***pregame***

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Steve McGarrett and Dan-O are the dynamic duo… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

In honor of our humble and recently humiliated hosts, the DCMB would like to welcome itself to Princeton. We had been hoping that New Jersey might have changed since we had last been here, but once again, the only green thing in the state is us. In order to ease the hellish pain of marching at Princeton, the DCMB has hypnotized itself into thinking it is REALLY in the balmy tropical paradise of Hawaii, where, unlike New Jersey, you don't need an inoculation to walk on the beach. And travelers have a much better chance of getting lei'd in Hawaii than they do at Princeton. Watch now as the DCMB salutes the state of Hawaii by forming 2 giant, ripe coconuts and plays the official state song, HAWAII 5-O

***halftime***

And now… the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Bush cabinet will look ridiculous next to the Lincoln dresser… the Dartmouth College Marching Band!

Two score and seventeen weeks ago, Princeton handed Columbia's alleged football team its 35th consecutive defeat, setting an NCAA Division I record. Thus, it is fitting that Columbia win its first game in five years against - you guessed it - Princeton. As a public service, the DCMB has compiled the following list of the Top Ten Reasons Why Princeton Lost to Columbia:

10) Someone spiked their Gatorade

9) They were mesmerized by their own garish uniforms

8) They only gave 108%

7) They were paralyzed from shock at being able to breathe

the comparatively clean air of the Bronx

6) Brooke Shields played Split End

5) She also played Tight End

4) She also called the plays… 69! 69! Hike!

3) Jason and Judd, the cellophane McGarretts, were too busy

trying to score with Brooke to score touchdowns

2) Steve, the real McGarrett, played linebacker for Columbia

And the #1 reason Princeton lost to Columbia… they went beachcombing at the Jersey shore instead! Watch now as the DCMB forms one of the hypodermic needles found by a Princeton player on the beach, and plays the national anthem of the unified state of Hawaii… HAWAII 5-O

The DCMB is absolutely elated to be here today at that diverse academic mecca, Rutgers University. Did you ever notice that, other than people named McGarrett, Hawaii and New Jersey just don't have much in common? To illustrate this point, the DCMB has compiled the following helpful comparison of Hawaii and New Jersey.

In Hawaii, people have a healthy tan from the sun. In New Jersey, they have an unhealthy glow from radon.

Hawaii is an island, but we wish it were part of the mainland. New Jersey is part of the mainland, but we wish it were an island… preferably Pompeii.

Hawaii has tropical birds and flowers. New Jersey has radioactive cows.

In Hawaii, they wear grass skirts. In New Jersey, they smoke them.

In Hawaii, they say "aloha." In New Jersey, they say "get your car out of my parking space right now or I'll rip your lungs out."

In Hawaii, they hang ten. In New Jersey, they hang themselves.

Watch now as the DCMB transforms itself from New Jersey to Hawaii and plays Governor Tom Kean's favorite song, NEW JERSEY 5-O

Well, it's the last segment of the last interesting halftime show of the last football game of 1988, and we can't say anything else because our voices won't work anymore in these toxic fumes referred to by Princeton students, in a moment of enthusiasm, as air. Of course, clean air would never be a problem… in Hawaii! So read carefully as the DCMB concludes its glorification of the state of Hawaii by forming a giant 5-O, which also stands for 50, the number of consecutive games Princeton is going to lose, and plays what is, without a doubt, the best television theme ever, HAWAII 5-O!