*pregame*

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the New York mayoral election doesn't really matter, because the mafia is going to run the city anyway… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

When we first arrived here, we thought we were in Columbia the country, not Columbia the University, because all we could see were automatic weapons, drugs, and dead journalists. Now that we have been here awhile, however, we realize that the two places are very different, and have compiled the following helpful comparison between the two Columbias.

National Animal: for the country, the llama. For the University, the subway rat, properly known as Rattus Asbestos

Favorite Pastimes: for the country, killing people. For the University neighborhood, killing people.

Favorite Courses: for the country, pharmicology. For the University, self-defense.

Biggest Heroes: For the country, the Medellin Cartel. For the University, Papa Smurf.

But the biggest difference between the two Columbias is that in the country, you don't have to wait in line to get your coffee, and at the University, you don't have to wait in line to get your Coke. Watch now as the DCMB says Coke Is It! by forming a 12 ounce can and playing This Coke's For You

(Budweiser Theme, can formation)

And now please rise and join the band in the playing of the Dartmouth College Alma Mater.

*halftime*

And now...the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Sony Corporation should have bought Columbia University instead of Columbia Pictures....The Dartmouth College Marching Band!

The DCMB recently received the following advertisement in the mail. New from the Columbia Records and Tapes University Club! A 69 album set, including the greatest hits of all time, such as:

Zamfir, master of the pan flute, pays tribute to John Philip Sousa

Engleburt Humperdinck's Charming Love Ballads of West 116th Street

Stairway to Heaven, the extended muzak version

Feelings, the super disco mix

Rudolph the Red Handed Republican and other Holiday Election Tunes

The Complete Works of Guns ‘N’ Roses, dude.

All these and more can be yours for the low, low price of $19,000 dollars, and we'll even throw in a free year at Columbia University! Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbolic Guns ‘N’ Roses CD and plays that classic headbangin' tune, Them Basses

And now, from the creators of The Last Temptation of Dean Ed, comes a brand new trashing of a gread old holiday poem:

Twas the night before game day and all through the school

No one bet on Columbia, not even a fool.

Dartmouth was coming, all covered in Green,

Certain to crush the Columbia team.

The Gates were all locked, the students shut in,

Still psyched as can be over last season's win.

The quarterback snored in his little blue bed

As visions of victories danced in his head.

On, Solomon Johnson! On, Greg Abruzzeze!

Oops, they're out for the season - now the outlook is hazy.

But the quarterback drops, the quarterback throws,

The ball flies through the air - to the end zone it goes!

It's a miracle, the Lions put points on the board!

The hometown Smurfs cheered as Columbia scored.

And from that point on, the game was a rout,

The Lions were roaring, the win not in doubt.

One final touchdown, the fans stood to scream -

Then the quarterback awoke, for it was only a dream.

There was never a chance for this to take place,

Not even Tom Landry could save Columbia's face.

Once again in the end, Columbia's players will mope,

For to beat Dartmouth College is surely without hope.

Watch now as the DCMB forms the number that appears in Columbia's win column and plays New York, New York. (form a big fat 0) (zero)