NOTES AND ANECDOTES

The following few pages are quotes from Big Siblings about issues that have come up in their matches and ways they have dealt with them. This certainly is not an exhaustive list of all the possible issues you may encounter, but these are the ones most commonly faced by Big Siblings. Whenever there is something happening with your Little Sibling or his/her family which you would like to talk about, feel free to call your Dartmouth student chairperson or the Community Coordinator of your town. We are here to help you deal with whatever type of situation which may arise and help you figure out the best way to approach a resolution to it. In this manual you will find a list of all the community coordinators for each town and their phone numbers. They know the family of your Little Sibling and sometimes it’s really helpful to talk with them and they can shed some light on how to deal with a particular situation. Also, all the student chairpeople have been involved in the program for several terms and have talked with Big Siblings about all sorts of situations that are going on with their matches. In most situations, there isn’t one right or wrong way to deal with what’s going on and many times, it’s most helpful just to be able to discuss things with someone who is familiar with similar issues or knows the family.

MORE THAN ONE SIBLING WANTS TO COME ALONG

• “Over the years, I’ve encountered a few different problems. His older sister always sort of "implies" that she wants to come along. I don't feel comfortable being responsible for her. Also, I feel that having her along would detract from the attention and time I can give to my little brother, and since our time is limited enough as it is, I feel that would be unfair. So I always imply that what we are going to do is specifically catered for 2 people.”
• “My little sister, who I haven't had for long, does want to bring a friend with her a lot. She's only done it once, and when I said we were going to a movie, she didn't bring a friend. I think it's ok occasionally, if you're doing certain things, but I know you're there for your little sister. things you have to pay for (like a movie) should really only be with your little sister!”
• “My little sister’s younger sister used to have a big sister with the BB/BS program, but she dropped out of the program a few months ago. Now there is just me and two kids in the house each time I go by. Many times, the younger sister (who is not my “little sister”) begs to come with us and cries hysterically if I say she cannot come. She cries that it’s not fair that her sister has a big sister and she no longer does. Her mom is always around the house during this, but she never intervenes or offers guidance. Occasionally I will take both of them along, but I try to work it out and spend most of my time alone with my little sibling. I make it clear to the younger one that I am the “bad guy” in the situation she can be mad at me, but shouldn’t be mad at her older sister or her mom.”

This is probably the most common issue faced by big siblings. You have to remember that you are there as a friend and a role model for your little sibling. One of your main purposes is to create a one on one relationship with your little sibling where they will begin to trust you and understand the essentials of a strong, caring relationship. Though it can be easier just to bring another sibling or a friend along, it is really important, especially, in the beginning of your relationship, to spend time along with your sibling so that they become excited about spending time with YOU and they do not come to expect that every time they ask for a friend or another sibling to come along, you will say yes.

Some things you could say to your little sibling are “I really want to spend time just with YOU this week and I have made plans just for the two of us.” Or “Maybe once, on a special occasion, you can bring a friend along, but I really have fun with just the two of us.”

Also, to bring a friend along, you really should have permission from their parents, and this can be an unnecessary hassle for you. Back to Top

LITTLE SIBLINGS ALWAYS WANT TO SPEND MONEY

If you think the child is not eating well enough at home, and that this may be a continual problem, the LISTEN center has a food pantry. You should talk with your community coordinator and they will let the family know about this. Back to Top

ACTIVITIES

• “I had a lot of problems with food in the beginning because my little sister only wanted to eat all the time or watch tv. I had to get really creative to keep her away from the refrigerator. I tried to make a lot of options (craft projects, games, etc.) available to her. I am still having problems getting her to feel comfortable doing more active things (like ice-skating or going on walks), but as long as she isn't overeating it should be okay. I also notified her guidance counselor in case she has an eating disorder, just to be on the safe side. Some things that we've done together or are thinking of doing together: cooking dinner for her family; making stationary at the copy center with old magazines and pictures; seeing plays at the HOP; taking her and a friend on a camping trip.”
• “Well, let's see. She likes to sit in my room and talk, and last week we went in to West Leb and just went in to a whole bunch of stores and then went to Papa Gino's. Earlier this term we went to the Hanover Winter Games, and I watched her compete with some of her friends, which she really liked. We've gone to the Montshire Museum, cooked, played games on my computer, and gone to the D, since I spend half my life there. I find that she really likes meeting my friends and feeling like she knows what's going on the campus. Even though we don't spend time with them since we're supposed to spend time alone together, she likes to meet people and never forgets their names!”
• “...at the beginning, he always wanted to go the arcade, but now that we've been together for so long, neither one is afraid to speak up and make other suggestions (Namely, me). I've found that he's not nearly as devastated as I presumed when I say no; in fact, he rarely remembers it 10 min. later.”
• "I often feel as if I'm more of a baby-sitter and amusement piece for my sibling that any kind of friend or emotional support. I feel as if our time together focuses more on the activity and less on our development of a bond."

The BBBS activities pamphlet has numerous ideas of activities for you to do in the area. Also, any of the chair people and the community coordinators can always help your to think of more activities if you run out of ideas. Interactive activities and ones that allow the child to feel successful can work well for your relationship and helpful for the child. Once again, you should come to each visit with several activity ideas in your head so that you're not stuck with the inevitable, "I want to watch TV." This is your time as well as theirs, so you should find activities that you both can enjoy. Back to Top

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR LITTLE SIBLING

• “Things are going well with my little brother. I see him every Friday. we have a very stable relationship that has been going on for 2 years now. they don't have a phone, so that is one difficult aspect of the relationship; if I need to change times because I couldn't get a car, or if I need to make a last minute change, it is very difficult.”
• “I usually have a lot of problems getting in touch with my little sister every week (she has sports and school and I have work and lab) and it's kind of a pain because it's long distance too. It's much easier if we decide during a visit what we'll do the next week and then only call each other if something changes.”

Like this second response indicates, if you are having difficulties getting in touch with your little sibling. The easiest solution can be to set a time for the next week when you can see them. Also, picking them up from school can alleviate this problem since you know where they will be at the same time every day of the week. Back to Top

FAMILY ISSUES

• My little sister's mother is heavily involved in the program which can be a good thing at times and overwhelming at other times. She knows when it is good to sign out cars, she knows that I must call someone when it snows to make sure the cars are available, she knows the community coordinator, the volunteer coordinator and she knows every rule in the book, and when every event was taking place. She expects a lot from the program. The first time I went over to her house she told her daughter, Sara something to the effect that "this is your big sister, for four hours every week you can do whatever you want with her." I was a little surprised because I didn't think that she understood what the program was about. I didn't sign up to be a baby-sitter, I signed up to be a friend. At the start of the match, the mother called me constantly in my room to tell me of my little Sara's health problems (and they weren't really problems), her likes, dislikes, personality traits etc. She decided the activities that we would be doing, roller skating this week, the Montshire the next. I was a little overwhelmed. "

However things are different now. When I call Sara, I have a clear idea of what activities I am interested in and she has a list of what she wants to do so the mother isn't all that involved in the decision making process anymore. I think part of the reason for this change is that Sara is really shy and at first her mother felt that she should make the decisions since Sara couldn't talk to me. Now Sara is no longer shy around me so she can say what she wants to do. It's nice that the family is involved and supportive of the program. Whenever I have a busy week, they understand. I have been invited to their home for Thanksgiving dinner and they have done all they can to make me feel welcome in their home. Sara and I have a great time together now that we have established a solid relationship and I don't feel so overwhelmed by the expectations of the mother.

• “Briefly, one of the problems that I faced in the first few weeks was that my little brother's dad thought that I was better respected by his son than he was. I faced this by speaking to my little brother (about school -- which his father had asked me to do), while his father was present. Afterwards, we went to play whiffle-ball TOGETHER -- the first time that the dad had joined us in activities. This made the father feel important and involved -- something I believe he didn't feel with his son beforehand.”
• “I think it's important to stress the poverty prevalent in many of these families. my little sister is very poor, which wasn't altogether surprising to me, but maybe a little shocking -- especially since her living conditions seem to me to be unsanitary people should be ready for a shock. They should also be aware of the possibilities of abuse. I’m not sure if there's any going on in my sib's family but I’ve seen/heard her father swear at/slap her younger brother several times in my presence. People need to know who to contact with this information.”
• “My little brother's folks divorced last year and the father remarried, in the words of his mother, "very quickly." My little brother didn't really like his stepmother at first. He never explained why. He just gave the "I dunno" answer. I think he just needed to get used to the idea of divorce and having his father with a different mother/woman. My role was one where I didn't bring this issue up unless he brought up his father (which always happened because he visited him most weekends so when I asked him how his weekend was, I could then ask how things went with his stepmother). We talked things out a little and agreed he should give her a fair chance. He said it sounded like a good idea. He has adjusted well to his parents divorce, at least as well as an 8 year-old can, according to his mother. ”
• "I was given my little sister (age 7) because she has muscular dystrophy. Her mother is divorced, but they live in a very nice home and the mom is really great with the kids. When I called on Saturday to arrange to pick her up on Sunday, she told me that her mom was in the hospital because she had locked herself in the bathroom and cut her wrists. I went to see her on Sunday and we drew pictures for her mom and she seemed to be doing OK, but I don't know how to handle talking to her mom when she comes home. I have a pretty good relationship with her mom, but I just don't know what I should say. Is there someone that I could talk to in the Tucker Foundation? "
• "My little brother's parents are divorced. He lives with his dad Monday through Thursday. His dad is the parent that requested the match. However, because I have classes and he goes to school, I can't see him until 3:15 and a lot of things we'd like to do are closed by the time we can get there or it gets dark too quickly. I don't know if his mother would be willing for me to take him on the weekend. It's something I will have to talk to the Listen Center about."
• "My little sister seems to like to talk a lot and has already told me some very personal things about her family. I don't know whither to talk to her about her problems or if I should just stay out of it."

Complex family issues such as these can arise at any time. These issues are often scary for you and can make you feel overwhelmed. You must remember that you are not alone, but part of a complex network of support from the Tucker Foundation and the Community Coordinators. Your community coordinators are a great resource for family issues and problems. They know personally the families and have been involved in issues before. They are great listeners, trained in these issues. They will maintain confidentiality and are great to use, even if only as a sounding board. You are not there to solve family problems, but as a friend and confident of your little sibling. Don't shy away from these problems, but focus on your little sibling's feelings. Listen and affirm their feelings ("If that happened to me, I would feel the same way"). Tell them it is OK to feel the way they do, but don't promise that it will get better right away, because this may be a promise that you cannot keep. Back to Top

TAKING TIME OFF

• "I am leaving to go on a LSA and will be on campus the term after then. I want to stay in touch with my little brother but I'm not sure how to explain to him and his family where I am going and when I will be back."
• "I was on an FSP last term and I never ended up writing a letter to my little sister. I have been really busy these first few weeks of this term and now I feel awkward about calling my little sister since it has been so long since we last spoke. I keep putting off calling her because I'm worried that she may have forgotten about me or that her parents may be angry with me."
• "I have had my little sister for a year and our relationship has been great but I would like to end the relationship because of my other commitments and crew practice is really taking up much of my free time this term. How do I go about ending the match?"

The most important thing in all these cases is making sure that the little sibling feels comfortable and positive about the relationship. When leaving for an off term or for summer vacation, be sure to let your little sibling and their family know several weeks ahead of time and if you can, give your little sibling a few self-addressed stamped envelopes so that they can easily write letters to you while you're away. Sending a few postcards to your little sibling while you're away will really make them excited about your return and remind them that you do plan to continue the relationship.

Conversely, when returning to campus after an off term, your little sibling will know that you have returned and will be expecting you hear from you. Although time might pass before you have a chance to call, don't put it off! and it's still extremely important that you do contact them as soon as you can. Don't be nervous, they'll be really excited to hear from you.

Though the minimum requirement of the program is that you maintain the relationship with your little sibling for one year, we encourage you to stay with your little sibling until you graduate. Often it takes almost a year to develop a relationship with your little sibling where they will really trust you. After a year is up, if you are having difficulties maintaining the time commitment, come chat with your chairperson and they can help you figure out how to lessen the time you spend with your little sibling while still maintaining the relationship. If after speaking with your chairperson, you still are convinced that you need to terminate your relationship, you must talk with your little sibling, their parents, and your community coordinator. It's essential that you establish closure in the relationship and that you explain to your little sibling why you are ending the match and that it is not their fault and they have done nothing wrong. Be sure to stress how much you have enjoyed being their big sibling. This is critically important since the child will be quite hurt by losing you as their big sibling. Back to Top

OTHER ISSUES

• "The only problem I've experienced is with discipline. I think my brother is very hungry for attention, and receives it through disciplinary action at home. He's gentle and sweet most of the time, and seems to care about hurting other people's feelings, but then talks a lot about stealing and breaking other people's things. Usually it's only talk, but one time he stole a salt shaker from Thayer and brought it outside and then threw it on the ground to see it shatter. I told him it wasn't a nice thing to do because people could get hurt on the broken plastic, and because all the salt was wasted. He felt badly afterward, and wanted to make sure I wasn't' really mad at him for doing it.
• "Other times when he talks about stealing or breaking things, I frown about it and offer insight as to how other people might be hurt by it, and if he keeps talking about it I try to change the subject. I have a feeling he doesn't really do the things he talks about, but if I give him attention for talking about it, he might be encouraged. I don't know what else to do or how to act, but I'm trying!"

This puts you into a tough situation. The best way to deal with it is explain to your little sibling how what they have done hurts you personally. Tell them that stealing is wrong and that you are personally upset by this. Do not ever contradict what their parents may have told them, but instead focus on how this issue upsets you. Do not ignore or change the subject, be sure to deal with the issue and make them understand that you feel it is wrong and you would be happier if it did not happen again in the future. But, don't forget to let them know that you still think they are a good person even though you may not condone their behavior in this particular situation. Back to Top