*pregame*

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks James O. Freedman should be pope… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

(DT#1)

Ladies and gentlemen, the DCMB would like to welcome you to today's football game between Holy Cross and Dartmouth. We regret that the Holy Cross marching band could not be with us, but they have been stranded in, appropriately enough, the Virgin Islands, as a result of Hurricane Hugo. It seems they were searching for the Holy Sousaphone of Antioch, but their DC-10 exploded in midair, and they were saved by a miracle - imagine that! - and landed softly on what used to be a beautiful beach on St. Croix. Incidentally, the Virgin Islands were discovered and named by Christopher Columbus in 1493. Watch now as the DCMB wishes everyone a Happy Columbus Day by forming the Virgin Islands and playing the Christopher Columbus Fox Trot.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the DCMB, directed by Student Director Marilyn Cummings and Band Director Max Culpepper, performs the Dartmouth College Alma Mater and the Star-Spangled Banner.

(play ‘em… off to DTs)

*halftime*

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that says, "sticks and stones may break our bones but whips and chains excite us," … the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

(DT#1)

The DCMB has noticed that people from Holy Cross exude a certain… holiness. The DCMB, no stranger to holiness, has also noticed a number of other common uses of the word, HOLY. For example: Holy cow. Holy hand grenades, Batman. Holy Moses. Holy (beeeep). Pete Rose could be a holy roller, and President Freedman has been known to do his impersonation of the Holy Ghost during matriculation time… or maybe he's just at the Holy French Riviera instead. Of course there's Holy Cross, with their holier-than-thou attitude. And for the brothers of Psi Upsilon, there's always Mt. Holyoke. Watch now as the DCMB pays tribute to the Dartmouth of Old and the fine young American men of Psi U by forming a giant Upsilon and playing Onward, Christian Soldiers.

The DCMB has just been informed that noted 16th Century religious figure Martin Luther has returned from the grave, and even as we speak is standing at the office door of Dean Mary Turco, nailing up 95 theses on Ways to Improve Life At Dartmouth, or Why ORL Rhymes With Hell. Some of the titles include:

The Babylonian Captivity of Parkhurst

Living in the Lodge is Living in Hell

Get the 'Shmen the Hell Back to Full Fare

Get Hovey's Pub the Hell Back to Thayer

Godless Bureaucracy is Hell

But the DCMB knows what hell REALLY is: a weekend at Holy Cross. Watch now as the DCMB forms a holy cross, and plays the theme song from the Greatest American Hero, On A Wing And A Prayer

Today's game against Holy Cross reminds the DCMB that the Class of 1993 is currently reading Milton's Paradise Lost. As we gaze up at our blessed freshmen, we detect a note of confusion.

Thus, we would like to help these poor clueless students out by providing a brief synopsis of this great work. In the beginning, there was nothing. (Pause)

(band begins swirling and bumping into each other)

Gradually, the basic elements began to materialize. Watch now as the band makes a gas of itself on the field.

(band begins to form Earth)

At the conception of the universe, a massive amount of energy was released. Watch now as the band comes together to dramatize the Big Bang theory! (band finishes forming the Earth)

After the earth was done, God created the stars, Hawaii, the angels, and other heavenly bodies, like Madonna, which still exist today. In fact, Satan was once an angel. Band, do you know how he ended up in hell? (band plays Chattanooga Choo Choo) (forms "HELLO" immediately afterward)

Wrong answer, band. Look, it's like this: Satan and some other angels rebelled against God, so he derecognized them and threw them out of Heaven and into Hell. And following in their footsteps, the band is now going to hell on the field.

(band changes HELLO to OHELL as the band members who are in the HELL part play DT#3 very quickly)

And now that the band is in Hell, Satan decides to corrupt God's new paradise, so he grabs his 'Shmenu and, in the ORIGINAL road trip, goes to tempt Eve with the forbidden fruit. Reaching Eden, Satan sees Eve, and delivers the one line he knows she can't resist....

(band plays a few bars of "Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree" and forms an apple, which changes to an apple with a bite taken out of it)

In the end, Adam and Eve are cast out of Parkhurst...uh, I mean, Paradise, and they live happily ever after in the great state of Hawaii, where they instruct Cain and Abel in the finer points of surfing. Later, they are reincarnated as Peter Sellers and Shirley MacLaine. Watch now as the DCMB pays tribute to the memory of Peter Sellers by forming Inspector Clouseau and playing The Pink Panther.

The DCMB would like to thank you for coming today, and we look forward to seeing you at next week's Homecoming game against Yale.