*pregame*

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks a diminished fifth is a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB welcomes you to today's Homecoming game against Yale. Did you ever notice that Yale is the only University in the Ivy League that's named after a padlock? We're sure all the Yalies are happy to escape the urban blight of New Haven and come up to Dartmouth, the only place they ever get to see any green. More importantly, ESPN is once again here to televise today's game, and the DCMB would like to stress how much we love watching ESPN. If Dartmouth ever gets around to installing campus-wide cable, I'm sure every one of us will watch ESPN every day. In fact, we have made it our mission to get on ESPN, so please direct your attention to the playing field, as the DCMB forms the call letters of the official television network of Hawaii, and plays The Mission.

Please rise and join the Dartmouth College Marching Band in the playing and singing of the Alma Mater and the Star Spangled Banner.

*halftime*

And now....the only band in the Ivy League capable of doing the fancy march-out you are about to see....the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Just what is a Homecoming Game without the Grand Old Alumni? Joining the band now on the field are the DCMB Alumni, so please give them a warm welcome.

Of course we love the alumni for their glorious presence and their loads 'o' dough. Here are a few things we only see when the alumni are in town:

the money light

President Freedman

clean fraternities

total disregard for parking laws

thousands of open containers

Watch now as the DCMB pays tribute to all the wonderful alums of Dartmouth College by forming the class number of what are soon to become the newest Alumni, and playing that classic tune, Glory to Dartmouth.

(form a '90)

We of the DCMB realize that the students from Yale are probably sick and tired of hearing about how George Bush went there. Therefore, we would now like to list some reasons why Dan Quayle did NOT go to Yale:

– His wife couldn't go with him

– John F. Kennedy didn't go there

– Not even HIS dad was rich enough to buy him in

– He was too manly compared with the rest of the applicants

– He applied to the Electoral College instead

– He is a Gerbil-o-phobe

… and, the biggest reason of all, his SAT scores were too high. And now, in a salute to Dan, we WERE going to play a song we hope NEVER gets played for him, Hail To The Chief. But instead, here's a more appropriate tune.

(Mickey Mouse) (form mouse ears)

And now, from the people who brought you Nightmare On Webster Avenue and The Last Temptation of Dean Ed, comes the latest in a long line of Dartmouth Horror Films. DCMB Studios, in conjunction with Nina Beattie, proudly presents:

Using actual footage, this compelling docudrama takes you down into the seething bowels of terror that is a Dartmouth fraternity's Hell Night. First, we see little Billy attending informal rush, where he is greeted by well-dressed, well-mannered, all-around good guys. Have a Cheeze Puff, Billy. Later, we see Deliberations, where the all-important "smooth factor" comes into play, and vital personality traits are discussed, like: what is Billy's chug speed? Does he attract the right babes? Can he boot for distance and accuracy? The film climaxes with Hell Night, some fine stock footage taken by an authentic Alpha Chi house member from the Richard M. Nixon school of Stupid Self-Recording Tactics. Aaaah at the forced chugging. Ooooo at the power booting. Thrill to the spectacle of 'shmen doing all sorts of crazy things.

Just listen to the critics rave:

Dean Edward Shanahan: "I went to see it again and again and again..."

President James O. Freedman: "Alpha who?"

Student Assembly President Jordy Green: "It sure would make a great place for a student center, wouldn't it?"

and Dean Mary Turco: "I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats"

Watch now as the DCMB film board shows what rating it gave this movie, and plays Mary Turco's theme song, Wild Thing

(form a X, play Wild Thing)