Dartmouth vs. Cornell, ?/89 (Away)

 

***pregame***

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the United States capital should be moved to Honolulu… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

(out to DT#1)

The DCMB is so thrilled to be back at Cornell after our long absence, we have decided to perform for the unsuspecting Big Red fans our Second Annual Tribute to Hawaii. Why Hawaii, you might ask? Why, indeed. Hawaii is the greatest tropical paradise in the world, and is the home of the Mai Tai. Also, it is home to Aloha Airlines, who we know are just DYING to fly our whole band out there for free. But most of all, Hawaii is the home state of the greatest television show ever. No, not Magnum P.I. Watch now as the DCMB forms the great Hawaiian Islands and plays a TV theme song which no one in this stadium today will ever forget once we're through, Hawaii 5-0

And now please rise and join the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater

***halftime***

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Ferdinand Marcos should have been buried in Ithaca instead of Hawaii… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

In anticipation of today's Tribute to Hawaii, we sent Little Billy Hornblower over to Hawaii to check out the scene, and he sent us the following postcard –

Dear DCMB: The first thing I noticed upon getting off the plane were all the ripe coconuts. Then, I got lei'd, and before I knew it, she was putting a ring of flowers around my neck. I'm staying at the same hotel where they filmed the Brady Bunch. I asked for Marsha's room, but Ferdinand Marcos' body was lying in state there, so I'm sleeping in Alice's bed instead. At night, when I look out my window, I can see the big Hawaiian moon. I sure wish he'd put his pants back on. Love, Billy." Watch now as the DCMB forms a ripe coconut, replete with some exotic hula dancers, and plays Aloha Oi.

The DCMB is having a great time here at SUNY Ithaca. In fact, we're having such a good time, we've compiled a list of the Top Ten Reasons Why We'd Rather Be Here Than In Hawaii:

10) There are fewer tourists in Ithaca

9) In Ithaca you don't have to wait in line to see a pineapple factory

8) It took Odysseus 20 years to get here, and it only took us a little longer.

7) In Hawaii, they wear grass skirts. In Ithaca, they smoke them.

6) In Hawaii, you have to wait until the sun peels you, but at Cornell, the cleansing acid rain will disintegrate that unwanted layer of skin in no time.

5) Dan Quayle

4) Kahlua tastes the same no matter where you are

3) Carl Sagan is a better surfer than Don Ho. (dedicated to Jeff Cobb)

2) In Ithaca, there aren't any erupting volcanoes spewing white-hot lava all over us.

But the biggest reason is that Hawaii doesn't have any analy-retentive, finely-honed Big Red marching Q-tips. The DCMB has just one thing to say about the Cornell band: Book 'em, Danno! Watch now as the DCMB forms a giant erupting volcano and plays ____________

 

I'll bet you're wondering why the band is crowding around the 50 yard line. It's because fifty also stands for 5-0, of course. Watch now as the DCMB concludes today's Second Annual Tribute to Hawaii by forming an amorphous Hawaiian blob around it's favorite yard line and playing DT#5, Hawaii 5-0 (the very short version)