*pregame*
And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Head of the Charles
is just a remnant of a decapitated monarch… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
(band marches out to DT#1 and well-oiled applause)
This weekend is the ever popular Head of the Charles, and as a public service
to all the Dartmouth students who have come down for the weekend, the DCMB would
like to present the following survival list of things NOT to do while at
Harvard:
--Don't buy any Red Sox World Series Tickets
--Don't stop and ask for directions in the Combat Zone
--Don't try to muscle in on Harvard's Wellesley women
--Don't fall in the highly corrosive muck of Boston Harbor
--and above all, don't breathe. Watch now as the DCMB forms a collapsing lung
as it plays the theme song of the Head of the Charles weekend
(play Row Row Row Your Boat)
And now please rise and join the marching band in the playing of the
Dartmouth College Alma Mater
*halftime* (by this time we are ahead by at least 50 points)
And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks that Lady Di is the only
one who knows for sure what the Head of the Charles is all about… the Dartmouth
College Marching Band!
Good afternoon, and welcome to the DCMB's student guide to Harvard, or "how
to be pompous and speak funny at the same time." Harvard is proud of its
intellectual tradition, and among its professors are some of the finest
academicians in the world – and, if you're lucky, during your four years there,
you might get to see one of them. Another great tradition of Harvard is its core
curriculum, which includes such courses as:
- Physical Education 5 - Beginning Tiddlywink Strategy
- Physics 12 - How to keep your feet on the ground with your nose in the air
- a seminar combining Religion and Environmental Studies - How to walk across
the Charles River on dead fish
- and Linguistics 15 - How to avoid the letter R.
Watch now as the DCMB forms a giant R and plays the song that best describes
Harvard students chances of ever learning to speak correctly, Mission Impossible
A crack DCMB secret agent recently raided Harvard's admissions office, and
absconded with a transcript of a personal interview with a prospective student,
who was accepted under the Early Decision plan. The transcript was difficult to
read, as it was written in crayon, but the following questions and answers were
discernable:
Name: Charles Thaddeus Dalton Freedman Hall Terwilliger 73rd.
Nickname: Chip
Ambitions: to translate Catullus, tie my shoes, and get a real social life
Turn-ons: leather, fast cars, and having to marry my first cousin
Turn-offs: contact with real professors, and people with a sense of humor
Favorite Books: Two Fantasies - "Dick and Jane Find A Parking Space Within
Five Miles of Cambridge" and "Zen and the Art of Cello Maintenance"
Favorite TV Shows: 60 Minutes, USA Today, Leave It to Beaver, and the Muppet
Show. Watch now as the DCMB salutes Kermit the Frog by forming one of the
nuclear lily pads growing in Boston Harbor, and playing the theme song of the
only TV Show ever to be based on Harvard, The Muppet Show
