Dartmouth vs. Holy Cross, ?/91 (Home)

*halftime*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League whose chief weapon is surprise, surprise and dissonance. Our two chief weapons are surprise and dissonance and a fanatical devotion to Tara McBennett. Three. Our three chief weapons… no, no, amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as… oh damn. Start again, band.

And now… for something completely different, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!!

The DCMB would like to welcome you to today's halftime tribute to Monty Python, silly Holy Cross knnnniggits! We would empty our kegs in your general direction, if we had kegs! We know you're from Holy Cross, because you have those outrageous Massachusetts accents! Your mothers were nuns, your fathers smelt of Boston Harbor, and they both went to safety schools, just like you! Now go away or we shall taunt you a second time! Albatross! The DCMB would also like to remind you of the stadium rules. Rule One, no Holy Cross students. Rule Two, no upperclassman is to mistreat the freshmen in any way… IF there's anybody watching. Rule Three, no Holy Cross students. Rule Four, I don't want to catch anyone having sex without a condom unless a Holy Cross student is present. Rule Five, no Holy Cross students. Rule Six, there is NO rule six. Rule Seven, no Holy Cross students. Watch now as the DCMB says Ni to the Holy Cross band, and plays that Monty Python classic, Sit On My Ni, And Tell Me That You Love Me! (form Ni)

Hi, my name is Zoot, and I'm a freshman at Holy Cross. I was excited to come here, because I wanted to take classes like Underwater Rosary Beading, Coed Naked Penitence, and Aerobic Genuflecting. Plus, while most colleges have a communication department, Holy Cross has an Ex-communication department! And I've always loved playing Ring Around the Rosary. But when I arrived, I realized: Holy Cross is boring! I never wanted any of this. I always wanted to be… a Dartmouth student! (band begins to play Lumberjack intro) Kayaking down the mighty Connecticut River! Running from dorm to dorm in search of common source alcohol! The Choates! The River Cluster! Albatross! The mighty Parkhurst! With my UGA by my side, we'd sing… sing… sing! (band holds the intro, and cuts off) I'm a Dartmouth student, and I'm OK!! (having formed the letters OK, the band plays the Lumberjack Song)

Since Monty Python seems to have the quest for the Holy Grail under control, the DCMB has compiled the following list of the Top Ten Objects to Quest For Other Than the Holy Grail:

10) the Holy Common Source

9) Red Sox World Series Tickets

8) Judge Clarence Thomas' position on any issue

7) a viable Democratic candidate

6) Safety and Security - no, wait, they'll find us

5) Dean Pelton - no, wait, he'll find us

4) the Larch

3) Albatross!

2) the purpose of Questor

And the number one thing to quest for, a Holy Cross student who got accepted into Dartmouth! Watch now as the DCMB forms a Holy Hand Grenade, as the kazoo section performs John Cleese's famous Silly Walk, and plays the Gregorian Monks' Chant.

(do it!)

The DCMB would now like to reenact the final scene of The Holy Grail, as three Dartmouth people prepare to cross the bridge of peril. But first they must answer me these questions three!

– What is your name? "Joe Senior"

– What is your class? "Class of 1992"

– What is your favorite common source? "Kegs, but only if I'm alone in my room with my shade down and my door locked."

You may pass.

– What is your name? "Joe Freshman"

– What is your class? "Class of 1995"

– What is your favorite common source? "Kegs...no, cans and bottles - aaaaaaaa!" (band member dives off bridge to his or her death)

– What is your name? "James O. Freedman"

– What is your quest? "I seek the Holy Harvard University"

– What is the purpose of the new alcohol policy? "I don't know that! - aaaaaaa" (another bandie dies)

Don't worry about President Freedman - it's only a flesh wound. And now, it's...

(band plays the Liberty Bell March)

Run away! (band runs away)

The DCMB thanks you for attending today’s game, and we hope to see you in two weeks at Homecoming against Cornell. Enjoy the second half. Albatross!

You know, Dartmouth is the only college where the alcohol policy causes students to say, "Help! Help! I'm being repressed"

Memorial Sfavorite common source? "Kegs, but keep your door shut"

*pregame*

And now...the only band atin the Ivy League ....the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

(band runs out to 5-10-15)

(band goes back to end zone, and then back to 5-10-15).

And now, the Larch. The DCMB has formed a larch on the field. Number Four, the Larch. Kazoo section salutes John Cleese and his famous Silly Walk by silly-walking up the side of the Larch, to the tune of the Gregorian Monks Chant Some call me....Tim while you're drinkingEric AlibutBring out your kegs...*whack*...Bring out your kegs...*whack* The DCMB welcomes you to today's game, our first ever tribute to Monty Python's Flying Circus. The Holy Cross Band will not be seen. Holy Cross is here for a football game, and nothing else. They will not be posing for nun-of-the-month calendars, and their quarterback will not be throwing hail mary passes. Do you guys get it? They sure don't! Nudge nudge wink wink grin grin say no more! Watch now as the DCMB mixes its religions and forms a burning shrubbery, and plays (birdland or pink panther) for no apparent reason.

Please rise as the Dartmouth College Marching Band, led by student conductor Dave Kaiser, performs the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Before faculty director Max Culpepper leads the band in the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner, the DCMB would first like to have a moment of silence for Michael Malone, Class of 93, who passed away this week. The College mourns his loss.

(wait a bit, then play the banner. then off to DTs). Dartmouth and You're not in scenic Wor-Ches-Ter anymore. Now go away, or we shall taunt you a second time! How To Get Into the Boy's Dorm After Curfew and Wine and Wafer Tasting: A Divine Experiencen Ex-communication department! Holy CelloThe Norwegian Blue Pantherrecentlybicycle repairmen(band begins to say Nu) Uh, band...it's not Nu, its Ni. Ni! (band begins to say Ni, and changes formation accordingly) That's much better, band. Watch now as the DCMB 'Central Massachussetts on Fifty Dollars a Day Plus Tax

3 1/2) Dan Quayle3

2) Albatross!" What is your class? "1n almostWe are the band who says Ni, the keepers of the sacred words: keg, 'shmen, and niiii-womp...and apparently he knows some very interesting positions!