PREGAME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks a diminished fifth is a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels, the DCMB!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are back in Veteran's Memorial field on another nice day in Hanover. We would like to welcome our opponents, the Cornell Bears, who have come all the way up from Ithaca. It's really too bad though, because it seems their precision marching band has nothing better to do in Ithaca than march in straight lines or jump off of bridges when those lines aren't straight. Of course, we, the Dartmouth College Marching Band, have no such problems. At this time we would like to lay to rest the hideous rumour that we are not a precision marching band. It is simply not true. This week, the DCMB will perform some of its most difficult formations in order to prove ourselves to you, the audience. Watch now as the DCMB rapidly forms a basketball, a globe, a frying pan, and a bowling ball while playing that Hawaiian Picnic song, Hawaii 5-0.

HAWAII 5 - 0 O FORM

The DCMB would like to thank you all, and we sincerely hope that you keep this thought in mind during the show. While the Cornell Marching Band stayed in our rooms last night, their President and his staff all stayed in a luxury hotel in White River Junction. So let's give a warm welcome to the Cornell Marching Band as we form a giant C and play the school's alma mater, 25,000 students of Cornell.

CORNELL ALMA MATER C FORM

MEN OF D CONCERT FORM

HALFTIME

And now, the only band in the Ivy League that thinks Cornell is a brand of microwavable cookware, the DCMB!

This week the DCMB has decided to discuss that ever important issue, Diversity at Dartmouth. At this very moment, one of the problems is what the official college symbol should be. The Indian symbol has been a subject of heated debate for a long time. For others, such ideas as the Big Green or the Timberwolf just simply don't make it. What can we do about this problem? We, the DCMB, have found the solution. Dartmouth College will simply have a new symbol every week. This will lay to rest any bickering about which symbol to use. Some suggestions have been:

The Potato. It's quiet, inoffensive, low in calories, and it's even more fun when fried or baked.

Gumby. He's green, and he's flexible.

How about Smurfs? we know they're blue, but I bet if you fed them at Thayer dining hall, they would turn green.

Brooke Shields. Brooke would be a great way to appease all those wyomings who say that there are no women in high places at Dartmouth.

The Indian symbol would be used as well, along with the Big Green, the Lone Pine, and the Timberwolf... I'm sorry we can no longer use the Timberwolf, as they're all extinct.

Positive reaction to our plan has come from both Campion's and the Dartmouth Co-op, who both said they would be delighted to supply students with the 52 different sweatshirts needed for each symbol of the week. Hmm. I wonder why?

Of course the DCMB's own favorite choice for symbol of the week would be the lovely Vanna White, the fair hostess for that TV game show Wheel of Fortune. Watch now as the DCMB forms a giant wheel and plays the theme song to our favorite game show of all time.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE O FORM

While we're on the subject of being different, it seems that we, as men and women and children and grandparents of Dartmouth, are simply too much alike. The Council on Diversity has come up with a few ideas to increase diversity on campus, but we, the DCMB, also would like to encourage diversity at Dartmouth. For instance, if we see someone doing the same thing everyday, it is incumbent upon you to report him to the Committee on Diversity, or the COD. If you are seen in the vicinity of four people just like you, one of you will be shot. We realize, of course that this means that the entire freshman class will be punished, as they all eat at Thayer, wear the same 90 shirts, and all have Dean Bonz for an advisor. Heck, they even all buy Macintosh computers. And we, the DCMB, realize that even we ourselves are not diverse enough. We all wear the same uniform, and we all watch the same conductor. Therefore, in an effort to increase diversity at Dartmouth, the band will now form two different objects and play to the beat of two different drummers.

STAR WARS AND GOING GETS TOUGH [] AND O FORM

Gee whiz, it seems that a big subject today is our school alma mater. It seems that to some, "Men of Dartmouth" simply is not broad enough for such a diverse community as ours. Ever trying to help the administration, the DCMB has come up with a perfect solution. We will simply change the title to include every group that feels left out of the song. This means we can have "Men and Women and Children and Grandparents and Blacks and Hispanics and Jews and Gays and Feminists and Aardvark Lovers of Dartmouth." Watch now as the DCMB symbolically unites those factions of diversity and forms a whole object, realizing that even if we never change our song, it won’t matter, because no matter what the outcome, Coeds Just Wanna Have Fun.

GIRLS WANNA HAVE FUN CONVERGE F.

The DCMB would like to thank you all at this time for listening to our halftime show and would like to leave you with this parting thought: If Hanover is in the middle of Nowhere, where in the world is Ithaca?