And now, the only band in the Ivy League who thinks that a coat of arms is Jeffrey Dahmer’s idea of fashion, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Yes, it’s Halloween, that spooky time of year when all kinds of characters can be seen dressing up in strange clothing and strolling around in Harvard Square. No, wait, that’s every day of the year. Well anyway, the DCMB attended a celebrity costume ball in Boston last night, and we got a glimpse at how some famous figures were masquerading this year. Sinead O’ Connor came to the party as Mr. Clean, while Madonna was dressed up as The Coneheads. Ross Perot, wearing a minimal costume, was Dumbo, while Dan Quayle was disguised as Mr. Potatoe Head. David Duke came dressed as a ghost, commenting, "Why not, I already had the costume." Of course, the DCMB must acknowledge the best costume we’ve seen yet this year: the Harvard football team, who are masquerading as – a real football team. Boy, those Harvard students sure know how to party. Watch now as the DCMB forms two candy corns in honor of Halloween, and plays a song representing Harvard’s chances of ever having a winning football team, Mission Impossible!

[Band forms a pair of... corns, and plays Mission Impossible]

Please rise as student conductor Ross "Insert Nickname Here" Nova leads the band in the playing of the Alma Mater.

And now, the only band in the Ivy League who thinks that Admiral Stockdale is the horse that won the Kentucky Derby, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The world was shocked last week with the release of pop star Madonna’s new book, ambiguously entitled, "Sex." The book is bound in a welded steel cover, apparently to protect all the copies that will be burned in weeks to come. The new edition is sure to become a collector’s item, as Madonna reportedly wore each piece of steel herself before it went to press. However, reactions to the book were mixed. Here are some people’s comments.

A Madonna Fan: "I am so totally bummed out. I mean, I thought she was, like, a virgin!"

George Bush: "I’m shocked! So was Barbara. We’ve read it four times so far, and it just gets more and more disgusting each time."

Pee-Wee Herman: "I’m waiting for the movie version to come out."

Harvard student: "I don’t know, it had a lot of big words... and I didn’t really understand the pictures either."

Rumor has it that Harvard is incorporating the book into its core curriculum, while Harvard professors plan translations of the book into Latin and Braille. Watch now as the band forms the title of the book, and plays a song from Madonna’s latest album, "Sit on My Book."

[Band forms "Sex," plays SOMF]

Well, election night is only 3 days away, and it seems that in these last few moments our candidates will say pretty much anything to get elected. For those of you having trouble making that last-minute decision, here is a brief DCMB guide to 1992 election-speak:

When George Bush says "the economy is still alive and kicking," what he means is, Barbara is still alive and kicking.

When Ross Perot says, "I’m all ears," what he means is, he is.

When Dan Quayle says, "What a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or to not have one," what he means is: "Duuhhhhhh."

Watch now as the band forms a ballot checking ‘none of the above,’ and plays a salute to the presidential candidates.

[Band forms check-box, plays Looney Tunes]

Recently Harvard U. was declared the #1 school in student satisfaction by U.S. News and World Report. Having been Number 1 in this category for several years, we at Dartmouth couldn’t help but wonder how Harvard managed to pull it off. Here are the Top Ten Factors in making Harvard number one in student satisfaction:

10. Its scenic and isolated location

9. The John Harvard kissing booth

8. Dartmouth President James O. Freedman no longer vying for Harvard presidency [Original, censored-by-Max joke]

8. Finally desensitized to the fact that they have a losing football team [replacement joke]

7. Free soup or salad with every early application

6. Cambridge murder rate reduced to only 1 in 5

5. Promotional Offer: Pronounce the letter "R" correctly and receive 10% off tuition

4. Dan Quayle

3. Stopped pumping drinking water in from Charles River

2. New Slushee machine in university cafeteria

And the number one reason for Harvard student satisfaction,

(1.) Harvard-neugen!

Yes, it’s the spirit of cheap imported cars, living on here in Cambridge. Watch now as the band forms Harvard-neugen, and plays Smells Like Harvard Spirit.

[Band forms Fahrvergneugen, plays Smells Like Teen Spirit]

We’d like to thank all the members of the Dartmouth community for coming down to Cambridge for this week’s victory, as well as all of our Boston alumni. Please join us next week at home when Dartmouth extends Columbia’s latest losing streak. And now, you folks might want to start heading back home, because here comes the Harvard University Marching Bland.