Live, from Hanover, it's Saturday Afternoon! Featuring, after last week's absence, the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

(on field to DT#1 and screaming applause of 15 or so fans)

And now, the DCMB presents the award winning TV show, the Waltons! Last week, John Boy didn't have the grades to go to college, but was recruited by Harvard anyway. Now we find him writing a letter home to mama: Dear mama, on the way here I got beat up on the airplane by some little boys called the New Kids On The Block. At least they didn't lip-synch any of their songs. Last night I made my first contact with a real Harvard girl! She's nothing like the girls back home; she has long, blonde hair flowing down her back - none on her head, just on her back. Her teeth are like stars, they come out at night. She looks like a million dollars - in loose change. Best of all, she's a good sport! In my next letter I'll tell you about my economics class, but it's pretty depressing. Goodnight, mama.

P.S. Watch now as the DCMB forms the mutant Harvard stickwoman and plays a song no one from Harvard will recognize, Tequila!

(DT#1 into concert formation)

Please rise and sing along as Student Conductor Dave Kaiser leads the band in the Dartmouth College Alma Mater

Please remain standing as Faculty Director Max Culpepper conducts the Star Spangled Banner

*halftime*

and now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the chocolate mousse is an endangered species… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

(on field to DT#1 and standing ovation by 70,000 screaming fans)

The DCMB hopes you are enjoying today's game, as Dartmouth and Harvard go head to head on that most important of all academic fields, the football field. In honor of the great Dartmouth Study Abroad programs, the DCMB would now like to present the Top Ten Places We'd Like To Study Abroad In:

Number Ten - Paris, home of the Eiffel tower - look, there goes the elevator! … Oops, there's a flag on the field … looks like an illegal formation has been called. Move it back 10 yards and try again, band. Now they're forming the Tower of London … oh, no, that's another flag down - looks like the band has been caught offsides … and here comes Dartmouth's coach, he's arguing with the ref (ad lib a bit, following action on field). Boy is he swearing up a storm, and the official has just ejected him from the halftime show for behaving too much like Roger Clemens! The DCMB totally disagrees with this call, and in protest we'd like to sentence the referee to the Tower of London for the rest of his life, and play The Referee Song.

Apparently a late flag has been thrown, and it's a penalty against the Harvard band for having an excessively boring halftime show! Looks like the Dartmouth band has beaten Harvard yet again. But we aren't even done yet! Here's our REAL list, of the Top Ten Phil Papers That Recieved a D Minus:

10) existentialism as a way to pick up chicks

9) The Life and Times of Descartes: I Drink, Therefore I Am

8) Socrates was a shmuck

7) what does it all really matter, anyway?

6) I think that it may be possible that I think, therefore I'm fairly certain that I can be sure that it's not inconcievable that I exist

5) God exists because Oral Roberts says so

4) Dan Quayle does not exist

3) Harvard Men and the Knitting Needle Dialectic

2) every one you ever wrote

but the best D- phil paper ever, Hidden Symbolism In Monty Python's Meaning Of Life! Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbolic python and plays that great adventure song, Raiders of the Lost Holy Grail

The movie Monty Python's Meaning of Life is famous for it's great song, Every Sperm Is Sacred. We of the DCMB would now like to present our own version of this song:

There are Browns in the world, and there are Cornells

There is Harvard and Princeton and Penn

There are those who go to Columbia, BUT

Thank God I'm not one of them!

I'm a Dartmouth Student

Have been since before I arrived

And the one thing they say about Dartmouth

Is the parties are really alive

You don't have to read US News and World Report

That magazine has no class

All you have to do is matriculate here

Cause you know Dartmouth kicks Harvard’s … (pause)

Because every 'shmen is sacred, every 'shmen is great

If a 'shmen gets wasted, James O. gets quite irate

Every 'shmen is beautiful, but no 'shmen has a clue

But if the 'shmen read this Wednesday's D, they learned a thing or two

Speaking of Wednesday's Joke Issue of the Daily Dartmouth, President Freedman was quoted as saying "Hawaii 5-0 has never sounded so good! But they really could use a cello." Watch now as the DCMB forms a cello in tribute to James O. Freedman and plays what is no doubt his favorite song, Hawaii 5-0!

This has been a test of the Emergency Band System. Had this been a real emergency, the DCMB would be miles away by now. We hope you have a safe second half, and we look forward to seeing you next week as the Columbia Lions come to Hanover to extend their latest losing streak.