*pregame*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Cornell’s mascot is Clifford the Big Red Dog… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB welcomes you to Memorial Stadium today, and we’re especially happy to see all the alumni (money)! Yes there’s nothing that makes us happier (dollars) than seeing all those plaid pants (donations) walking the streets of Hanover (we take Mastercard). It’s so nice to see Dartmouth graduates (give us money), both recent and old (big bucks, no whammys). In honor of the beloved alums (personal checks are great), watch now as the DCMB (low on funding) forms a dollar sign, something we don’t see too often these days, and plays The Alumni Anthem, Big Spender!

And now, please rise as faculty director Max Culpepper and student conductor Dave Kaiser lead the band in the playing of the Star Spangled Banner and the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

*halftime*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League with a criminal record… the Dartmouth College Marching Band! (fancy march-out!!!)

The DCMB welcomes you to today’s Homecoming game. Just what is a homecoming game without the grand old alumni? Now joining the band on the field are the DCMB alumni, so please give them a warm welcome!

You know, with so many people here this weekend, Hanover seems like a much bigger city… but which big city is it like?

– In Moscow, KGB spies are dressing like McDonald’s employees to try and blend in with the crowd; in Hanover, the Dartmouth Campus Police are dressing like Vermont Transit drivers to try and blend in.

– In Atlanta, the most popular book is Gone With the Wind; in Hanover, it’s Gone With The Keg! And frankly, James O., we DO give a damn!

– But maybe Hanover is most similar to New York City, where the sights and sounds of Broadway are almost as exciting as the sights and sounds of Frat Row! Oops, not anymore – frat row is pretty quiet this year. Watch now as the DCMB forms the name of our favorite Broadway show – the one we go to see again and again and again – and plays On Broadway. (form CATS)

Welcome to DCMB Deep Thoughts.

– If Dartmouth is in the middle of nowhere, then where the hell is Cornell?

– I hate it when I go to the Hop for breakfast and, while I’m standing in line, a Campus Po Officer comes up and tastes my orange juice, to make sure there’s no alcohol in it.

– The Alma Mater is too general. Why don’t we make it more specific, and still keep everyone happy, by calling it "Men and Women and Children and Geriatrics and People of Color and Gays and Yogurt Fanatics and Underage Aardvark Lovers and Everyone Else of Dartmouth!"

On the other hand, why don’t we just call it Hawaii 5-0?

(form 5-0, play 5-0, rejoice in the ecstasy that is 5-0)

And now, from the home office in Yonkers, New York, here are the Top Ten Pick-Up Lines of Famous Scientist and Cornell Professor Carl Sagan:

10) Can I buy you billions and billions of drinks?

9) Let me tell you about my own personal Big Bang theory

8) Einstein? Stephen Hawking? Morons!

7) It’s been a long time since I’ve seen such a heavenly body

6) I’d really like to explore your cosmos

5) Wanna find out why they call me the Big Dipper?

4) I taught Dan Quayle everything he knows

3) Hi, I’m a Kennedy

2) How’d you like to swim in my vast primordial soup?

and 1) Yes, that is a telescope in my pocket, and I am happy to see you! Watch now as the DCMB forms a telescope, and plays Carl Sagan’s theme song, Gimme Some Lovin’!

The DCMB thanks you for attending today’s game. For a free uncensored transcript of today’s halftime show, please send lots of money to the DCMB travel fund, care of Aloha Airlines, Box 5050, Honolulu, Hawaii. See you at Harvard!