And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Brooke Shields are a new form of feminine protection, the DCMB!

Ladies and gentlemen, in memoriam of our visit to Princeton, the Dartmouth College Marching Band would like to borrow a Princeton show from last year. Watch as we take a long, hard look at the wonderful state of New Jersey. We just drove into New Jersey, and boy, are our lungs tired. New Jersey is a solid waste storehouse, a slagpit seeping with sewage saturated cities of sordid stenches and silly pseudonyms. Take Mahwah, please. No, really. While you're at it, take Trenton, Secaucus, Rahway, Elizabeth, Metro Park, Metuchen, Paramus, Passaic, Hopatcong, and don't forget Ho Ho Kus. We do not mean to imply that everything in New Jersey is contaminated, but the state tree of New Jersey is dead, and even our jackets pale at the sight. Speaking of garbage, what's the difference between a New Jersey girl and garbage? The girl gets taken out once a week. Forming a barrel of hazardous chemical waste on the field, watch as the band tells you not to worry, but simply get out of Princeton, New Jersey, and head over to New York, NY.

NEW YORK NEW YORK BARREL FORM

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks drinking beer is more fun than eating clubs, the DCMB!

You know, it seems that nowadays, people are not very concerned with things that just might happen. Princeton students stroll leisurely to classes, never pausing to ask that dreaded question what if?

What if - famous movie stars were required to go through the normal application process to be admitted to an Ivy League school?

What if - Marilyn Monroe's mother had been her agent?

What if - Tony the Tiger ripped a kid's lungs out on television and exclaimed, "They're grrrreat!"

What if - Newark were a nice place to live?

What if - Brooke hadn't woken up when her lover burned down her house in Endless Love?

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE MATCH

What if - PJ's Pancake House didn't serve pancakes?

What if - Princeton's campus tour didn't point out where famous alumni slept?

What if - Jimmy Carter hopped on the L.I. Railroad and pulled out of Roslyn at 6:30 in the morning?

What if - Princeton students weren't always dressed for trick or treat?

What if - movie stars were required to take real courses - just like the rest of us?

What if - the Duke brothers had actually bought Princeton? Would it be called Dukedom?

What if - Bill Bradley had graduated from Trenton State?

And finally, What if - we couldn't have stayed 2 nights in New York while playing at Princeton - would we have come down here anyway? Watch now as the DCMB forms their answer, and plays Rocky's theme song, Gonna Fly Now.

GONNA FLY NOW NO FORM

You know, with all the recent hullabaloo over the eating clubs at Princeton, we can see why some people are upset. It seems that all of them, such as the Cap and Gown, College, etc, seem to cater to very select tastes. Such meals as filet mignon, sautéed mushrooms, and baked potatoes, or steak and eggs for breakfast seem to reflect a seemingly snobbish attitude upon their members. Ever trying to increase diversity at every campus but our own, the DCMB has come up with an alternative choice to the selective eating clubs. How about the "Big Mac and Fries" club? This club would only discriminate on advertising awareness, requiring all members to memorize the ingredients in a Big Mac. Who ever said quality was important? Yes sir, at MacFries club, you could order a McDLT, large fries, an orange shake, and a Ronald McDonald Happy Meal. To distinguish MacFries from other college students, they could all wear large red shoes, a baggy yellow jumpsuit, and a red wig with white makeup. Look out eating clubs! This one is dedicates to you. Watch now as the DCMB forms the official symbol of the Mac and Fries Club and tells you how important you are.

YOU YOU'RE THE ONE ARCHES

You know, it seems only appropriate to talk about the Princeton mascot, something we, along with other Ivy League schools just can't seem to take in. On one hand, the tiger is a very ferocious wild animal that lives in Africa, not on Nassau Street. On the other hand, he's the personable Tony the Tiger for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes. With such opposing views, we, the DCMB, believe it is time for the Princeton mascot to come to an end. Watch now as the DCMB forms the NJ turnpike and envisions a demise for the Princeton lion as we play the "Dying of the Tiger."

EYE OF THE TIGER DEAD LION

So, maybe your school will donate some money to a Mascot Search Committee, in order to help you find a new leader. While doing so, you might take into consideration a very good choice as a candidate - Hulk Hogan. He's current, he's strong, and he'll tear any other team's mascot to shreds with one wrestling move. Watch now as the DCMB forms a giant H and plays a tribute to a possible Princeton mascot, Hogan the Hero.

HOGAN'S HEROES H FORM