*pregame*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Times Square should be turned into a wading pool… the Dartmouth College Marching Band! (out to DTs and no applause, because the sound system at Baker Field is so bad none of the visiting fans can understand a word)

This is a test of the Emergency Band System. This is only a test. Throughout the rest of the game, every time the DCMB plays the theme from Hawaii 5-0, one hundred more people have been mugged in New York City. Do not panic. Do not leave your seat. Do not eat the hot dogs, because they are left over from the last time Columbia won a game. The following is a test performance of Hawaii 5-0. This is only a test.

(band plays 5-0 short version)

And now please rise as student conductor Dave Kaiser leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

*halftime*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that would rather be in Pearl Harbor than New York Harbor… The Dartmouth College Marching Band!!! (out to DTs and applause, because, damn it, now they know they're dealing with the DCMB!)

The DCMB would like to welcome you to our Fourth Annual Tribute to Hawaii. We've noticed a number of differences between New York City and Hawaii, such as:

– In Hawaii, they say "Aloha!" In New York, they say "Get outta my way, ya bum ya!"

– In Hawaii, they eat Froot Loops, but in New York, they like Trix

– The state motto of Hawaii is "Surf, Then Luau, Then Surf Some More" … the New York state motto is "Live Free and Die." Watch now as the DCMB forms a roasted Columbia Lion from this afternoon's luau, and plays Wipeout!

As we finish off that delicious roasted Lion, a few more comparisons come to mind, such as:

– In Hawaii, they dance the hula. In New York, you need a roll of quarters to see hula dancing.

– In Hawaii, the leis are flowered. In New York, they're deadly.

– You'd have to be on drugs to leave Hawaii, but in New York, you'd have to be on drugs to stay.

– In Hawaii, that white stuff between your toes is sand. In New York, you can never be sure what it is.

– In Hawaii, they wear grass skirts. In New York, they smoke them!

Watch now as the DCMB forms a grass skirt and does the hula to the tune of Aloha Oe!

And now, from the home office in Honolulu, the Top Ten Reasons There's No Mafia In Hawaii!

10) It's hard to make a quick getaway in a golf cart

9) It's not too scary to wake up and find a dead hermit crab on your

pillow

8) Hard soled shoes and dark socks clash with Bermuda shorts

7) The tide keeps bringing the bodies back in

6) Hermit crab racing is too difficult to fix

5) Couldn't find a grass skirt big enough for Marlon Brando

4) Dan Quayle

3) Don Corleone hates being confused with Don Ho

2) The pizza sucks!

And the number one reason there's no mafia in Hawaii, they're all afraid of being arrested by Dan-O and Steve McGarrett! Watch now as the DCMB forms Steve McGarrett's classic haircut and plays the greatest TV theme ever, Hawaii 5-0!