*pregame*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Gore Vidal is a designer shampoo… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB welcomes all Dartmouth fans as well as all Rutgers University fans to today's game, and we wonder if the Rutgers - oops, we mean the Princeton Band uniforms are radioactive, or is their band just colorblind? So that's where all our old curtains and sofa covers from the '70s went to! But we love the Princeton Band because they get to have a fire extinguisher on the field! We hope they will stop by the athletic department after today's game and talk them into letting us spray foam all over the fifty yard line next year. For this year, watch as the DCMB forms a fire extinguisher Right Here, Right Now!

Please rise as student conductor Dave Kaiser and faculty director Max Culpepper lead the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and the Star-Spangled Banner.

*halftime*

and now...the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Class of '92 is going to graduate in ____ days... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

And now, the DCMB presents its Triple A Awards! American Automobile Association? No, Acronyms Across 'Anovah! Such as:

– the obvious: ORL: Office of Ruining your Life

– DDS: Dartmouth Dysentary Service

– COS: Cheating OK, Sometimes

– LSA: Let's Sound American!

– FSP: Foreigners Seem Pissed off...

– BS is obvious, MS is more of the same, and PhD is Piled Higher and Deeper

– IFC: Imbibe From Cans

– DTV: Damn Tedious Viewing! We'd also like to give DTV the Senator Joseph Biden Award for Originality. And we'd like to apologize to the sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta for waking them up early every Saturday morning, so we've formed their letters on the field and will now serenade them, and our friends at DTV, with an appropriate song.

Now that co-ed/fraternity/sorority rush has been moved back to fall, the DCMB wonders what we should call it… Classic Rush? Premature Rush? Fashionably Late Rush? Here are the Top Ten Things Overheard At Sorority Rush:

10) Oh, Laura Ashley! … ok, you're in.

9) So, what's your major?

8) Delta Delta Delta… how do you spell that?

7) Now let me get this straight: we always party somewhere else?

6) What was your major again?

5) No, I never go to Gamma Delt either

4) Oh my God, like, I'm so totally psyched for Dan Quayle's Commencement Speech!

3) So, what's your maj… wait, did I already ask you that?

2) I had a nice time talking to you, now I feel like I know you really well!

and 1) Is that ice in your water, or are you just happy to see me? It seems that last year, Xi Kappa Chi got a violation for serving water with ice at informal rush. Watch now as the DCMB forms a melting ice cube - maybe it's from Xi Kappa Chi, or maybe it's from 9 1/2 Weeks, but then again, what's the difference? - and plays Girls Just Want To Have Fun!

Well, another football season has just about ended, and it's time to pay tribute to the following DCMB seniors:

(list of seniors)

We'd also like to thank the following people:

Max Culpepper, our faculty director and bail supplier

The fine women and men of the Hanover Police Department

Dick Jaeger, our friend and so-called editor, for never censoring a single...

The football team, for being so damn good!

And of course, the '95s for being the best freshman class this year! The DCMB has formed a '95, but watch that number! Because as we play our last song of the year, the greatest class number of all will appear on the field.

(play Pomp & Circumstance; change to '92; play 5-0)

The DCMB thanks you for coming to today's game. We hope you've had as much fun this year as we have. Please join us at Dartmouth Men's and Women's Hockey and Basketball throughout the winter, and don't forget to come to the Dartmouth Wind Symphony concert this Tuesday night at the Hopkins Center, featuring American music including ragtime tunes, circus music, and soloists.