*pregame*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that would rather play cops and robbers than Cowboys and indi… uh, I mean, cowpersons and big green… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Good afternoon and welcome to Memorial Stadium. The DCMB hopes that you enjoyed the pre-game performance by the Marching Brown Stuff. It's not just the marching band that's brown - everything in the state of Rhode Island is brown, from the water to the students' noses. And it's not even a real state; it's just a low-security parking lot for Massachusetts. But the DCMB welcomes all Brown fans to today's game, and we hope you are In The Mood for a great football game!

(play in the mood)

And now, please rise as student conductor Dave Kaiser leads the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater

Please remain standing as Dave Kaiser leads the band in the Star-Spangled Banner.

*halftime*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that would rather play capture the flag than cops and robbers… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The brand new Dartmouth Television Network is being supported by a college grant of $2,000. Based on Tuesday night's programming, here is a list of the Top Ten Better Things The College Could Have Done With That $2000:

10) Burn it

9) Buy a few hundred shares of NBC stock

8) Pay the Brown marching band not to dress like Arby's employees

7) Get campus AT&T service instead of Dartalk

6) Pay for another 20 tiers on the bonfire

5) Give it to the loyal and impoverished DCMB so we can go to Harvard next year

4) Give it to Dan Quayle as an honorarium for his speech at Commencement

3) Use it to wire Dartmouth cable to get TV stations we actually want, like Fox

2) Pay for some real social alternatives for the people in charge of DTV programming

But the best alternative thing to do with DTV's $2000 would have been ANYTHING! We even could have bought the rights to old Love Boat reruns! Watch now as the DCMB forms the Love Boat and plays its theme!

The DCMB realizes that DTV is brand new, and will get better with time. We wish DTV the best of luck. You know, all this talk about the Lorax has made the DCMB think about some other possible Dartmouth mascots. We decided that, since we can't decide on a single mascot, there should be a different one every week, such as:

– The Dartmouth Larynx

– The Fighting Falafel

– The Potato. It's inoffensive, low in calories, and its even more fun when fried or baked.

– But best of all, we could be the Dartmouth Dutch Elm Diseases. Watch now as the DCMB forms a tree so diseased that even the Lorax wouldn't want to save it, and plays The Endangered Pink Panther

Did you ever notice that B.S. stands for Brown Student? And now, the Top Ten Issues Student Assembly Could Take a Poll On:

10) Do golden retrievers oppress other dogs on campus?

9) Where is the best place for construction workers to dig a hole?

8) Should the College dig a moat around Parkhurst?

7) Should the D just print comics, since that's all we read anyway?

6) Where do the supersucks really go to?

5) Should all the clocks on the Green show the same time?

4) Should Dan Quayle speak at Commencement?

3) Should Campus Po get reserved seats at football games so they don't have to stand on the track anymore?

2) Should Dartmouth advertise itself as a place where its so cold, your nose hairs freeze?

And the top issue to take a poll on: Should Collis carry Kumquat-Mango Bagels? Watch now as the band forms a couple of Collis bagels on the field, and plays the song of the best drink to chase bagels with, Tequila!