*pregame*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Boston Tea Party was just another subway festival… the Dartmouth College Marching Band! (out to DTs and well-oiled applause)

The DCMB would like to welcome itself to Harvard, where we’ve noticed some very uncommon things. For the government of the Commonwealth of Massachussetts, wealth isn’t too common. We’ve seen some very uncommon acts take place on the Boston Common. Calling it "crimson" doesn’t change the fact that red is a common color, and it’s very uncommon to see the Harvard football team win this year. But don’t worry, Harvard fans – the Atlanta Braves and the Minnesota Twins went from worst to first in just one year! Could Harvard football also go from worst to first? Watch now as the DCMB spells out the answer and plays "Mission: Impossible"

(form NOT, play M:I)

And now, please rise as student conductor Dave Kaiser leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

*halftime*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that would rather go to the Bermuda Triangle than the Harvard Square… the Dartmouth College Marching Band! (out to DTs and mustard-stained applause)

The DCMB has been watching a lot of TV reruns lately, and we’ve noticed that many of today’s famous public figures closely resemble the Muppets. For example:

– Roseanne Barr could be Miss Piggy

– Dan Quayle would be Beaker, with George Bush as the Swedish Chef:

"Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture, bork bork bork"

– Clarence Thomas could be Animal, Gorbachev and Yeltsin would be Statler and Waldorf, and John Denver would be John Denver.

– And, of course, the DCMB has formed the greatest muppet of them all on the field. Remember – it’s not easy being green.

(form Kermit, play The Muppet Theme)

We’re standing here in Harvard Square, where the famous statue of John Harvard has been secretly replaced with fresh, mountain grown Folger’s crystals. Just listen to what people are saying!

A Harvard Professor: Such a rich aroma… are you SURE it’s not John Harvard??

A Harvard student: He still has the same full-bodied taste!

A Dartmouth student: John who? Hey, pass the Milwaukee’s Best!

Watch now as the DCMB forms a giant can of delicious Folger’s crystals and asks the tough question: When Do You Say Folger’s?

(form coffee can, play Bud)

Speaking of John Harvard, here is a list of the Top Ten Things to Do To The Statue Of John Harvard:

10) Throw it in Boston Harbor and watch it disintegrate

9) Use it as starting quarterback for the New England Patriots

8) Nominate it for the Supreme Court

7) Put a can of beer in its hand and watch the Dartmouth Campus Police drive all the way to Cambridge to check its ID

6) Cover it in paper mache and use as gag pinata

5) Use it as a replacement for Johnny Carson

4) Use it as a replacement for Dan Quayle

3) Use Dan Quayle as a replacement for the statue

2) Use it as a crash test dummy

and 1) melt it down and make Civil War chess sets! Yes, Harvard students, these beautiful sets can be yours for just $100, 000 dollars, broken up into four easy, yearly payments, and all you have to do to qualify is correctly say the following phrase: "Pahk your Cah in Hahvahd Yahd." Watch now as the DCMB forms a pawn from the Civil War chess set, modeled after Confederate hero Eli Birdland, and plays his song!