***pregame***
And now....the only band in the Ivy League that thinks the Pillsbury Dough
Boy should flame broil the Burger King....the Dartmouth College Marching Band
Rhode Island....the off-ramp to Connecticut. So this is Brown. You know,
there's absolutely nothing interesting about Brown. It must be the most
unexciting, inane, boring university in the Ivies. The students are boring, the
administration is boring, the football team is boring, their band is boring...
there really isn't anything funny that can be said about Brown. So if you people
thought we came down here just to see you, forget it! In fact, we almost missed
the state completely! Rhode Island is so small, we had to park our buses in
Connecticut. As a public service, the DCMB has compiled the following list of
things that are bigger than Rhode Island:
Every other state
One of Morton Downey Jr.'s zits
Geraldo Rivera's nose after his latest accident
Mike Dukakis' eyebrow
A Tic-Tac
Dolly Parton
Vanna White's teeth
Madonna's navel
Sean Penn's ego
Amy Carter's permanent record? Well, we wouldn't go that far. Watch now as
the DCMB suggestively gyrates itself into an exact replica of Madonna's navel,
complete with the obligatory strands of lint, and plays her hit single,
Material Girl
***halftime***
And now...the only band in the Ivy League that thinks David Letterman should
be President of the United States... the Dartmouth College Marching Band!
The DCMB was asked today to fill in for David Letterman as he travels to
Hollywood to participate in the First Annual Geraldo Rivera Chair Toss. Dave is
seeded third, behind Oprah Winfrey and Bobby Knight. But walking around the
Brown campus this morning, the DCMB discovered that there is something funny
about Brown after all: the curriculum. We asked a variety of students what their
intended major is, expecting such conventional answers as ‘english’ or
‘government’ or ‘economics.’ But not at Brown! In order to enlighten the rest of
the world to the diverse academic opportunities at Brown, the DCMB has compiled
the following list of the Top Ten Majors at Brown:
10) Frisbee Aerodynamics
9) Lego Construction
8) Amy Carter's favorite...Breaking and Entering
7) Underwater Soap Carving
6) Septic Engineering
5) Zit Cultivation
4) Great Whales in Literature
3) Professional Wrestling Analysis
2) Cartoon Symbolism
and the most popular major at Brown University...Transferring! Watch now as
the DCMB forms a symbolic M for major and plays yet another appropriate,
socially relevant song, New York, New York
While filling in for Dave, the DCMB has received a deluge of "Dear Dave"
letters. Hundreds of concerned Brown students have written to us about such
things as: Why does their football team have a worse record than Columbia's? Why
isn't there anything fun to do on campus? And is Rhode Island really an island?
Or is it just a speck of dust on the map to give people who don't get into
Dartmouth a place to go? The DCMB would now like to share with you some of these
letters
Dear Dave,
I am a chronic bedwetter. My roommate is starting to get a little bummed out
about this, because I have the top bunk. I have tried psycho-hypnosis,
acupuncture and Motrin, but nothing works. What can I do?
Signed, Messy Marvin
Dear Marvin,
The DCMB suggests drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed. Maybe
this will help get rid of your problem. Also, why not discuss it with some of
your dormmates? Many Brown students probably have the same problem and would
love to commiserate with you.
Dear Dave,
My problem is, my ------- is really ------. In order to ----- myself, I have
to ----- my ------ very hard. Even then, they still ------ out from ------ when
they ----- it. I even try to be -------, but ------ jell-o wrestling and ------
filled danish won't work either. How can I ----- a ------ if my ------ is
-------? ------- me, Dave!
Signed, a ------- Brown Student
Dear -------,
You know, a ------ ------- is a sign of a ------ mind. And did you ever
notice that B.S. stands for Brown Student? But never mind that, you've gotten us
all pretty excited with that part about the danish. What is it REALLY filled
with? Lemon? Chocolate? Or is it Cream filled? Watch now as the DCMB forms a
symbolic cream-filled pastry and plays that rocking Falco song, Eat Me I'm A
Danish
You know, the Letterman Show just wouldn't be complete without a segment of
Stupid Pet Tricks. You know, where people embarrass themselves on national
television by having their python eat another guests poodle. Well, today the
DCMB would like to add an element of diversity to the Letterman Show by
performing some Stupid Band Tricks. These aren't just ordinary tricks like
rolling over, sitting up or playing dead. No, the DCMB is far too sophisticated
for such juvenile pursuits. The integral part of the tricks we will perform
today is the most musical of all instruments: the keg. And not just any keg --
an empty keg. You thought you heard piccolos, didn't you? Wrong again... those
were kegs! Our personal favorite Stupid Band Tricks are the Keg Toss, the Keg
Jump and the Keg Headbutt. The Keg Toss is the #1 spectator sport in the Ivies,
while the Keg Jump is destined to be a demonstration sport in the 1996 Summer
Olympics. All we can say about the Keg Headbutt is, it's bigger than Rhode
Island and a heckuva lot more fun than Providence! Watch now as these three
Stupid Band Tricks are performed inside a symbolic keg, and the DCMB plays that
all-time favorite keg anthem, Miller Time
