*pregame*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that is completely tax-free… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

The DCMB would like to welcome itself to New Haven and the lovely Yale cesspool. Sorry we got here so early, but nobody knows what time it is, because we all just got mugged and they took our watches. In Money Magazine's recent rating of the livability of American cities, New Haven was Number 284, presumably out of 200. That puts New Haven just ahead of Baghdad and Cleveland, and it puts Yale just behind UConn. Will New Haven ever clean up its act? That's impossible! Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbolic gas mask and plays Mission: Impossible!

*halftime*

and now...the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Yale Bowl should be flushed...the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

The DCMB is happy to be here in New Haven today, and the simple fact that Yale begins with a Y makes us ask some questions, like:

Why do Yalies pay more than $20,000 a year to be locked in a slum?

Why did Yale alum George Bush pick Dan Quayle?

Why is Yale alum George Bush keeping Dan Quayle for four more years?

Why are there so many gates at Yale? Are they keeping something in, or keeping something out?

And why did the DCMB come down to New Haven in the first place? Why? Because we like you! And we also like this, the unofficial Yale alma mater.

Yale was recently rated only the Number Two undergraduate institution in the U.S., after being Number One two years ago. The DCMB can't really laugh - after all, we're only Number Eight - but we do wonder why Yale's reign as #1 was so short. While we think about it, here is our famous imitation of the Yale Band playing the Yale Boola.

It's still going! Long after the Yale band has run out of steam, the Energizer bunny is still going strong! Well, now we know why Yale lost its #1 ranking – they didn't use the right batteries! Watch now as the DCMB forms a giant extra-strength battery and plays "Energizer 5-0"

New Supreme Court Appointee Clarence Thomas graduated from Yale Law School, but apparently he learned more than just law. Here now are the Top Ten Pick-Up Lines of Clarence Thomas:

10) You know, a girl like you could make a guy think twice about overturning Roe v. Wade

9) If you dress up as a senator, I'll let you interrogate me

8) Anita… what a nice name.

7) Come on back to my chambers and defend your position

6) Can I help you set up your stereo?

5) Hi, I'm a Kennedy

4) Why yes, I'd be happy to introduce you to Dan Quayle

3) Do you want to see my briefs?

2) Wanna come give me some affirmative action?

and 1) Yes, that is a gavel in my pocket, and I am happy to see you! Watch now as the DCMB forms a gavel and plays what Senator Joseph Biden only wishes were Clarence Thomas' theme song, The Stripper.

The DCMB thanks you for coming to todays game, and now we suggest you buy two hot dogs and stick them in your ears, because here comes the Yale University Marching Band!