And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Hawaii 5-O should have been the new Alma Mater… the Dartmouth College Marching Band

Well, it’s that time of year again… the first official snow has fallen… the ‘shmen have finally become disgusted by the Thayer Full-Jam… the presidential race is thankfully almost over… and today is the last Dartmouth home football game of 1988. So who did they send us? Notre Dame? Southern Cal? Oh… it’s only Columbia. But wait! Is it true? Did Columbia REALLY WIN a game this year? After losing 44 in a row, they are about as qualified to win a football game as Dan Quayle is to be vice-president. Over the past five years, Columbia has lost more games than Delta airlines has lost baggage. And who ever saw a Lion roaming the streets of Manhattan, anyway? Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbolic Columbia Lion, which from the visitor’s side of the field looks ferocious and formidable, but from the press box side looks distinctly dead, and plays that classic Columbia University fight song, "Die Lion Die"

***halftime***

And now, the only band in the Ivy League whose average shoe size is higher than the Columbia football team’s cumulative SAT scores… the Dartmouth College Marching Band

The DCMB would like to extend a warm welcome to the Columbia University football team and congratulate them on their recent victory over Princeton. Previously, the Lions had lost a Division I record 44 consecutive games, and as a result of their stunning victory, some questions have been raised, such as: Just how far were their admissions standards lowered? Why did Princeton deserve such a horrible fate? And just how did Columbia manage to win, anyway? The DCMB would now like to answer that question with the following list of the Top Ten Reasons Why Columbia Beat Princeton:

10) Someone spiked their Gatorade

9) Princeton was mugged on their way to the stadium

8) They gave Princeton a million dollars, a cake and a bible

7) The Jets didn’t have a game that weekend

6) Neither did the Giants

5) They hired Ben Johnson as strength coach

4) Princeton was mesmerized by their own garish uniforms

3) Princeton only gave 108%

2) Bernard Goetz played middle linebacker

and the #1 reason Columbia beat Princeton… hell froze over! Watch now as the DCMB forms one of hell’s frozen lakes, and Columbia’s students celebrate their victory by playing snap-the-whip to the tune of Hogan’s Heroes

Another reminder that November is upon us is all those poor high school students, struggling to meet the application deadlines of the college or university of their choice. The DCMB recently received a copy of someone’s application to the Columbia Record and Tape University Club… eleven courses for a penny, providing you pass at least three of them over the next four years. Here’s the form letter from the dean of admissions: "Dear prospective student, animal, mineral, or football player" … sounds pretty typical for most universities. You know, the best way to find out about a student is to read his or her personal essay. Let’s see what Johnny wrote: "Uhhh… Guns ‘n’ Roses CD… it really rocks, dude… I want eleven copies for a penny, plus my free Anthrax 8-track if my GPA stays on the positive side of zero." Johnny says his intended major is ‘Football History’ – that is sure to get him into a top graduate school… Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbolic Guns ‘n’ Roses CD and plays that favorite head-banging tune, "Dem Basses"

You know, there has been a lot of discussion recently about what Dartmouth College should have as its mascot. Some say the Indian symbol is derogatory to minority groups; but then again, "the Big Green" doesn’t exactly inspire fear on the gridiron. The DCMB would now like to offer the administration some alternate suggestions as to what our mascot should be.

The Lime Jell-os… or The Presidential Cellos?

The Dartmouth Ancient Greeks… or Derecognized Greeks?

The Boogers? *sneeze* excuse me… GO GREEN GO!

The Cucumbers? The Bread Mold? The Lobster Guts? The Pond Scum?

The Dartmouth Gumbies? But wait… maybe that’s going too far. Come on, now… let’s not push it! Watch now as the DCMB kisses the final home game of the 1988 season goodbye by forming a symbolic Gumby and performing that hot Salt ‘n’ Peppa rap song, PUSH IT!

As we conclude our final halftime show of 1988, the Dartmouth College Marching Band would like to thank all the fans for coming to the games and supporting both the football team and the band, and also urge you to come listen to us during the winter athletic season as we take a few Motrin and, transforming ourselves from a marching band to a pep band, support Dartmouth College basketball and hockey.

"Come on, now...Could Dartmouth EVER have a REAL mascot? Nah....that’s impossible."