Dartmouth College Marching Band vs. Harvard

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks it's okay to torch wooden structures on the green, the DCMB!

At this time, we, the DCMB would like to welcome all the students, alumni, and their friends to Dartmouth's Homecoming, here today on another wonderful fall day in Hanover. We would also like to extend our welcome to those members of the Harvard audience, who decided to leave cozy Cambridge for the Green and White Mountains. We hope that everyone enjoys this afternoon as these two great Ivy League Institutions go head to head in that most important academic field of all, the football field. Watch now as the marching band forms a giant H and salutes our friends of Harvard by playing their school alma mater, 10,000 men of Harvard

10,000 WIMPS OF HARVARD FORM H

Thank you very much for listening to the Dartmouth College Marching Band. We hope everyone has a nice day, including those crazy 'shmen. Please rise as the DCMB now plays a rousing rendition of our school song, Men of Dartmouth.

MEN OF D CONCERT FORM

NATIONAL ANTHEM CONCERT FORM

HALFTIME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that believes Jane Fonda will be Dartmouth College's next President, the DCMB!

Well, it seems that the silly issue of the ‘shmen rushing the stands has finally been solved. I guess that if you give a student problem to students, it will be solved very quickly. Why, just look at what happened last winter with the... oh, never mind. Anyway, the Student Assembly has devised a solution to the problem of ‘shmen rushing the stands for future games. They will be allowed to go to the top of the stands and sing Men of D, as long as they stay within the marked boundaries. If they stray from these, Wendy Becker, president of the student body, will personally arrest and handcuff them. In the case the job proves too big for her, the ROTC has been instructed to shoot to kill any ‘shmen that disobey.

While we're on the subject of those crazy 90’s, let’s talk about freshmen exclusion from fraternity parties. The DCMB has thought up a plan that is sure to stop the problem dead in its tracks. If we catch a freshman at a fraternity or sorority function, we will make you swim two laps in Phi Delt's basement, memorize the name of every member of Delta Delta Delta, and then try to figure out the real name of Zeta Pitchfork. Second offenders must do all of the above plus dance for five hours on the carpeted living room floor of Beta Theta Pi while listening to that unknown German singer Falco as he sings some of his more violent ballads. Watch now, as the DCMB forms a symbolic B and plays that FM favorite, Rock Me, I'm a Beta.

ROCK ME I'M A BETA B FORM

While we're on the subject of cruel and unusual punishment, let's talk about those Harvard coeds. Harvard - home of the puritan work ethic. Legend has it that when the Pilgrims first landed on Plymouth Rock, they immediately set off to Cambridge to try to swindle the Indians. Their football team continues this tradition today; now, however, instead of chasing Indians they must chase after football players in timberwolf suits. Harvard, the bastion of the Puritan Work Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, where young boys went in order to become wealthy men. Since Harvard went coed, things have really changed. Nowadays, young girls go there in order to marry wealthy men. Watch now as the DCMB forms a symbol of monetary greatness and plays an Ode to Harvard Women, Material Girls.

MATERIAL GIRL $ FORM

While we are on the subject of biology, let's talk about the differences between Ivy League schools. We realize that in higher institutions of learning, there are bound to be winners and there are bound to be losers. It's the academic version of Social Darwinism - study or be killed. We, the DCMB, realize that some of us won't be as smart as others. As a superior school, we can understand how this could happen at a school such as Harvard, with their inbreeding and genetic defects. As a famous person once said, "We must be tolerant of those who are dumber than we - or simply look down on them." Watch now as the DCMB forms a "No Dummys" sign and plays a song at a tempo that even Harvard students and alums will understand.

GHOSTBUSTERS Ø FORM

We would like to thank you for listening to our halftime show. We hope that you enjoyed yourselves, and DCMB hopes that you will enjoy the second half of the game.

MARCHOFF CONCERT FORM

Silly, silly ‘shmen. You'll believe anything that you're told. You were told not to rush the stands, but an upperclassmen told you that they wouldn't fine you, and you believed it! Five weeks ago, the DCMB told you that your fines would go towards purchasing 2,000 revolving lights for the campus po. And you believed that! The next week, we told you that UNH had courses in animal husbandry, using pop-up books! Well, this week, the DCMB feels sorry for you poor ‘shmen. We promise not to tell you anything you might take for granted. Therefore, we are telling the truth when we tell you that people will be handing out copies of the Constitution to spectators at the game. Be sure that you shmen pick one up. Then, when a campus po or Dean Bonz tries to fine you, pull out your Constitution, and read them your rights. Then, watch them laugh as they tell you that you have no rights like that within a private institution. So, when your parents ask why you got a $100 fine, tell them the DCMB said that you wouldn't have gotten caught. Watch now as the DCMB forms a house and pays homage to parents everywhere who are handing out money to get their child out of Dean Shanahan's office.

BIG SPENDER HOUSE FORMATION