And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that almost didn’t have enough money to get to this game today… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Everyone knows that President Bush went to Yale, but it seems like he has a lot in common with Dartmouth, if you compare the College On The Hill and the Federal Government. For example:

– The government has no money right now… just like Dartmouth

– The government spends defense money on tanks. Dartmouth spends defense money on lawyers.

– Our government runs on the multi-party system. Dartmouth also has a lot of parties.

But the biggest difference, of course, is that ex-government workers continue to receive pensions, but Dartmouth alumni continue to give money back to the college. We of the DCMB appreciate this, and want to give something back to the alumni. Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbolic hat, and hearkens back to the big band era as we try to get them, and their pocketbooks, In The Mood.

And now, please rise as Student Conductor Dave Kaiser leads the Band in a rousing rendition of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

Please remain standing as faculty director Max Culpepper conducts The Star Spangled Banner.

*halftime*

And Now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks America should be more polite and just say No Thank You to drugs… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!!

Just what is a homecoming game without the Grand Old Alumni?! Joining the band now on the field are the DCMB alumni, so please give them a warm welcome!

The DCMB would like to welcome Yale to Hanover. Did you ever notice that Yale is the only school named after a padlock? Did you ever notice that Yale’s mascots are a short, ugly dog and a Boola? Did you ever notice that most good news has a bad side? For example:

– The good news is, new advances in stereo speakers will bring awesome sound quality in the home. The bad news is, every other song will be by New Kids On The Block.

– The good news is, thousands of alumni have returned to Hanover for Homecoming weekend. The bad news is, they all wear the same plaid pants

– The good news is, the fall foliage is reaching its peak of beauty. The bad news is, everyone from the continuous 48 states is coming here to watch.

– The good news is, the HB’s are delivering again on Saturdays. The bad news is, we never get any mail anyway.

– The good news is, McDonald’s now recycles their waste containers. The bad news is, they also recycle their hamburgers.

– The good news is, the Yale boola is even more ambiguous than the Dartmouth Big Green. The bad news is, the band just formed one, and they’re about to play an Ivy League classic, To Hell With Yale.

The DCMB would now like to make some predictions about Dartmouth College as it will be 20 years from today.

Our first prediction is that the year will be 2010.

– The freshmen will have successfully completed their one-tier bonfire.

– The reserve corridor will be open 24 hours a day so Dean of the College Brian Ellner can work around the clock.

– The freshmen will be excluded from campus during fall term.

– Dartmouth President Chris Miller ‘63 will announce that the alcohol policy does not apply to fraternities.

– Speaking of fraternities, there will be a dog pound at Alpha Delta, an herbal tea warehouse at Bones Gate, and a Diet Coke bottling plant at Sigma Delta.

– There will also be an adult video store at Alpha Chi.

– The taps at SAE will still be missing.

– And Peter Sellers will still be dead. But the DCMB would now like to honor the memory of Mr. Sellers by forming a symbolic diamond and playing The Pink Panther.

The results of this Fall’s Yale Music History 101 Midterm have just been released. When asked, "Who wrote Beethoven’s 5th?" 17 percent of the students answered correctly, 50 percent drooled, and 33 percent are still stuck on writing their name in the space provided. On the next question, "In which keys were Mahler’s Symphonies in D major and F minor written?" 58 percent answered "Florida," 27 percent drew a smiley face, and 15 percent said "maybe." Another question was, "When was the War of 1812?" Of those who reached this question, 53 percent answered "true," 34 percent said "none of the above," and 22 percent were within 20 years. We of the DCMB don’t want to violate the honor code, Yale, but here’s a hint:

(band forms cannon, plays 1812 Overture)

The DCMB hopes you survived today’s show. We look forward to seeing you in two weeks when Hahvahd comes to town, and we hope you enjoy the second half.