Historical note: This show was originally organized in standard form – 1
pregame segment and 3 halftime segments. The Brown Band, violating the Geneva
convention of Ivy League bands, told us that they were taking up the entire
pre-game time block with some stupid senior tribute, and that we didn’t have
time for a pregame show. We therefore combined pregame into halftime, creating
the longest halftime show in history. They were not pleased.
PREGAME (OR SOMETHING)
Please rise as student conductor Ross Nova leads the band in the playing of
the Alma Mater.
HALFTIME
And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that the size of your
state really does make a difference, The Dartmouth College Marching Band!
Welcome to the DCMB’s Fifth Annual Tribute to Hawaii! This week, the band
tries to forget about the fact that we are stuck in Providence, Rhode Island,
and tries to create the illusion that we are in the sunny Aloha State. Imagine
you are sitting in the sun on a hammock, instead of freezing your tail on a cold
stadium bench. Imagine you are holding a cool, refreshing tropical drink,
instead of a flat coke. Imagine that the Brown band is wearing floral print,
instead of Arby’s uniforms. Imagine you are watching bronzed hula dancers
swaying gracefully, instead of Brown football players getting pummeled by the
Big Green. Watch now as the DCMB completes the illusion by forming a palm tree,
and playing that soothing tropical dance melody, the HAWAII 5-O waltz!
You know, all this talk about Hawaii reminds us of how far Providence is from
this tropical paradise, both in miles and in comparison. For instance:
– Hawaii is a vacation paradise. Providence is a druglord’s paradise.
– In Hawaii, they have many exotic birds. In Providence, they flip you the
bird.
– In Hawaii, they have lava floes. In Providence, they have asphalt.
– In Hawaii, they wear grass skirts. In Providence, they smoke them.
– In Hawaii, Magnum P.I. is shot on location. In Providence, innocent
bystanders are shot on location.
– Hawaii is an island, but we wish it was part of the mainland. Rhode Island
is part of the mainland, but we wish it really was an island. Watch now as the
band forms R.I. detaching from the mainland and being pounded by the surf, while
playing (hahahahahahaha) Wipeout!
The DCMB recently returned from a fabulous 2-day 4-night Hawaian vacation. We
wanted to bring back some mementos of our trip, but we blew all our money on
tours of the Hawaii 5-O set. Fortunately, there was enough great stuff just
lying around the islands that we were able to throw some things together. So
here are the top ten do-it-yourself souvenirs from Hawaii:
10. Pineapple ashtray
9. Jellyfish and macadamia collage
8. Coconut Bikini
7. Remains of Ferdinand Marcos
6. Bag o’ Sand
5. Home Poi kit
4. Dan-O Quayle
3. Lei’s
2. Crabs
And the number one do-it-yourself souvenir from Hawaii,
(1.) Lava Lamp
Watch now as the DCMB forms a lava lamp and plays the Hawaiian state song,
Aloha Oy!
The state of Hawaii has had a colorful history, from the day that it was
first discovered by the Polynesians to the day that the very first episode of
Hawaii 5-O was filmed. Rhode Island has also had an interesting history, but
many may not be aware of all the details. The DCMB has compiled a brief list of
important dates in Rhode Island history:
1628: Massachusetts colonists begin dumping their garbage near Narragansett
bay.
1636: Roger Williams, dissatisfied sanitation worker, establishes
Providence-on-the-landfill.
1788: Rhode Island offered to England as consolation prize for Revolutionary
war
1789: England trades Rhode Island to France for a case of champagne.
1803: France tags Rhode Island onto Louisiana Purchase.
1804: The United States tries to return Rhode Island, but lost the receipt.
1806-1927 Rhode Island forgotten and left off maps until US Geological survey
employee gets lost between Boston and New York
1954: Pledges from Dartmouth fratenity Eta Pi steal Rhode Island and display
it on the Green during Winter Carnival
1969: Rhode Island declared a National Park...ing lot.
November 14, 1992: At the Fifth Annual Tribute to Hawaii, the Dartmouth
Football team defeats Brown, giving them a record of 5 and 0 at Hawaii games.
The band would like to celebrate this historical event by forming the Hawaiian
islands and playing Hawaii 5-0!
This show has been sponsored by the number 5 and the letter O. We hope to see
you next week as Dartmouth faces Princeton in the final game of the season.
*THE HAWAII SHOW BY Pete Jolicoeur and Alex Nikas*
PRE-GAME
AND NOW... The only band in the Ivy League that knows that while Clinton may
be President, Elvis is still the King! The Dartmouth College Marching Band!
We at the DCMB would like to welcome all Dartmouth students and alumni to
Rhode Island. We've been doing some research on this tiny state and we would
like to present the official uncensored DCMB history of RI.
In 1620, the Pilgrims sail right past the future site of RI in favor of the
slightly larger Plymouth Rock.
In 1637, the Massachusetts Bay Colony begins dumping garbage into a small
southern cove.
1638, RI is founded.
1763, Providence installs first wastewater treatment facility.
1764, Brown University is founded.
In 1812 the Americans unsuccessfully try to return RI to the British, but
lost the receipt.
1943, Providence becomes training ground for JV Mafia.
Very little is known about the period following this date because RI was
accidentally misplaced.
1963 Scanning Electron Microscope invented. RI rediscovered.
[Suggested formation: Scanning EM]
HALF TIME
AND NOW the only band in the Ivy League that knows it's not the size of the
state that matters, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
The DCMB would like to welcome you to our fifth annual tribute to Hawaii!
Although we wish we were on the Hawaiian Islands right now, we figure that Rhode
Island is the closest we'll come. Actually, RI and Hawaii are not as different
as you might think. Here are a few comparisons between Hawaii and Rhode Island
that we've noticed:
The Hawaiian Islands are home to thousands of exotic species of plants and
animals. Providence is home to thousands of pigeons and seagulls.
Hawaii has luaus. RI has Denny's.
In Hawaii, Magnum PI is shot on location. In Rhode Island, Brown students are
shot on location.
You can't drive to Hawaii. You can only drive through RI.
And finally, Hawaiians are hard working Americans. Rhode Islanders are
bronzed, ukelele playing, mai-tai slurping beach bums.
[Suggested formation: Mai-Tai]
We're keeping our fingers crossed that we will soon be visiting Hawaii again,
but since plane fare is so expensive, we won't have much spending money. As a
public service to fellow impoverished visitors to the Aloha state, the DCMB
presents the Top Ten Do-it-yourself Hawaiian Souvenirs:
10) Lava grab bag
9) Official evil-icon as seen on Brady Bunch
8) Home Poi Kit
7) Very small rocks
6) Lava lamp
5) Homemade Lei kit - crabs included
4) Dan-O Quayle
3) Dried Pineapple Ring Toss Game
2) Official Don Ho combination cocktail umbrella and bubble blower
1) His and Hers matching coconut swimwear
[Suggested Formation: Coconut Bra]
Although it's no Hawaii, all in all RI is a pretty nice state. Hawaii is
often called America's Vacation Paradise, but most don't know about RI's
benefits. In hopes of boosting RI tourism, here are a few suggestions for
advertising slogans:
"Rhode Island, two zipcodes and growing!"
"Thank you for driving through us"
"Rhode Island, we dare you to find us!"
"America's first National Park…ing lot"
"RI, the Hawaii of New England"
"We're not just a speed bump anymore!"
"Why don't you pick on someone your own size!"
The DCMB thanks you for attending today's game. Today's show was sponsored by
the number 5 and the letter O.
