comparisons between the two Reviews:

Neither one will help you score.

The Princeton Review is run by those fascists at ETS. The Dartmouth Review is sponsored by William F. Buckley.

The Princeton Review might raise your verbal score. The Dartmouth Review will make you wish you didn't understand English.

If you don't use the Princeton Review, you might get burned on the SATs. At Dartmouth, we just burn the Review.

The Princeton Review charges exorbitant amounts of money to fill your head with useless knowledge. The Dartmouth Review does that for free!

Last spring the Dartmouth Review was spoofed by the Harvard Lampoon. Princeton is a spoof of Harvard.

[No suggested formation for this one]

Even though Princeton hasn't taken down its Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving is next week. We at the DCMB would like to wish all of you native New Jerseyans a happy Thanksgiving. We were wondering about what makes a New Jersey Thanksgiving special, and we came to the conclusion that it was the delicious turkey from New Jersey fresh farms – former site of the New Jersey fresh nuclear waste dump. We now present the Top Ten Best things about the New Jersey Turkey:

10) Self cooking – no more bothersome pop out timers

9) A drumstick for every child in the family!

8) Has a half life of 13,000 years

7) No cleanup – it just disintegrates

6) Radioactive pilgrims are great subjects for Japanese monster movies

5) You can get an allover tan – and we mean all over

4) Dan Quayle – what a turkey

3) You don't need an oven light – it glows in the dark

2) It's the meal that stays with you – forever.

1) Tastes great with barium sauce!

[suggested formation: a drumstick]

Princeton University has the distinctive self-aggrandizing characteristic of being the only Ivy League University that offers a course for credit on its own history. We at the DCMB have done a little research and would like to present our own unofficial History of Princeton.

1745, first hairspray covered New Jerseyans discover Princeton in their low-riding cars with light-up license plates.

1746, Princeton founded as the College of New Jersey, courses offered include hazardous waste management 24, and Geography 19, highway exit navigation.

1923, President Woodrow Wilson admitted to insane asylum.

1930, Princeton's Woodrow Wilson school founded.

1956, Princeton joins Ivy League as a result of a typo on its selective service form.

1974, Princeton adopts Exxon as its mascot.

1992, Dartmouth football team defeats Princeton to become Ivy League champs for the third year in a row!