Belsen was a guy I knew when I was in the Navy, and these jokes are about him. Any similarities to any other Belsens, living or dead, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about.

101 Belsen Jokes

Belsen calls the airport and asks "Miss, how long is the flight from here to Paris?". She answers "One moment, please". He says "Thank you" and hangs up.

Q: Why does Belsen's paper towel roll have an extra 10 feet?
A: For the instructions.

Belsen learned that he just had twins. He's still looking for the father of the other one.

Belsen returned a bag of "Kitty Litter" to the store, because his cat wouldn't eat it.

Q: Why does Belsen apply deodorant on his right armpit only?
A: He is still waiting for "Left Guard"

Q: Why are Belsens buried with their asses sticking out from the ground?
A: So they can be recycled into bicycle racks.

Q: Why does Belsen's children always get "zero" in their classes at school?
A: There is no lower score.

Belsen and his wife are projected outside their home by a violent explosion. Belsen says to his wife, "We got out just in time"

Belsen and House died and went to heaven. When they arrived there, St. Peter informed them that their heavenly destinations were not ready for them yet. Therefore, they would be allowed to return to Earth as anything/anybody they wanted until their places were ready.

House, being a nature lover, said he desired to be an eagle soaring over the Grand Canyon. St. Peter said "very well" and poof, off he went. Belsen, regretting the lack of sex in his life, asked to be sent back as a real cool stud. St. Peter gave him a quizical look but granted his request and poof, off he went.

Well, time went by and eventually the two men's heavenly places were prepared. St. Peter instructed a messenger to go to Earth and retrieve them. "House should be easy to find", St. Peter said. "He is an eagle soaring over the Grand Canyon. Belsen may be more difficult to locate. He is somewhere in Detroit on the bottom of a snow tire."

Q: What does Belsen's wife say to him after sex ??

A: I'll be home in half-an-hour!

Beslen is in school, the teacher asks him, "What is the capital of Wisconsin?"

He says, "W"

Belsen is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which he has never seen before. He sees the slot for money, gets money out of his pocket, puts $.65 into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number.

He is mezmorized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy. So, he does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind him and says,"Hey Buddy, could you please move? I would like to get some candy." Belsen replies, "Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!"

Belsen and House decided to rob a bank together. House plans the robbery and goes over the plan with Belsen in great detail. The robbery begins. House drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Belsen, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Belsen.

Belsen goes in the bank while House waits in the getaway car. One minute passes....two minutes pass....seven minutes pass....and House is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Belsen. He's got a safe wrapped in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As they are getting away, House says, "Belsen, you are such a dumbass! I thought you understood the plan!"

Belsen said, "I did....I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said House. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!"

Belsen goes into work one morning crying his eyes out. His boss, concerned about all his employees well-being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which Belsen replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point tells Belsen "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."

Belsen very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows him to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Belsen. He looks out his office and sees him crying hysterically. He rushes out to him asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?"

Belsen breaks down in tears, "It gets even worse! I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"

After being with her all evening, Belsen couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When Belsen returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

Belsen is drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the guy sitting next to him turns and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

Belsen says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

"No it's true!" insists the man, "Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

Belsen tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again." Again the guy jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges Belsen to try it.

By this time Belsen has had a couple beers, so he says "Well what the heck, it looks kinda fun, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

A policeman pulled Belsen's car over and told Belsen that he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", answered Belsen.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said Belsen's wife, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then Belsen's friend in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Every day Belsen eats lunch at the same restaurant, and for fun he likes to piss off the waiter. Then one day he decied the waiter is a pretty nice guy, so he won't bust his balls anymore. He calls the waiter over and says, "Listen, I know I always give you a hard time, but things are going to change. From now on, I'm gonna treat you good, and I'm going to give you a good tip every day. What do you think about that?"
The waiter laughs and says, "Great! Now, I don't have to piss in your soup anymore."

A guy goes to his friend's house for dinner. His friend keeps getting up and going to the window and yelling, "Green side up! Green side up!"
He says, "What's going on out there?"
His friend says, "Oh, I got Belsen out there laying sod."

How can you tell which guy at the airport is Belsen?
He's the one throwing bread to the planes.

Did you hear that Belsen held up the bank?
He got three toasters.

Belsen calls the fire department and says, "My house is on fire."

The guy at the fire house says, "Okay, how do we get there?"

Belsen says, "DUH! Can't you use that big red truck you guys have?!"

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered Belsen in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied Belsen with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

Belsen got a job as police officer in a small town. One day he stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped Belsen. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later Belsen looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it, dipstick," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Belsen, The Bourbon Cowboy, and Ivar the Dirty Old Sooty Engine Driver were drinking their respective favorite beverages in a bar.

Belsen took a sip from his bottle of beer, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good beer. Belsen, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "I'm from Indiana, where we have plenty of beer."

The Bourbon Cowboy, not to be outdone, drained his bottle of bourbon, threw the bottle into the air, drew and fired his deer rifle, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two he announced, "I come from Vermont. We have plenty of bourbon and the best of everything!"

The Dirty Old Sooty Engine Driver drained his bottle of Thunderbird wine, threw it up in the air, drew his Uzzi, and shot Belsen dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Bourbon Cowboy: "I come from Arizona," he said,"where we recycle these... and we have plenty of idiots."

Belsen was on vacation in the depths of Florida. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Belsen shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one." Determined, Belsen turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching himself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots Belsen standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, the shopkeeper sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward Belsen. Belsen takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then Belsen flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

You might be related to Belsen if...

construction workers ask your wife to clean up her language.
your idea of foreplay is: "Get in the truck!"
your neighbors start a petition about your Christmas lights.
your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
your think a family reunion is a good chance to meet girls.
you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "The day my ship came in."
you've ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
you've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
you wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
you can spit without opening your mouth.

Did you hear that Belsen was almost killed while ice fishing?
He almost got run over by the Zamboni!

Belsen hasn't been feeling well and his wife finally convinces him to go to the doctor. The doctor looks him over and takes several samples. He tells Belsen that he will call him with the results, in a few days. In a few days, Belsen gets a call. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news.."

Belsen says, "I've had a bad day-- tell me the good news, first.."
"Well," the doctor says," Your tests indicate that you have a very rare disease and you have less than 24 hours to live..."

"WHAT!!-- THAT's TERRIBLE!!! What could possibly be worse than that??"

The doctor says,"I forgot to call you yesterday..."

Belsen made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will touch me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Q: what does Belsen's wife do when the dishwasher doesn't work?

A: slaps him!

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and Belsen, the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says Belsen, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

Belsen replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, Belsen leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

House got out of his car and while heading for Belsen's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Belsen, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh?"

"No, Kenny. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"Dammit, Belsen. Just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", Belsen tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

Belsen and his wife were walking down the street. Belsen noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. He opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Mrs. Belsen said, "Let me look!" Belsen handed her the compact. She looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb shit, it's me!"

A guy is walking down the street when he sees Belsen with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Belsen's ignorance, the guy wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
Belsen grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

In World War II Belsen was a kamikaze. He flew 48 successful missions.

After the war he decided to become a loan shark. He lent out all his money and then skipped town.

Belsen wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks in town. One day the rednecks stop him. They draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and Belsen is smiling. They hit the car some more, and Belsen starts laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."
Belsen says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."

Belsen and his brother were driving out to the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT." So they went home.

Uncle Fester, House and Belsen are running away from the Shore Patrol when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Shore Patrol arrive, they go to the first tree where the Uncle Fester is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
Uncle Fester, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
The Shore Patrol, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where House is, and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
House, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
The Shore Patrol, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where Belsen is, and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
Belsen thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."

Belsen came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "Honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screamed. "You're next!"

Belsen wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.
"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team."
"Fair enough!" said Belsen eagerly.
The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
Next week, Belsen came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"
Belsen said, "Two!"
"Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"
"Today and Tomorrow!"
"Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?"
"Twelve!"
"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.
"Well," said Belsen, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..."
"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
"Oh, that is easy!" laughed Belsen. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"
"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"
To which the Belsen sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."

Belsen wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told
to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. Belsen said that he understood and was ready.

The time came to have Belsen jump from the airplane. The instructor reminded Belsen that he would be right behind him. Belsen proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past Belsen.
Seeing this Belsen undid the straps to his parachute and yelled, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Q: What do you do if Belsen throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Uncle Fester, House and Belsen were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, _but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
Fester says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
House says, "I'll have five years' supply of whiskey!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his whiskey.
Belsen says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release Uncle Fester, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release House, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release Belsen, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

Q: How do you know if Belsn has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.

Belsen was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" Belsen tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
Belsen says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Belsen is at home, dying in bed. He smells the aroma of chocolate chip cookies baking, his favorite. He wants one last cookie before he dies. So he falls out of bed, crawls to the landing, rolls down the stairs, and crawls into the kitchen, where his wife is busily baking the cookies.

With waning strength he crawls to the table and is just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasps a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his wife suddenly whacks his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" Belsen whimpers. "Why did you do that?"

"Because they're for the funeral!" she answers.

It is the Olympic wrestling event, and it's narrowed down to the Russian or the American, Belsen, for the gold medal. Before the final match, Belsen's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" Belsen nodded in agreement.

The match begins and Belsen and Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Belsen and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud and Belsen weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got Belsen alone he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Belsen answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck & bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"Well, no," said Belsen "but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

Q. What's the difference between Belsen and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up Belsen.

Q. What's the difference between Belsen and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead Belsen in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called Belsen and asked him to cover for him. Belsen told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. So Belsen comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

Belsen tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Belsen: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Belsen: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Belsen: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Belsen goes into the confessional. He says to the priest, "Father, a girl asked me yesterday if she could kiss me and I said no."
The priest says, "Very good, my son. You did right. You'll get your reward in heaven."
The next week Belsen comes in and says, "Father, a girl asked me last night if she could make love with me and I told her no."
The priest says, "Well, you did right, my son. You're going to get your reward in heaven".
Belsen says, "Father, what's my reward going to be?"
The priest says, "A bale of hay, you horse's ass".

Belsen has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

Belsen congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." Belsen pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he's ever had.

The next morning Belsen spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with the woman beating Belsen every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. Belsen can't figure out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

Belsen is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," Belsen screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!!"

Belsen and House were in the Navy and got stationed in Iceland. They walk up to a convent and House asks the Mother Superior, "Do you have any midget nuns here?"
She said, "NO."
House turns to Belsen, "See, I told you, you screwed a penguin."

Q: Why did Belsen marry a dog?
A: He had to.

Belsen is on a picnic and has to take a dump, so he heads out into the bushes. He's just dropped his pants when a girl pokes her head out of a bush and says, "Hi there, pal. Can I take advantage of you?"
Belsen says, "Sure."
She leans over, grabs his shirttail, and wipes her butt with it.

What does Belsen and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.

A guy in a bar is arguing with Belsen.
He says, "It's irrelevant."
Belsen says,"Irrelevant? What does that mean?"
He says, "It doesn't matter."
Belsen says, "Yes, it does."

Belsen walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap,1 toothbrush,1 tube toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread,1 pint of milk,1 single serving of cereal, and 1 single serving frozen dinner.

The woman at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single are you?"

Belsen replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"

"Because you're ugly!" the woman replies.

Belsen went to his mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds. A neighbor noticed him making repeated trips to the curb and asked if he was waiting for a special delivery.

Belsen's reply: --- "My computer keeps telling me, I've Got Mail."

Uncle Fester, House and Belsen, are trying to get into the Olympic stadium but none of them have tickets. Uncle Fester runs over to a house and steals a flag pole, goes up the stadium and says, "I'm in the pole vaulting competition." and they let him in.

House steals a hubcap, goes up to the stadium and says, "I'm in the discuss throw." and they let him in.

Belsen runs across the street, steals a barbed wire fence, rolls it up and sticks it under is arm. He runs up to the stadium and says, "I'm in the fencing competition."

Belsen is out hunting one day, having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and didn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, Belsen takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As Belsen nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said Belsen, "Come back with my duck!"

"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."

"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts Belsen, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"

"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.

"Country way? What's that?" says Belsen.

"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."

"Of course I'm not yellow," says Belsen.

"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks Belsen square in the groin as hard as he can. Belsen gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies.

After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, Belsen straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!

The farmer replys: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."

Belsen goes into a sporting goods store, and he says to the salesman, "I need a present for my son's birthday."
The salesman says, "How about this skateboard?"
Belsen says, "How much?"
"Thirty-nine ninety-five," the salesman answers.
Belsen says, "Too much."
The salesman says, "How about this baseball bat?"
Belsen says, "How much?"
"Eight ninety-five."
Belsen says, "All right, I'll take it."
The salesman says, "You wanna ball for the bat?"
To whish Belsen responds, "No, but I'll blow you for the skateboard."

Belsen and his new bride are on a honeymoon and check into a hotel.
"We'd like a suite." say Belsen
The clerk says, "Bridal?"
Belsen says, "No, I'll just hang onto her ears until I get used to it."

A kid was walkin down the street, when Belsen pulls up in a car and says "I'll give ya a lolly if ya come in my car!!"
The kid replies "If ya give me the whole bag, I'll come in your face!!"

Little Belsen was having a shower with his mum when he became a little curious.
"Mummy, whats that?", he asked, pointing between her legs.
"That's Mummy's sponge, darling", came the reply.
Belsen was quite happy with this explanation until the next time he showered with Mummy, because she had shaved "down there".

"Mummy, where is you sponge?" asked Belsen.
Mummy replied, "Umm, err.., I lost it darling."
"Oh, OK" said Belsen.

The next day when Belsen got home from school he came running into the kitchen.
"Mummy, Mummy, I found your sponge !!!"
Mum was a little confused by this, so she played along.
"Really, darling? Where did you find it?"

"The lady next door is washing Dad's face with it !"

What's the smallest muscle in a sheep's body?
Belsen's penis.

How does Belsen practice safe sex?
He paints an X on the rear of any sheep that kicks.

Belsen goes to a doctor because he seems to have something wrong with his weenie. "Check it out, Doc", he says, it just started turning yellow last week and I'm getting worried about it."
The doc asks him a series of questions...
"Have you had sex with any prostitutes recently?"
"No."
"Have you had sex with any dogs recently?"
"No."
Have you had sex with any perverts recently?"
"Christ, no! I'm not sick, I just have a yellow dick!"
"OK. Have you had any unusual stresses lately?"
"No, my wife is away on vacation and I lost my job two weeks ago, so there is no way it could be caused by stress."
"Have you been overeating or maybe doing too much exercising?"
"No. For the whole two weeks, I have done nothing but download porno GIFs from the internet and I've eaten nothing but Cheetos."

Belsen sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, Belsen's swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Belsen, what's happening?" asks the bartender
"I'm in DEEP shit," he replies. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour."
"Oh, wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No," said Belsen, "HIS wife!"

Belsen goes into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. As he sets them up, the bartender asks what he is celebrating.
"My first blow job." replies Belsen
"Hey, that's great", says the bartender, "Let me buy you one too."
"No thanks," says Belsen. "If five don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

Little Belsen (to friend): "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Belsen: "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out SHE HASN'T GOT ONE!"

Belsen goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I need an aphrodisiac. I've got two nymphomaniacs coming over tonight, and I want to be ready for them."
The doctor gives him the strongest aphrodisiac he has.
The next day, Belsen comes walking into the doctor's office again, and he looks ragged. He says, "Doc, I need some liniment."
The doctor says, "For your pecker?"
Belsen says, "No, for my arm. The girls didn't show."

Belsen is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off he goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. He makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," Belsen replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream.

Belsen has a weight problem. He's tried Weight Watchers, faithfully followed the program, but to no avail. He reads the newspaper and sees an advertisement run by Fun Fitness Weight-Loss company who's offering $20, $50, and $100 introductory specials. Best yet, they guarantee that you will lose weight that day or your money back! 2 pounds off guaranteed with the $20 special, 5 pounds off guaranteed with the $50 special, and a hefty 10 pounds melted away with the $100 special. He needs to lose a total of 17 pounds, so this program should work out just perfectly for him. In three short visits, he should lose all 17 pounds.

He goes over to Fun-Fitness Company and begins by asking for the $20 special. The receptionist takes his $20 and sends him into a room. After while, a naked California surfer-type walks in and says, "If you can catch me, you can have me". So Belsen chases the surfer around the room, catches him after 20 minutes, and they do the "wild thing".

Belsen goes home, steps on his bathrom scale, and sees he has lost two pounds. "This is great!", he exclaims, "and it beats the hell out of Weight Watchers. Only two more exciting visits, and all 17 pounds will be gone!"

The next week, he goes back to the same place and asks for the $50 special. He is sent into another room where, after awhile, a tall, dark, & handsome man walks in and says, "If you can catch me, you can have me." So, Belsen chases him for 50 minutes, finally catches him, and they make mad, passionate love.

A truly satisfied customer of the Fun-Fitness Company, he returns the next week and tells the receptionist that he is ready for the $100 special. The receptionist warns him that this session lasts for a hefty one hour and forty minutes and is VERY exhausting. "Please, I can handle it, I'm ready!" he exclaims.

So the receptionist agrees and escorts Belsen to yet a third room. After a while, Magic Johnson walks in and says, "If I can catch YOU..."

Deep in the African jungle, Belsen falls into a quicksand pit and starts slowly sinking. When he's in up to his waist, and realizes he can't get out by himself, he starts yelling his head off, "Help, help!", and someone hears him and comes to see what the yelling's about. "Help, help!" yells Belsen. "Blow me!" sez the passerby. Belsen is shocked. "No way, you fag!" So the passerby leaves.

Well, he keeps yelling for help, and when he's in up to his chest, another man wanders by. "Help, save me!" "Blow me!" Belsen's shocked again and sez, "No way, you fag!" So that passerby leaves.

By the time he's sunk in up to his neck, he's pretty desperate and figures that his life is worth his virtue, so to speak. So when a third man walks by, he's eager to oblige. "Help, save me, I'll blow you!" says Belsen. The passerby is shocked. "No way, you fag!" and he pushes Belsen under the quicksand.

What do you call a Belsen who hasn't sodomized any of his brothers or sisters?
An only child.

How do you separate the Belsen men from the Belsen boys?
With a crowbar.

Belsen, in the course of his Navy career, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

"Well...yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

Caught off guard, Belsen eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:


"Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

Back to Bourbon Cowboy's Poetry & Prose.

Back to Home of the Bourbon Cowboy.